How Do I Live As a Spiritually and Mentally Healthy Homosexual?

I woke up this morning, in fear of a trap into which I have fallen: short-term sexual gratification.  The Yahoo Messenger has become an addiction; those men behind the user names, those words of promise and lust spoken from those faces unknown have become my false hope, rooted in fantasy and lust.  This longing has no root, no foundation, which leaves a desolate, haunting feeling in my heart. I fear it as a trap. I know it as a trap.  The computer becomes a security blanket at night, as I nestle into bed with Yahoo Messenger, with a night cap of a shot of whiskey..... i seek comfort in this pseudo-world, full of falsehoods.  I see that each man is striving for that companionship, a lust misdirected.  We use lies to protect our age, pseudonyms to protect our identity.  We speak the words of love as we are in our moments of ecstasy, only to abandon our fantasy-lovers at the final hour.  It is a weak existence.  A weak, yet tempting existence that we harbor late at night, as our temptations and lust runs deep, our animal instincts for sexual gratification heighten, most especially with the protection of anonymity.  It is true that Man sinks to these vices in response to a longing to be fulfilled. We use these as replacement for the true love we seek.  The question becomes: how do we break out of a cycle which seems so impossible? How to seek true homosexual love, which most likely begins in the "darkness", behind closed doors, from our so-called liberal society? Inherent in homosexuality is a darkness, which runs opposite of Christian tenets of belief.  We are taught to bring love into the light, turn away from darkness, live our life in celebration and in communion.  I know, from experience, that bringing love into the light, and living an open life.. is much healthier, much more fulfilling.  So, how are homosexuals in search of a healthy love supposed to work within a framework of an underground homosexual society? It evades me.

Searching Back to God

This evening before I go home to Durham, NC to bring in 2010, I feel faintly melancholy.... with shades of fear, uncertainty..... with hope sitting in the background. I would rather have hope in the foreground, with a sense of excitement.. But, really the sources for these emotions are multiple..

First, I feel a sense of restlessness. As days pass, I feel a need to contribute to something larger; and I feel the career world is so distant from me right now.

Second, I feel a sense of fear. As I was visiting a faculty member today, all the fears and insecurities haunted my spirit, immediately signalling me away from this particular setting.  Does that mean academia is not for me? What if I am barking up the wrong tree? How do I know?

Third, I feel I am not navigating this fear of sexuality; that it continues to evade me, and that I am marching down a path which, like these career explorations, may also not be my 'fit'.

So, in conclusion, my explorations and questions right now: toward job, and sexuality, are in a situation of uncertainty, lack of information. Although I feel as if I am on the edge, or touching, some potential energy that will thrust me into the path that fits me best, I feel like I do not know what questions to ask, what stones are still unturned, in order to allow me to conclude with certainty where I should and will fit.

Is that life, though? Is that I sense in my heart this very night the same fears that afflict fellow man? Fear of uncertainty; not sure of the path; not sure how to find the path; questioning one's faith? questioning one's prior convictions?

I have begun to turn back to my daily readings and meditations, as the Rock that I previously clung too, so hard, yet so effectively. In retrospect, I associate my Catholic spiritual awakenings with my previous wounds from relationships, previous wounds from my own naivite, not knowing myself.  I fear that my spiritual undertakings and discipline led me down a deceptive path; hence, I fear and throw away that path right now.

Do I dare take up the Cross again? Follow my Faith? Give up to God these ultimate struggles of uncertainty that I try to resolve myself? Where is my spiritual awakening now? I fear a stagnancy, a helpless wondering of what is next.

I surrender myself, my sorrows, my fears, to God... and hope that the path will emerge.

Fearing the Effeminate

I fear the effeminate guys. What if these dates I line up end up making me feel extremely uncomfortable? What if they are "totally gay", and I just want to run away?

Why? I should be eager that I have potentially (5?) dates lined up in the New Year? Wow, am I some kind of masculine slut? LOL. I am not sure. We'll see where this takes me, but I need to see what this journey is about. I have been too addicted and attached to an online relationship, which was satisfying and exciting for a while, but how far can that go? Not very, I must admit.

When it rains, it pours. From all my exploring and efforts, I am reaping some rewards. It should be an exciting January.... between my interviews, and going on some dates with interesting characters, I'm sure I will have stories to share.

Shadows

Barriers
Mind spins
Questioning my motives, my yearnings
Why have I delved into this world?
Is there a place for me?
A world of real, male intimacy, true brotherhood
A sexual intimacy that connects, trusts, exists
I do not know.
My mind spins
I betray myself, I betray others
I try too hard
In places hidden, in secret
Navigating a world unbeknownst to most people
Which forces one to explore the depths
of a dark soul.
How to seek light, how to seek love.
I do not know.
Answers elusive
Truth hides
In the shadows

Brotherhood

I provide these lyrics in honor of brotherly love

Oh My Brother

from I Rode Fido Home  - Eddie From Ohio

Oh, my brother
Won't you stand here beside me
We shall carry each other
And should your soul grow weary
And the strength leave your bones
Oh my brother
I will carry you home

I lost a lot of good intentions
Deep in watering eyes
Crystallized blue
There's a whole lot of fear
That kept me here
I know fear ain't nothing new to you
Fear ain't nothing new to you

White on white
Hospital eyes
Should have been there
Now I know
And singing this song's no way to say goodbye
But it's the only way I know
This is the only way I know

Chorus

And singing this song's no way to say goodbye
But it's the only way I know
This is the only way I know

Creating a Space for Sexual Intimacy

It becomes a fruitless effort, to search for potential one-night stands, dates for the purpose of sex.  It feels cheap, hollow, and depressing. It eats up time, erodes the soul, destroys hope, and perpetuates sorrow.

As I sit here this morning after a very restful sleep last night, I recognize the difference in the state of my own mind and spirit between fulfilling short term desires, and building a hopeful future.

For the short-term desires, to-do lists include surfing Craigs List, Yahoo Chat Rooms, with no goals in building friendships.  It is a selfish pursuit of sexual gratification, an addiction gone awry.

For hopeful future building, to-do lists include finding a date for sake of building a friendship, writing emails to existing friends, reading the newspaper to catch up on current events, doing chores around the house to create hospitality and warmth, planning parties, going to holiday gatherings, sharing true joy and love.

These latter tasks create a sense of peace, which may coexist with my longing for emotional and physical intimacy.  These hopeful tasks of love and fellowship I hope can fulfill that emptiness, even in the absence of sexual gratification.

Despite my virginity, I can feel and believe now that sexual intimacy properly finds its place within a trustful relationship, during which sex can be an expression of love, an extension of love to a more intimate experience of trust, pleasure, and care-giving.  To be fruitful, sexual relations ideally should be reserved as a way to express love, not as a way to simply gratify your own sexual needs.  It must be mutual, giving, and loving, in order for the sexual act to mean something, and fulfill that deep human need for love.

The Pros and Cons of Lust and Love

Lust: 
Pros: 
1) instant gratification
2) feels good

Cons:
1) cheap
2) hollow
3) addictive
4) selfish

Love: 
Pros: 
1) intimacy
2) connection
3) caring
4) growth
5) hope
6) trust

Cons: 
1) vulnerability
2) hurt feelings

I would much rather take Love over Lust, even if I have to wait forever.

How to Reconcile Homosexuality and Christianity?

I responded to a pen-pal, who is too, struggling with his sexuality as a Christian man.  These are difficult questions he asked, and I attempted to answer them drawing from my own experiences the past year. I still do not know the answers, but responding to these was therapeutic, to the point where I wanted to share with all of you my feelings on these deeper questions. 

1) What am I called to? 

2) Where should I rely on moral teaching

3) Should i develop my own moral teachings or rely upon others?

I'll try to answer them from my own experiences.  First, I still rely on moral teaching....to a degree.  For example, I do not plan on having 1 night stands, and using others for my own sexual gratification, whether male, or female.  This goes without saying.  I think many times the Church lumps all homosexual acts into the bucket of promiscuity and disrespect for others.  In my opinion, I do not think this is the case.  Homosexuals can live in communion with God. as long as they are "truly" homosexuals, and not "heterosexuals" simply hooking up for purposes of sex.  The book by John J. McNeill, called "The Church and the Homosexual" discusses, and tries to reconcile this issue, and he does a very good job. For example, if one seeks it out, there can be such thing as a healthy, homosexual relationship.  I have never had one, but I long for one indeed.  

So, in a way, I have refined a moral teaching, but have tweeked it. Yes, maybe it is just rationalizing, to make myself feel better. But, I have a different way of seeing things.  I have *felt* the difference between being with men, versus women. Although I am still a virgin, my body, heart, mind react in a much fuller way to men that I have been attracted to in the past.  This "fullness" is an emotional bond, brotherhood.. which in the past has led to strong erections and fantasies.  For women, I have had emotional bonds and love, but this same "fullness" has never existed.  I do not get aroused, and have never had that type of deep connection that I long for in a man. 

So, am I immoral? Am I a bad person? Would Jesus strike me down as a sinner? I am not sure.  It is tough to say.  I think in the time of Jesus, and the scriptures, they really were describing homosexuality in terms of the promiscuity, the culture, and how it was used as a tool of power for men.. to exert their dominance and control over younger boys/men. Also, from the surface, homosexuality seems unnatural, since it does not produce babies... and reproduction, in the eyes of the Church is why men and women should be married in the first place. Anyhow, I get angry at Church teachings, because theological arguments do not express how men feel in their "hearts", and "bodies". 

*************

So, your fear of coming out is very real. I understand SO much that fear, i tasted it... but I was courageous enough to work through it, and confront my fears. Yes, nobody suspected it of me at all. You would never think that if you met me. I am just the "guy next door"; friendly, polite, conversational, tons of friends, i'm a very loyal friend living in a heterosexual world. So, yes, the thought of coming out scared the hell out of me. But, I started slowly.  My crisis of breaking up with girlfriend helped me come out, since my friends would ask me how I was doing.  This care and outreach facilitated a safe space.  1 year later, my friends are even closer to me that I would ever imagine.  Never in a million years would I think that would be the outcome. 

********

Yes, my bondage was (and is still) similar to yours. My journey continues to cause me fear and anxiety, just not as much as before.  I am still bonded to homophobic feelings; I too can be selfish; and very horny (LOL) as all guys are.... fantasizing about masterbating with jocks, and all that sinful shit.  And yes, it feels good to go down that path.  But, I still need to walk a fine line.  Lust and love are completely different. Lust can get anybody into trouble, and much of the homosexual culture is dominated by hookup culture.  But, the insecurity i felt with women was so overwhelming because of the secret I held.. that it was just too much for me. I cannot hurt women like that anymore. I am not true to them, or myself.  These feelings trump theological teachings, in my opinion. You cannot deny how your body physically reacts. and this affects your mental health, and your overall well being. 

********

Is sexuality the "cross to bear" ? To some, yes, this becomes their choice... homosexuals living a life of celibacy, and "transferring" that sexual energy into loving acts of kindness and generosity.  I can see how that is fruitful and in line with Church teachings.  And, I have felt that type of transferrence. When I abstain from masterbation, lust, and pornography, the energy in my spirit is more 'pure", and I do not get wrapped up in lust and self-indulgence

******************

So, what am I called to do? Well, right now, I'm still  not sure.  Since I have never been with a guy, I believe I need to pursue a healthy relationship to explore, with eachother, mutually respecting one another's bodies.  If this does not work for me, perhaps I need to pursue heterosexual relationships, or be single.  It is tough to say right now.  But, my own truths are: I feel more whole right now, being single, and exploring my sexuality, than I have ever been.. I feel free right now.. to figure out my calling. 

Email Driven Meat Markets

I feel like an asshole, just like the rest of the guys who are rejecting me.  This is how it goes: you finally get somebody's attention, then start exchanging emails.. then the critical photo exchange.  This is the critical juncture. If you fail in this department, it is hopeless.  My ranting and raving of saying everybody is so shallow, also becomes my own problem, as I try to politely decline from men who I am not attracted to.  In this business, I try to say "I am not attracted to you", instead of "You are not my type".  It's less harsh using the word "I" to put it on yourself, and not the other person.  The power of language is critical in an email-driven meat market.

Persistence and Honesty Have Their Rewards

I have had a successful day connecting with some fellow closeted, or non-closeted, gay men in the area.  Yes, it happened again. Two types of email ads have been fruitful: The Christian Brotherhood flavor, and the Frustrated Gay Man flavor.  For the former, I have been getting into very interesting discussions with a man who is going through the same thing I am.  It is so comforting to be able to tell stories to one another, ask tough questions, and talk things out.  For the latter, I get responses too, oddly.  In sympathy, or for giving me advice.  I actually have made 2 new friends today, 1 possible date, and 1 possible gathering with a group of 2 guys who just want to hang out.  So, hope on the horizon... and interesting people to meet, relatively soon. We'll see what happens.

Multiple Paths Toward Truth

The following is a list of all the paths I have attempted in finding dates, friends, and male intimacy.  I have been attempting this for a little over 1 year, and I have not had much luck finding dates.  The good news.. First, I have avoided sketchy hookups, simply by learning the ropes of each on-line world.  Second, I have had 3 dates. Although they did not lead anywhere, I had the courage to go for it.  Third, I have made a really good friend online, and we continue to grow closer. 

**************************************************************************

Posting CL ads in 'platonic" or "miscellanous romance" that emphasize
1) Christian brotherhood

2) first time experience
3) masculine, preppy, jock

5) openly frustrated emails

Joining several online dating sites

1) match.com

2) gay.com

3) plentyoffish.com

4) yahoo personals

Going into Chat Rooms

1) Gay.com

2) Yahoo Messenger

Joining Virtual Groups

1) Yahoo online groups

Joining meetup.com groups
1) Gay Christian Bible study
2) Gay Professional Group
3) Gay Scientist Group
4) Gay Outdoor Group

*******************************************************************************

It is intriguing to me the avenues which have led to the most luck. First, ads that emphasize Christian brotherhood have always led to most responses.  This is encouraging for me, because I know guys like me exist out there.  Second, ads that emphasized my frustration about the Durham dating scene elicited tons of responses, which demonstrated to me that I was not the only guy who was fed up with this.  Finally, I feel lucky to have met a really good guy on a chat room, and we continue to talk every night, establishing a strong connection. 

The fish are biting again, though.  My yahoo groups memberships have led to some responses, of just bi/gay/straight/bicurious dudes just going out for beers and watching some sports.  Also, I continue to get responses from those interested in the Christian connection as well. 

The journey continues, it is intriguing, sometimes frustrating,,, but I gain hope in each day. The most important thing I have learned is how to become self-reliant, and survive rejection.  I learn that rejection is not necessarily a reflection of me, but of the individuals on the other end.  It makes me say with confidence "fuck them, it's their loss".  At the same time, I'm able to detach myself from the situation, and move on.  These are good life skills.

Marketing on Craigs List

Marketers use every resource available! I have discovered that they troll through CraigList advertisements, and send you replies that point you to their own dating sites. I guess it makes sense. It is truly targeted advertising which is extremely cost-effective.

And Here I Ponder About the Trash Can of Anger and Hope

As I unpack from my trip, and look at the dented trashcan in the corner of my kitchen, it prompts me to ponder and pray about how far I have progressed this year in coming out, figuring out my sexuality, and being myself.  I shudder when I think back to that trigger, that depression episode..... which began because I was confronting and reviewing all the scenarios in my life thus far which pointed to my attraction to men. It was a large list. It made me sick to my stomach, made me angry, depressed... so I threw a tantrum, threw everything out of my pantry, my refrigerator, and kicked the trashcan with all my strength.

That inner rage and frustration was very real, very telling of my inner turmoil.  I continued to seek therapy, seek rest. I also took time off work.  It was a toxic combination of stressful work life, and severe consternation about my own, seemingly irresolvable sexual identity crisis.

So here I sit now, many months later, having had emptied my soul to start anew. I resigned from my job; I came out to more friends; I talked things out with my parents; I went on a road trip; I spent quality time with my dog Leif; and I journaled.

In the midst of it all, I developed a meaningful friendship and relationship with a man on-line... Despite the unconventional way of meeting, we have developed a true bond, and trust eachother deeply. We laugh, we argue, we comfort eachother. We talk about music, beer, wine, travelling, camping, and canoeing.  We watch comedy movie strips, movie trailers, and musical performances.  We share our homosexuality, and our way of seeing the world. Although he may not be "the one", we certainly have promised eachother deep friendship, which is a wonderful thing right now as I transition into my new life.

So, maybe I should go buy a new trashcan, as a sign of new hope. It is one of those yuppy trashcans, that one flips open by depressing a foot pedal.  Mine is dented severely on the side, preventing the top from closing. Just as I need the fucking lid to close, I also need some closure with some chapters of my life.

Yes, so I have decided... it is off to Bed, Bath & Beyond I go... in search of a new Trash Can.

Peace,

The Zigman

Toxic Promiscuity

In my recent conversations with new friends online, I can see how promiscuity, in any form, heterosexual, or homosexual, in person, or on the internet...can result in jealousy, betrayal, distrust, erosion of a relationship.  I am dumbfounded of some of the viewpoints of guys I have befriended.....seeming, in my opinion, to muddle the lines between sex, friendship, and love. Sex is so integrated with love, that I cannot understand how sex without love cannot damage.  I've been challenged in a way to think more open-minded though.. in that: is having sex OK if it is love, but not romantic love? What if those individuals have both consented, and care about each other as friends, and agree to sexual relations? They still care for eachother, right? And having sex is simply an extension of physical affection, even within a non-romantic loving relationship? Does that mean hookups in the absence of relationships are OK? Or, having "friends with benefits" makes sexual relations OK, even if it hurts those friends who care about you? Many questions to ponder. Despite my supposed gayness, I will still stick to monogamous relationships.  Or, more precisely, if I end up in a relationship that leads to physical intimacy, I would never think about having sex with a separate person outside of that relationship I have built.  I want to be with a partner who also believes the same.  The act of sex outside the loving relationships (i.e: cheating) cheapens the special bond created between two lovers, and results in an erosion of trust and love.

International Love Triangle?

So I have a crush on one 20 something dude, and then was introduced to his best friend, 30-something dude. Both are gay.  20 something dude has has a previous crush on 30-something dude.  30 something dude starts writing me and telling me these things, and also starts hitting on me. The Devil in me wants to have online friendship with both, even though they are best friends.  The Angel in me wants to continue with 20-something dude only, and not hurt his feelings.  My heart and spirit tell me to throw up the emotional boundaries as soon as possible, and pursue a real relationship with a guy my age, in my home country. God help me. See, when you follow your hormones, and your penis, you screw yourself over, as well as everybody else.  Some of these guys have no boundaries themselves, and I begin to realize how promiscuity, and a mismatch of Christian morals, and sexuality, is not very good for the spirit. In fact, it is toxic.  So, that is my lesson for today.  God help me that I do not get emotionally enraptured in an International Love Triangle that leaves me feeling angry or jealous, chasing a dream that does not exist, and is only an illusion.

Tracing my Etiology of Gayness

My dad and I had lunch the other day, and we had a good chat about my sexual identity issues.  My dad is totally cool with it.  He tried to explain the difference between the counseling for "coming out" versus the counseling for "figuring it out".  He said it would be good to see somebody that could help me trace the "etiology" of my development, so I could at least know how and why things went the way they did. His suggestion made me pause, and think... huh.. that's actually a good idea. I have done this in my journal, but have not verbalized. For example, I can remember exact moments and emotions throughout childhood... in extreme detail... that pointed me toward that curiousity of males.  At times, it was strong. Many times, I did not feel like I fit in.  So, I am eager to explore these paths out loud.  The list in my journal can come alive once I speak of it to a counselor, and perhaps I will be on a journey of coming to terms with who I am.

Making Things Real Again

I'm having difficult times, perhaps because I have a lot of extra time.  I have major crush on a guy.... an online relationship.  Sounds crazy, but it feels real, and it makes me depressed because it will most likely not become real.  Difficult times persist, as I think about him..... We talk on line every night; starting to talk on the phone too.  And then, I continue to notice more guys when I'm out and about town. My God, I'm so gay. It's crazy.  I was in a coffee shop today, for instance, and I noticed a guy.... reminded me of Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy). I just wanted him to notice me. I kept checking him out.... his eyes were hot.

I'm not sure what to do. So, yes, I would like to have a relationship.  And, yes, I would like to try dating a guy. And, yes, I feel like I have tried everything (with exception of hanging out with meetup.com groups).  So, perhaps my next mission is to get out of the on-line world, and C-List, and start networking again. This will make things real.

The journey continues.

At least I have a job hunt to keep me busy.

Deep Thoughts from a Chat Room

Through an email / chat-room relationship (See November 1st posting: The Cyberspace Connection: Is It Real?), I have learned quite a bit about myself, and what I want in a relationship. I'm surprised that something across the internet would form such a true bond of friendship and intimacy. Even though it will most likely not lead to a "real" relationship, which is frustrating, I have learned about how I tick. This really is the first time I've been uninhibited to express feelings to another man I'm attracted to. It's been interesting, a bit frustrating, a little sad, and exhilarating at the same time.

First, I now know that the potential for love for a man can exist for me. Even though this friendship with B is just on-line, we have a deep connection with respect to how we are both sensitive, considerate, thoughtful, and have mutual hobbies.  Also, I'm very attracted to him on multiple levels. Finally, I think about him a lot.  So, although the frustrating truth is that we will most likely never meet or be together, I at least have discovered another layer of my homosexuality.  I can tell he cares about me, and I care about him.  I maintain hope for a long-term friendship, no matter what happens. In the meantime, I enjoy his company.

Second, I now know that intimate emotional feelings can be linked to sexual attraction.  It sounds strange to say that, but I can point to certain things that I did *not* say in previous relationships... (like, I "want" you). as well as things that I *did* say (I want to take care of you) that were not linked to deeper sexual tendencies.  It's an important truth to know.  And now, I've gained perspective on how tough it must have been for previous girlfriend T to hear I was gay, especially since she said she wanted me, cared about me, and was attracted to me. Odd as it sounds, I have now experienced those feelings... at least a taste of them... of wanting and fantasizing about B, and caring about him as a friend. I have linked the emotional connection with the sexual connection... which I realize is critical for a healthy relationship with anybody.

I Don't Get It

So, i went on a date tonight. I guess this is 3 dates, 3 different guys, the past couple of months. Wow. I'm on a roll. We actually had a pretty good time. But, I'm so curious about one thing: how closeted gay guys can have sex with women. It's so odd to me, especially since I've had no such experience at all.... in fact, the lack of sex itself was the clue for me that I was gay.  Just a little oddity.  I also discovered that this area where I live does not necessarily have a very "active" scene.. which makes it difficult to meet folks. Very strange culture that I'm trying to break into. Not sure if I fit.  Am I supposed to be instantly attracted to guys I go on dates with? It's such a mystery still, this world.  I wonder when the truth will be revealed to me.....  

The Challenges of Controlling Hormones

Despite the difficulties, longings, and need for patience........ I feel lucky that I at least have identified my needs, that I would like to be with a guy, and that I'm past the insecurities that prevented me in the past from even wanting to go on a date with a guy. For that, I am thankful.

This glimmer of hope, for a stable, normal, homosexual relationship is what keeps me sane... I should keep this in mind before going down the path of mindless hookups,, which would be potentially destructive.

I think about how heterosexual guys in college feel, with all these women around wanting to have sex. I never had that feeling, but I'm now starting to have that lust... and it makes me a bit nervous b/c I don't want to be promiscuous, but at the same time, my hormones and need for intimacy are screaming at me...

So, i continue with patience, with my head on straight... so I keep my center... I pray for a real relationship sometime in the near future..

The Fruitfulness of On-Line Encounters

Interesting encounters on the chat rooms. I met a model. And we chatted for a while, and got to know each other. Yes, he was pretty good looking. I thought it was pretty cool that a model wanted to even chat with me.  Also, I continue to chat weekly with a friend of mine in Canada. We are becoming close. I do not know where it will go, but he is a really good guy. I can honestly say we are building a trusting, real friendship as pen-pals.  Who would have ever thought. I'm also having some luck with some guys on Craigs List who are not sketchy, one is a med student.

So, I break all my own stereotypes.. that CL and perhaps chat rooms can lead to fruitful, and healthy outcomes.. but you have to be careful, patient, and discerning.  I guess the "medium" through which you meet somebody does not matter, as long as the connection itself is safe, healthy, and fun.... is what counts..

The adventure continues as I comb for dates with dudes; new gay friends on-line.  I continue to be encouraged meeting masculine dudes, who do not fit the gay stereotype that society does so well in perpetuating.  I'm starting to have fun, almost :)

Moving to a new city will also help me greatly.  I can make a break with this town, move to another, and create a new life.  This town was my practice run.  Next city: I can bring my skills with me... Watch out world...  here I come...

Fucking Frustrating as Hell

Wow. My parents just do not get it. "You don't want to go to a therapist who specializes in coming out if you are not sure"... Blah, blah, blah. Hello!! I am sure people. Fuck. How much more obvious could it be. I come out to you all, now I have to fucking justify everything to you? what the hell. Then I have to do what you tell me for December and not travel around the country b/c I need to be in therapy? Who the fuck are you people? Why are you running my life?  So, yes, I need therapy, but more for dealing with how to deal with my parents. That's what it is.

I do not know how much more clear I could be. I am gay. At this point, I want to be. I don't want to be with women. I want to be with guys. It makes me feel better, makes me feel more whole.

God DAMN it. This is it. I feel like shutting them out of my life just to figure this out myself. They have no business meddling and micromanaging my psychotherapy. I'm not going to share things with them anymore. This is just so fucking maddening.

I don't know what to do except defy my parents.

The Cyberspace Connection: Is It Real?

I'm emotionally and physically attracted to a young man met in a chat room. Am I a crazy lunatic? A male slut? I ask myself this. My fantasies are getting ahead of me; the emotions I feel though nag at my solitude, and my yearning for a connection. So, when it happens, it's hard to just walk away. Here is the story: I met a younger dude on a chat room, and we hit it off, and we've been chatting regularly ever since. Deep conversations. Laughter. Sharing intimate emotions with one another. Establishing a trust.  Last night we talked about a movie, and shared a few clips from online, and discussed. We also talked about white water canoeing, wine, and camping. The attraction is mutual, and is difficult for me to process because it is an impossible situation: he's does not live in the USA.  This may begin and end as a chat-room romance, but I must say, I like the guy, and look forward to at least being pen-pals, for what it is worth. Meanwhile, I pursue local :) dates, to no avail.  Frustrating, but true. Dead ends. I try to tell myself that I've made it pretty far this year; so I shouldn't beat myself up over this. It does not diminish the need to be loved and be in a close relationship. So, my quest continues.

To keep this void filled, I have a quest to find a new job, which will lead me to new cites, new experiences, and new worlds.  This keeps the hope alive.  I think I'm already emotionally separating myself from North Carolina; knowing the inevitable: I want to move on.  I want to re-define myself in all aspects, including my environment.

So, even if my cyber-pal friendship is transient and the quest to get to know him more may not lead anywhere "real", at least my job search will bring me to new lands.

And in the meantime, I continue to grow.

A Survival Guide to the Gay Underground of Craig's List

I'll never forget the initial thrill of surfing the m4m advertisements on Craigs List, only to find that the thrills eventually turned to either fear, disgust, self-loathing, and self-defeat.  Thank goodness to the present date, I have not "hooked up", and I don't plan on it.  Dangers are everywhere, to say the least.  It is predominantly a means for hooking up, not finding a date or a relationship.

Please be advised that the content below is uncensored and can be pretty nasty and offensive. These are a compilation of my observations while surfing the CL male-for-male dating section. Yes, it is lewd, offensive, and disturbing, which is one reason why I do not suggest it as the best way to find a date, or a relationship for that matter. 

In this entry, I will describe some of my observations from being on CL, perhaps shamefully, a bit too much this year.  But, it is what it is. I was curious what it was all about.  Also, I will describe some typical trends. Finally, I will share some of my top stories from my own experiences.  Hopefully, this will provide some entertainment, education, and to those interested in hearing about this counterculture without even having to go there yourself.

But first, a glossary of terms:

Glossary of Terms: 

• CL: Craig's List
• str8: straight 
• bi-curious: one who identifies as straight, but is curious about being with a guy. 
• bottom: one who wants to "take it from behind" 
• top: one who wants to "give it from behind"
• stats: when asked about your stats, you give your age, weight, penis size, and description (cut, or uncut), and whether you are DDF (drug and disease free).
• uncut: uncircumcised
• cut: circumcised
• ddf: disease and drug-free
• nsa: no strings attached (as in: sex with no strings attached)
• GF: girlfriend
• BF: boyfriend
• femme: an effeminate acting guy
• jo: jacking off; masterbation 

Segregated Sections Based upon Ad Content: 

• One section is purely for hook-ups. Some guys post a repeated ad every 3 days. Pictures are usually graphic.
• One section is purely platonic. Despite this, some guys post ads on these in hopes of more discreet relationships on the down-low. 
• One section is for those interested in long-term relationships, not just sex.

Common entries across all advertisement sections:

• Men wanting to give or provide massages
• Men providing private gyms in their houses so you can go "work out" there. 
• Gay men wanting to clean your house
• Men seeking out "jack off" buddies (most especially: self-proclaimed str8 guys who just want to play with a dude)
• Pure hook ups that happen at private homes, motels, hotels, or even cars (yep, not kidding on this one)
• Married guys in town for business wanting to hook-up with a dude. 
• Straight guys (supposedly?) who want to hook up with guys while their girlfriends are out of town.
• Those ads with photos in theory grab more attention. 
• Posting photos (of landscapes or a JPG of a school logo, etc) instead of photos of yourself maintains anonymity but can still grab attention of those surfing through the ads, since some people will only query ads that have photos attached.

Some personal stories about my CL experience in trying to meet guys:

1) One time I posted an ad for meetup.com group on the "platonic" site, in hopes of target advertising. What resulted from this was some email exchanges with a middle-aged man interested in hearing more about the meetup.com group.  One thing led to another, and eventually the person told me he knew who I was, after I shared a bit too much information about myself.  That incident scared the shit out of me, and I ran back into the closet pretty quickly.

2) One time I posted an almost angry, frustrated posting that said something to the effect of "Trying to come out, and can't find a date, WTF?".  It was unbelievable how many responses I received, and the cross section of individuals from which I received emails.

• One of the most disturbing email exchanges was with an older man who cussed me out over email for being a hypocrite, after I politely told him I was not interested in going on a date with a much older man. 
• One of the most encouraging emails came from a guy in his last 30's who sounded very grounded, well-adjusted, and talented.  He proceeded to provide his opinion of the gay scene in the triangle, which was pretty funny, and educational at the same time.  According to what I have read, the Triangle has a distinct gay culture, I guess, to which many feel it is very "cliquish".  This same guy proceeded to give me a sketch of the "development" of a gay man :)  For example, what happens during his college years, his 20's, and his 30's. He had some very interesting opinions about how men coming out in college may be in danger of adopting all that is in the 'stereotypical gay" culture, in a way, obscuring their own talents, idiosyncracies, and traits which may run counter to the "gay" culture to which they are trying to adapt. 
• One email came from a very nice, genuine individual about my age. I could actually see this turning into a friendship because we had common interests. 
• Finally, emails from 2 different individuals responding to my "WTF" advertisement led to my first dates. 

3) Several times I posted ads to try to screen down the freaks responding, really trying to find masculine dudes, who were Christian, athletic, etc.  Those led to some emails back and forth, but never materialized into actual dates.

Lessons Learned: 

• CL is a hookup fest (doesn't take a PhD to figure that out)
• I do *NOT* want a hook-up to be my first-time experience.
• Targeted advertising (crafting ads with certain words, characteristics you are looking for) may work to grab attention of certain type of person you're trying to find, but still beware. There are a lot of nut jobs out there who just want a blowjob.
• Don't be surprised if people engage in conversation over emails for a while, but then drop you after they see your photograph for the first time. That goes with the territory, unless of course you are an Abercrombie model.

Is Having A Gay Sexual Fantasy a Litmus Test for Being Gay?

Would it be crazy to admit that I want to date a guy in order to confirm that I'm going down the right path? I mean, let me be frank about another fear of mine: What happens if this is all in my head? Are my fantasies just a some type of psychosexual by-product of past sexual intimacy issues? I can't deny that my relationships with women have been fucked up, but what was the cause: my hypothetical gayness, or the dynamics of the relationship? Who will ever know? The head games have been plaguing me for years, hence the urgent need to break up with my most recent girlfriend. When things got serious, I had to be honest with myself, and with her.  I had no choice but to openly admit I was questioning my sexuality, and had been secretly doing so for years. 

 My logic thus far for why I think I am gay are 2 fold: 

1) my failure to have healthy sexual intimacy with women
2) discrete events i can identify from my past that demonstrates my attraction to guys.  

So, what gives? What else is a psychiatrist to say? Or friends, or family? I've heard the pro-heterosexual arguments of how erections can be hindered by dysfunctional relationships, but I am *so* tired of hearing these "hopeful" arguments from my parents and select friends.  How could many attempts for sex over two years lead to erectile issues due to a dysfunctional relationship? The simple biological response of sexual attraction and erections would overpower those other factors at least in some situations, I would guess.  According to my straight friends, they still can get erections after fights with their spouses.

So for those who continue the arguments of how somebody can be "cured" of homosexuality; from what I have recently read, one needs to be careful to make the distinction between homosexual behavior by the "true" homosexual versus the "true" heterosexual.  For the heterosexual engaging in homosexual behavior as an experimental phase, this person may in fact be able be "cured" of homosexual behavior if their true sexual attraction falls more with somebody of the opposite sex.  For the true homosexual engaging in homosexual behavior, this person I would argue cannot be "cured", since their biological and emotional responses to men cannot necessarily be changed. The phenomenon of sexual attraction, which I would argue is innate, may happen between a man and a woman, woman and woman, man and man.  In turn, sexual fantasies may be a by-product of this natural attraction. Just has a heterosexual man may be inclined to fantasize (most of the time) about women when masturbating, a homosexual man may be inclined to fantasize (most of the time) about men. If it is "easier", so to speak, for a so-called heterosexual man to fantasize about being with a man, it may not be necessarily a bad thing for this man to question his sexuality and explore a bit. In fact, I would argue that exploration is better than repression, the latter of which causes latent guilt, depression, and anxiety.

So, I would put it out there: that one potential litmus test for homosexuality is being honest with yourself about your sexual fantasies. Let's get it out there: fantasies can be in during your actual dreams; as well as those you cook up when you are either masturbating by yourself, or having sexual relations with your partner. How many of these fantasies are gay? How many are straight? Most guys, although will not admit, have had same-sex sexual fantasies. I used this to rationalize my behavior for years.  But, the difference between a homosexual and a heterosexual would be the *prevalence* of gay fantasies over straight fantasies.

So, despite my own personal convictions, being "almost sure" I am gay, I'm continually frustrated at how difficult it is to **move on***.  First, I'm not the type to have a one-night stand; second, all on-line encounters have been sketchy at best; third: i'm afraid I won't find the ideal guy for me, especially since my own homophobic feelings are still present.  For example, I don't identify with effeminate gay men; it's actually a huge turn off. In contrast, I would identify with a masculine male who appeared to be straight, especially one who had family values, kindness and compassion, and a good solid sense of self-awareness. Does this exist only in straight men? If so, I'm screwed.

So, my journey continues. Yes, I have had 2 dates with 2 different guys. But, my next goal: repeat dates with the same dude; with whom I have  a "connection"; a feeling that I have yet to experience with a gay guy.

So boys, continue your fantasies, and be true to yourselves. If you are straight and have a rare gay dream here and again, don't freak out.  If you are in the closet, and have had consistently repeated gay dreams, examine yourself a bit more. Dare to delve into your deepest fears or truths. You'll be amazed at what you find, and how you grow. 

Parental Breakthrough

I welcome my first weekend of freedom, to what I could refer to as my personal "sabbatical". My last day of work was last Friday; so I now have an indeterminate amount to time to figure out what is next.  I sat at dinner tonight with my dog, eating a simple meal of couscous, red beans, salsa, corn, and a glass of red wine; with some Jack Johnson playing in the background. I'm trying not to focus on the negative, most of which is the unending sexuality issue; but the positive: new job, new places, new opportunities.

My parents had  breakthrough last week: they both went to therapy to talk specifically about how to deal with my sexuality issues.  I was relieved to hear my dad feel a sense of understanding of my situation, which was incredibly encouraging. Despite my gripes about my parents in a previous entry, I must admit I feel blessed that they do love me unconditionally and are taking the steps for therapy themselves, to really try to work through things. In the same 15 minute conversation, dad said 2 times how much they have been thinking about me, and working through some things. It sounded like they had some important insights from the psychiatrist, who has coached our whole family through many issues the past 30 years.

Self-Discovery Through Experience or Knowledge? A Tale of Two Identities

I have realized at a much deeper level the source of despair which has been ever present the past 2 weeks: in a very real way: I have 2 identities up in the air: my personal identity and my professional identity.  Additionally, I have 2 choices: to fight my circumstances, or to embrace my circumstances.

For the personal identity, I move in a slow, naive, and cumbersome manner.  Assumptions of the interactions between women and men during the dating process go out the window. For example, I was told that telling a guy that I have recently come out is a "liability", in other words, I have extra baggage.  The guy who has been out for a while already does not want to deal with the dude who still has issues with his sexuality.  Another example: a guy was hesitant to go out with me again because he was not interested in sex. Wow. Did he know who he was talking to? In my meek attempt to explain myself over email, I dug a hole for myself, and managed to scare the guy off. What the fuck? Why does a guy want to go on a date, if he doesn't want to see where things go? So goddamn confusing. And then the guy I will refer to as N.  So good looking, full of empty promises. Still not a word from him.  And then the guy I will call Ass. I don't think there is a better word for him. His classic words of wisdom to me was to make sure I get a blowjob as soon as possible....After asking if I was a "top" or a "bottom" (see the future Craig's List Column editorial), he walked me to my car and told me he wanted to feel me up.  Are these "gay" dating issues, or "dating" issues? I have no road signs in this new world.  There are rules I do not know about.  Things I'm not sure I even *want* to know about. Am I even gay after all, if I think all this is a bunch of bullshit that makes me uncomfortable and want to just be single, and say the hell with it?

For my work identity, I try to move in an impulsive, fast-paced manner, only to be slowed down by confusion and a sense of being overwhelmed. What do I really want? If I think a job sounds good, how do I really feel once I get into the situation? What components are important? Is there a job that I can thrive in, that does not exacerbate my anxiety and depression?

And in the midst of these 2 identities up in the air, is my mental health which is wreaking havoc. Is this the cause or the effect of such crazy circumstances?

And I now see the commonalities between these searches for identity: I go on a full scale search to explore, and figure things out. That is the only way to discover myself: to jump in.  But, if there is nothing to jump into, or test the waters, where is the path to self-discovery?  I would argue that one needs to taste, feel, hear, and touch to experience what stirs your soul.  I would further argue that constantly thinking about things, ruminating, journalling, and unending therapy just serves to exacerbate the stillness, and the quandry.

I seek a balance: therapy, journalling, and prayer to identify my needs; and seeking out experience to validate the other truths.  This is what I seek. My truths. To validate them, and to delve deeper into my soulful spirit.

I Know My Truths, So Why Do I Feel the Need to Justify to Others? WTF?

I understand that I need counselling to discern all these stressful events: quitting my job; anxiety; depression;sexual identity. In fact, it's monstrous how many things I am coping with right now. So, yes, I agree I need counselling for the long term. 

What I do not understand is how my mother thinks I'm jumping the gun when I'm saying I'm coming out.  It's like she thinks that I'm making an uninformed decision about myself without seeking regular counseling first; that my off and on counselling is not sufficient for me to figure myself out.  It's ridiculous.  I agree I need counselling for the coming out process; but to have somebody question whether I'm ready for it is infuriating when she doesn't even understand what it is like to be in this situation.  Why do I even feel the need to justify myself to my mom when it comes to my sexuality? Don't people understand that shrinks can only do so much. They help us become honest with ourselves, and identify behaviors, thoughts from the past that help us conclude who we are.  I've never been so honest with myself in my life. I could write a list (and in fact, I already have) about signs of my attraction to guys. Who can argue with that? It's so fucking frustrating to have to justify myself to people; when I KNOW who I am!! Damn it it pisses me off. 

Now, that being said, I can see the viewpoint of my parents that I do need counseling for my mental health, independent of the sexual identity crisis.  It's gotten to the point, though, that I know that one of the roots of all of this is the sexual identity.  And I don't need an counselor to tell me that. I just need a counselor to help me through how to accept and deal with the truth. 

So, I know the truths about myself intimately. It's when I feel cornered and need to justify them to somebody else, to make them understand, as they say "are you sure"; rationalizing that I am just confused, and have had bad relationships, I say: STOP. I am not having this conversation with you anymore to justify who I am.  I agree that I need to seek professional help for coping, but I am not going to waste my energy convincing you that I know my sexual identify much better than you do.

Part of Me Wonders....

I'm just trying to survive my last few days here at work...... .. even these last weeks, i cannot seem to succeed in work-life balance. I wonder whether this will be the case no matter what job I end up taking. I worry.  And I wonder where did all my motivation go? If I do want to pursue academia, I would have to have a source of energy that is not in me right now. Where would that energy originate? Do I really like research?

I have also noticed another change this week: this job search / career shift has distracted me from the homosexuality issue. Part of me wonders: is that because I'm not gay, or is that because I'm going through a major life change with my career?

It's difficult within 3 or 4 weeks to finally realize that a career path that you envisioned yourself taking is not realistic, is not for you.

And these life changes are in parallel: coming out; career shift. It's draining. I just wish I reach some type of resolution or plan soon.

An Extreme Makeover: Phase I

I woke up 20 pounds heavier. My health went to crap the past 2 years: mentally, and physically. I think back to before girlfriend (at the time) moved to my hometown.. I was just out of my graduate school program, exercising daily, doing my post-doc.  Then: a new job; girlfriend moves to town; juggling things back and forth. Then the house hunt. Then the questioning of my sexuality; then the depression; adapting to my job.... ..  

I weighed myself this morning. Usually, I just take this in stride, just check every once in a while, keeping things in check. Doctor says I need to watch my weight b/c of my kidney problem. hypertension, high cholesterol, family history of heart disease... Constant battle... 

And I realize that this battle of keeping myself physically in shape is directly linked to my mental health as well.  If I am in a job that seems structureless; competitive, and requires myself putting on the boundaries, I tend to put my own needs on hold. Eat like crap; don't exercise regularly; non-structured daily routine. So now the time has come: permanent change in my health starting with an Extreme Makeover.

I take stock in what I have gone through the past 3 months:

1) come to terms with my sexuality. 

2) have gone on a couple of dates with dudes. 

3) have come out to the rest of my closest friends. 

4) have identified that my job sucks, and have resigned. 

My main goals the next 3 months are to:  

1) discern my next job calling

2) lose 20 pounds

3) donate any excess belongings that I do not need anymore. 

4) go on a road trip out West.

Stay tuned........

Half-Way Out of the Closet Without a Job

So I resigned from my job yesterday. I feel liberated, yet a bit apprehensive at the same time.  It's been a crazy month on all fronts. After an amazing trip up to the Boundary Waters for a reunion at a camp that I went to for 5 summers in a row as a kid, I was inspired to change my life. Sometimes one goes to nature, and just hopes for spiritual experiences that don't happen. That trip was transforming. Going back to that sacred spot which was a source of growth and maturation as a little kid took on a new meaning. It was what I needed to grow closer to truths.


So, I digress. I came back from the MN trip, and decided to come out to a few more close people in my life, and then start meeting some gay guys through friends. I started signing up for meetup.com groups. Asking guys on dates. I jumped in fully. 


But then I quit my job.  This was a parallel drama with the coming out process.  This job was not taking me anywhere. I was not enthusiastic about the projects. But, I was also depressed because of the state of my life. I'm not sure if I will ever know which came first: the depression, or the job dissatisfaction, but either way, the truth is: I needed to leave. 


So here I am.  Half-way out of the closet with no job. I'm free. I guess. At least for a few months. I need a plan. This begins with job networking, and a road trip out West with my Puppy Leif my Goldendoodle. Destinations still unknown.  Possibilities include: Seattle, Chicago, Madison, Denver, Kansas City.  Stops may include dog parks, friends' houses, state parks, and of course, future places of employment. Of course I will need to find the local Camp Bow Wow during those interview days.....  Lots to plan, but what a cool adventure. 


So, I'm off to a new start, feeling inspired to start my new life. New cities could bring better opportunities for finding male companions; for finding a job with a better fit.  So, to be continued.....