I reflect back on the original objective and goal of my blog.... which is below...
I am confronting the terrifying question: “Am I Gay"? Unbeknownst to me, this figurative closet enclosed me years ago. I start this blog in hopes of moving toward a greater sense of peace and clarity. With the exception of some random stories interspersed as comic relief, enclosed are the anecdotes of my standing, lingering, crying, praying, yelling, and laughing through this closet we call “gayness”. I hope these stories will entertain, provoke, and inspire.
Over the past 3.5 years, I feel confident that I have reached a sense of peace and clarity about my sexual orientation. I am indeed gay, and have reached a sense of satisfaction and relief. This transformation necessitated moving through some excruciating, yet important, stages. Interestingly I seemed to have moved through many of these stages rather quickly, the latest one being my 'teenage promiscuity' stage, one that my therapist insightfully referred to as my '35 year old teenage phase'. Indeed, my need to hook up and explore was part of that phase of my life which I did not experience....... I have also graduated through many phases apart from that one, including feeling comfortable going on dates with gay men. In my mind, I have reached a pattern of 'normalcy' which makes me feel much more confident in who I am, and who I am still becoming, and I am grateful for all support from friends I have had along the way.
Although I end this particular 3.5 year chapter of 'uncertainty and fear' with a sense of hope, my next chapter is not necessarily unique to just gay men... the chapter of dating. To me, I think that the issues I now deal with are not gayness or 'coming out' unique, which is part of my primary reason for this being my last blog entry, at least of *this* blog.
The title of this entry says it all: "I Was In A Closet Said the Gay Man", the concise and direct answer to the question asked a few years ago "Art Thou In a Closet, Sayeth the Str8 Man". And that is all.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Job completed... for now :)
I am clearly writing like a mad-man today, clearly a sign that I needed to vent my emotions, and think through some issues in my life. I feel better now :)
I'm going to Home Depot now. Interior design projects are calling my name.
I may check out the ballroom dancing venues around town as well. It's time to get back on the dance floor for some Tango, Rumba, and Cha-Cha action.
Watch out world. I'm back.
I'm going to Home Depot now. Interior design projects are calling my name.
I may check out the ballroom dancing venues around town as well. It's time to get back on the dance floor for some Tango, Rumba, and Cha-Cha action.
Watch out world. I'm back.
Unfinished Business
I still have some unresolved business to conduct: mentioning to some friends I'm gay. Although I know that 'coming out' is not required necessarily for everybody in one's life, but a few of my friends in the city I used to live in, I have been distancing myself from them out of fear.... fear that I haven't told them yet, and what they would think.
Although I do understand that coming out to everybody is not necessary, and sometimes not even advised... my therapist did share with me that if the withholding of this information is preventing you from reaching out to the people you love, it's time to share. This advice is worth it's weight in gold.
I have learned the opposite lesson as well.... which was a bit tough pill to swallow.... is that you should not come out to people you don't know very well. Fuck, it makes the other person so uncomfortable, and is so inappropriate. I mean, this whole theme going on in my head, about wanting acceptance., etc.. plays itself out in this situation as well... when I'm almost wanting to tell people because I see it as a way to share, and connect.
Well, never again.
I can recall 3 instances: 1 with a guy I had met through some networking; 1 at the gym, and 1 college roommate I hadn't spoken with in 15 years. For the first guy, outing myself seemed appropriate, because he asked about my dating life, and if I had any luck meeting women on the dating circuit. It was awkward for him, but not for me. He didn't have an issue with it, it was just a bit weird sharing that information with somebody I barely knew. For the second guy, I was glutton for punishment because after a few beers, I inserted my 'outing' into conversation, off a tangential conversation that was only somewhat related (if at all) to my sexuality. That went over like a lead balloon, and I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. And for my college roommate..... I again felt the need to bring it up over email, after he asked in a joking way how many women I've send to the cardiologist given the hearts I had broken over the years during my dating. Well, that was a bit more related to my sexuality, so I decided to mention to him, using the same humor... to bounce off his... 'well, i don't know about sending women to the cardiologist, but I did send them to the psychiatriast.. because I came out of the closet a few years ago'. Well. I guess I did not *really* have to say anything, but I do admit, he somewhat opened the door and invited me in for that one. Needless to say, and perhaps not surprisingly, I haven't heard back from him, and perhaps I never will. Not a loss necessarily, but just another reality of feeling different from others, and my life's path taking an alternative route, that others may not know how to respond or even deal with it.
Now, despite those difficult situations of coming out, I would say that 90% of my other interactions with friends and family have gone pretty darn well, so I say to those who were uncomfortable or disapproving of my life: it's your loss.
Although I do understand that coming out to everybody is not necessary, and sometimes not even advised... my therapist did share with me that if the withholding of this information is preventing you from reaching out to the people you love, it's time to share. This advice is worth it's weight in gold.
I have learned the opposite lesson as well.... which was a bit tough pill to swallow.... is that you should not come out to people you don't know very well. Fuck, it makes the other person so uncomfortable, and is so inappropriate. I mean, this whole theme going on in my head, about wanting acceptance., etc.. plays itself out in this situation as well... when I'm almost wanting to tell people because I see it as a way to share, and connect.
Well, never again.
I can recall 3 instances: 1 with a guy I had met through some networking; 1 at the gym, and 1 college roommate I hadn't spoken with in 15 years. For the first guy, outing myself seemed appropriate, because he asked about my dating life, and if I had any luck meeting women on the dating circuit. It was awkward for him, but not for me. He didn't have an issue with it, it was just a bit weird sharing that information with somebody I barely knew. For the second guy, I was glutton for punishment because after a few beers, I inserted my 'outing' into conversation, off a tangential conversation that was only somewhat related (if at all) to my sexuality. That went over like a lead balloon, and I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. And for my college roommate..... I again felt the need to bring it up over email, after he asked in a joking way how many women I've send to the cardiologist given the hearts I had broken over the years during my dating. Well, that was a bit more related to my sexuality, so I decided to mention to him, using the same humor... to bounce off his... 'well, i don't know about sending women to the cardiologist, but I did send them to the psychiatriast.. because I came out of the closet a few years ago'. Well. I guess I did not *really* have to say anything, but I do admit, he somewhat opened the door and invited me in for that one. Needless to say, and perhaps not surprisingly, I haven't heard back from him, and perhaps I never will. Not a loss necessarily, but just another reality of feeling different from others, and my life's path taking an alternative route, that others may not know how to respond or even deal with it.
Now, despite those difficult situations of coming out, I would say that 90% of my other interactions with friends and family have gone pretty darn well, so I say to those who were uncomfortable or disapproving of my life: it's your loss.
Today will be a new beginning
OK. I feel resolute about how I'm going to improve my life. As I removed myself from my stressful week, I have realized that I have shoved aside the hobbies I pursued before I relocated, and I'm not sure why. Part of my rationale was I needed to adjust to the new life as a tenure-track professor. So, I have been at it for a year, and pretty much have my routine down. I have moved into a new house and I'm all settled. I've reconnected with friends, family, and am starting to feel settled. So, what's next? I have been unhealthily pursuing the online dating/hook up scene, trying to fill a void. A void that exists, which is odd, because an outsider would not think of a void existing given my busy schedule, social life, and such. But, reality is not necessarily what appears at the surface, indeed. This wake-up call seems needed..... the wake-up call that I have gathered from listening to those around me.... either my friends, my family, or strangers on my blog. I have absorbed all of this, and established some patterns, patterns that need to change. Although I do not have control over what guys want to go on dates with me, I do have complete control over designing and pursuing hobbies that fulfill me. I mean, I look around and see what surrounds me, the interests which fill my soul and spirit with contentment, and wonder why the fuck I don't end up doing those, when I'm feeling a little lonely. Shit, what has been my fucking problem? I shouldn't be so hard on myself; I am glad that I have at least come to this important conclusions. Interesting that it took some courage to be vulnerable and taking risks.. such as blogging, asking guys out, being myself (trying to at least), listening to others, trying to be patient, confronting my own limitations and struggles, confronting these nuances of my personality... it has led me to ideas of how to build up my happiness again.
I think back to the journey of my coming out, and the victories which have grown out of struggles. I have had many 'phoenix rising' moments, born directly out of struggles, painful, and awkward experiences. I have tried to listen to my heart and spirit during these moments, to help direct me to the next steps, and thus far, that listening has led to progress.
So, let's think back to some key 'come to Jesus moments'. A recent one was the way I was surfing online sites and contacting guys. Once I began to actually read their profiles and contact them with questions, and genuine interest.... (imagine that), I got more responses. Another huge insight that I learned when I came out of the closet, and was experimenting with hookups... I came to a stark realization that fantasies and realities rarely match up in hook up situations, if at all. I was naive to think otherwise, but hell, it was new for me, now I know. I still fall into that trap, though.. especially with online communications. It is so easy to 'fill in the blanks' for a guy using our own fantasies of how we would like the ideal guy to act. I even catch myself assuming somebody should act a certain way, simply because that is way that I act in that situation. Shit. All these lessons. Maybe one of these days I can put these together successfully, while at the same time, rolling with the punches.
The next insight to put on my list happened this week, I cannot necessarily take credit for... was the feedback from various interactions from online folks, as well as a close friend.. is that my eagerness and enthusiasm could be misconstrued as maybe being desperate, or coming across too strongly, which is a turn off to the other person. I cannot count how many fucking times I did this in previous relationships with women... it's one of my blind spots, and I had no idea that it would negatively impact. I guess this, in addition to people pleasing, is not the best combination in the world.
I realize that I need to take on a bit more detachment, probably for my own self-preservation, as well as respect for the other person's space. This goes beyond just my dating.. it applies also to my academic work. I put my passion into everything I do, and with that, my emotions, my strengths, my weaknesses, my expectations, and my hopes. That is a lot of shove onto a research project, a collaboration.... a relationship, or a friendship. And, although this intensity I mostly internalize...... it manifests itself in my insecurity toward others, my ability to trust, my inability to let go, my need to control. It's fucking a pain in the ass, and the last thing I want to do is turn people off to the true person I am, just because I'm insecure, wanting love, acceptance, and all of that.
I'm sitting here almost shocked at myself about these floods of insights and connections I am making about myself, seeming to just jump onto the page. But the real issue now, is how to cope, and what are the next steps I can do to improve my life, and decrease the negative effects of my personality/behavior challenges on my own quality of life, as well as others? I'm either way overthinking these things, or I have actually hit the jackpot with respect to acknowledging some of my issues, or a combination of the two.
One thing I'm thinking about doing, as to the suggestion of a fellow blogger, is to take a break from online dating scene. This is great advice, and I know that is what I need to do. Clearly the fact that I'm hesitant to do that indicates that I have a bit of a control/loneliness/neediness issue... at least with respect to thinking I need to find a boyfriend or be in a relationship. This 'guy chase' mentality has taken over a part of my life which is starting to have negative impacts on other parts. That means it's fucking time to change things up, and prevent further self-victimization, self-loathing shit. It's time for a new day.
I'm going to start today.
I think back to the journey of my coming out, and the victories which have grown out of struggles. I have had many 'phoenix rising' moments, born directly out of struggles, painful, and awkward experiences. I have tried to listen to my heart and spirit during these moments, to help direct me to the next steps, and thus far, that listening has led to progress.
So, let's think back to some key 'come to Jesus moments'. A recent one was the way I was surfing online sites and contacting guys. Once I began to actually read their profiles and contact them with questions, and genuine interest.... (imagine that), I got more responses. Another huge insight that I learned when I came out of the closet, and was experimenting with hookups... I came to a stark realization that fantasies and realities rarely match up in hook up situations, if at all. I was naive to think otherwise, but hell, it was new for me, now I know. I still fall into that trap, though.. especially with online communications. It is so easy to 'fill in the blanks' for a guy using our own fantasies of how we would like the ideal guy to act. I even catch myself assuming somebody should act a certain way, simply because that is way that I act in that situation. Shit. All these lessons. Maybe one of these days I can put these together successfully, while at the same time, rolling with the punches.
The next insight to put on my list happened this week, I cannot necessarily take credit for... was the feedback from various interactions from online folks, as well as a close friend.. is that my eagerness and enthusiasm could be misconstrued as maybe being desperate, or coming across too strongly, which is a turn off to the other person. I cannot count how many fucking times I did this in previous relationships with women... it's one of my blind spots, and I had no idea that it would negatively impact. I guess this, in addition to people pleasing, is not the best combination in the world.
I realize that I need to take on a bit more detachment, probably for my own self-preservation, as well as respect for the other person's space. This goes beyond just my dating.. it applies also to my academic work. I put my passion into everything I do, and with that, my emotions, my strengths, my weaknesses, my expectations, and my hopes. That is a lot of shove onto a research project, a collaboration.... a relationship, or a friendship. And, although this intensity I mostly internalize...... it manifests itself in my insecurity toward others, my ability to trust, my inability to let go, my need to control. It's fucking a pain in the ass, and the last thing I want to do is turn people off to the true person I am, just because I'm insecure, wanting love, acceptance, and all of that.
I'm sitting here almost shocked at myself about these floods of insights and connections I am making about myself, seeming to just jump onto the page. But the real issue now, is how to cope, and what are the next steps I can do to improve my life, and decrease the negative effects of my personality/behavior challenges on my own quality of life, as well as others? I'm either way overthinking these things, or I have actually hit the jackpot with respect to acknowledging some of my issues, or a combination of the two.
One thing I'm thinking about doing, as to the suggestion of a fellow blogger, is to take a break from online dating scene. This is great advice, and I know that is what I need to do. Clearly the fact that I'm hesitant to do that indicates that I have a bit of a control/loneliness/neediness issue... at least with respect to thinking I need to find a boyfriend or be in a relationship. This 'guy chase' mentality has taken over a part of my life which is starting to have negative impacts on other parts. That means it's fucking time to change things up, and prevent further self-victimization, self-loathing shit. It's time for a new day.
I'm going to start today.
An Objective Re-Evaluation
This has been quite a week of activity leading to stressful emotions for me..... grandmom had to go to the hospital; I underestimated the time it would take to write lectures that were due and had to do a bit of cramming, so I wore myself out; I had a date with a guy I have a crush on, and my hopes kinda made my head spin; I am getting good insights and advice from folks on my blog as well as those I correspond with online about the importance of being happy being single, or I will exude some type of desperation, neediness, and loneliness. Fuck,
This is making me re-evaluate things a bit. I mean, I consider myself a gregarious, compassion, outgoing, extraverted person. Ask my wide circle of friends.. But, I also have this other side of me which has been glaringly obvious to me this week... to me, and obviously to others.. that kinda makes me nervous, and wonders whether I truly know who I am, or how I interact with others.
I'm not sure the root of the problem, or how to resolve it. I think I just need to start filling my life with hobbies again. For example, I had a dream last night that I got involved again in my ballroom dancing. That was such a great hobby that led to so much happiness, fulfillment, challenge, friendships, and fellowship. I love the combination of music, dancing, conversation, letting go.. and just having fun.
Fuck, I get so immersed in work obligations, that I get lost in my head; which is a big part of the problem. I lose sight of my own needs, what makes me happy.... Once I figure that out, things could improve dramatically in my personal life.
Oddly, despite all of this, I have met a few more guys on line...like, in a non-hook up kind of way, where they're interested in going out for a beer. This is all good; I just need do detach myself, chill out and bit, and have fun with the dates.
Yes, I think that is what is so strange. I am so worried about finding a BF, and I can't even enjoy the moment of a date, and I keep thinking forward and ahead to 'relationship'. I think people can sniff that out from a mile away.
I hope that I can reconcile myself soon; and I hope that my friend wants to go out on a second date. the ball is in his court, and I will gladly keep it there for now... ....because all of these insights from the past few days have taught me to take a step back and not take this all so fucking seriously.
Yes: 2 primary qualities about myself: 1) I have a tendency to be very tightly 'wound' and 2) I am a people pleaser. Those two in combination, when I'm stressed, feeling needy: is a total disaster waiting to happen. God help me. I'm glad I have identified some things to work on now :)
thanks, all for your comments. will help me get onto a new tack, and I hope life will start improving now :)
This is making me re-evaluate things a bit. I mean, I consider myself a gregarious, compassion, outgoing, extraverted person. Ask my wide circle of friends.. But, I also have this other side of me which has been glaringly obvious to me this week... to me, and obviously to others.. that kinda makes me nervous, and wonders whether I truly know who I am, or how I interact with others.
I'm not sure the root of the problem, or how to resolve it. I think I just need to start filling my life with hobbies again. For example, I had a dream last night that I got involved again in my ballroom dancing. That was such a great hobby that led to so much happiness, fulfillment, challenge, friendships, and fellowship. I love the combination of music, dancing, conversation, letting go.. and just having fun.
Fuck, I get so immersed in work obligations, that I get lost in my head; which is a big part of the problem. I lose sight of my own needs, what makes me happy.... Once I figure that out, things could improve dramatically in my personal life.
Oddly, despite all of this, I have met a few more guys on line...like, in a non-hook up kind of way, where they're interested in going out for a beer. This is all good; I just need do detach myself, chill out and bit, and have fun with the dates.
Yes, I think that is what is so strange. I am so worried about finding a BF, and I can't even enjoy the moment of a date, and I keep thinking forward and ahead to 'relationship'. I think people can sniff that out from a mile away.
I hope that I can reconcile myself soon; and I hope that my friend wants to go out on a second date. the ball is in his court, and I will gladly keep it there for now... ....because all of these insights from the past few days have taught me to take a step back and not take this all so fucking seriously.
Yes: 2 primary qualities about myself: 1) I have a tendency to be very tightly 'wound' and 2) I am a people pleaser. Those two in combination, when I'm stressed, feeling needy: is a total disaster waiting to happen. God help me. I'm glad I have identified some things to work on now :)
thanks, all for your comments. will help me get onto a new tack, and I hope life will start improving now :)
Friday, October 28, 2011
Note to Self
Bring the last few blog entries to my therapist next week. I'll get my money's worth out of the discussion, without a doubt. Perhaps I'll come out ahead this time :)
Re-Evaluating, Re-Grouping = Overanalysis or Useful Self-Reflection? LOL. Jesus. I need a chill pill.
I woke up this morning with insights that jolted me out of my ridiculous, immature self-pitying about chasing guys and waiting for dates...Actually, what happened was I woke up with an irritation about a colleague of mine, who appears to be very non-comittal to teaching in my elective, despite my working for their course overtime. Part of this issue is definitely ME.. where I'm *expecting* things in return, which causes me to get mad at the other person without reason, any information, and I end up creating these stories in my mind that ends up making me feel irritated, mad, and like I'm being the victim.
It's ridiculous, selfish, and self-defeatist. These insights jolted me into thinking: I can't believe that I let external events/people control my emotions; I end up internalizing, and taking the blame, and getting mad..... without being patient, doing further inquiries about the situation. I end up getting mad, feeling sorry for myself, and end up with my 'panties in a wad' for lack of better term.
With this insight, I got angry at myself, but also, I started to treat myself with a bit more respect, and realize that I should surround myself with people who do care about me, and if I do sense that I am not getting something in return, to try not to judge the other person, and try not to blame myself. Interesting. When I am disappointed in not having my expectations met, I go 2 paths: 1) I get frustrated at the other person and want to blame them (if I know them well); or 2) I blame myself and play the victim. Then I turn all passive-aggressive like, and my brain gets fried.
Of course, all of this is happening during a week when I'm in HIGH gear at work with lots of deadlines and stress, and my own self-imposed expectations, which is not making things any easier. I keep writing in my journal as a way to let off steam, which is actually helping tremendously.
I'm feeling vulnerable now. Honestly, I feel vulnerable, with these naked emotions.....Am I just over-perceptive? Why am I always seeming to have to readjust my expectations, my emotions... and re-evaluate and re-group? Is this just part of life?
It's ridiculous, selfish, and self-defeatist. These insights jolted me into thinking: I can't believe that I let external events/people control my emotions; I end up internalizing, and taking the blame, and getting mad..... without being patient, doing further inquiries about the situation. I end up getting mad, feeling sorry for myself, and end up with my 'panties in a wad' for lack of better term.
With this insight, I got angry at myself, but also, I started to treat myself with a bit more respect, and realize that I should surround myself with people who do care about me, and if I do sense that I am not getting something in return, to try not to judge the other person, and try not to blame myself. Interesting. When I am disappointed in not having my expectations met, I go 2 paths: 1) I get frustrated at the other person and want to blame them (if I know them well); or 2) I blame myself and play the victim. Then I turn all passive-aggressive like, and my brain gets fried.
Of course, all of this is happening during a week when I'm in HIGH gear at work with lots of deadlines and stress, and my own self-imposed expectations, which is not making things any easier. I keep writing in my journal as a way to let off steam, which is actually helping tremendously.
I'm feeling vulnerable now. Honestly, I feel vulnerable, with these naked emotions.....Am I just over-perceptive? Why am I always seeming to have to readjust my expectations, my emotions... and re-evaluate and re-group? Is this just part of life?
Thursday, October 27, 2011
No Answers
so tonight I took the night off, watched some TV, disconnected from online dating sites, listened to music,,, i also cried quite a bit too... perhaps an emotional release of some tension; also some relief that I've identified some new issues. i'm scared that these cycles I am in are partially due to anxiety/depression; i've been given some advice as well that the roots of some of this anxiety, insecurity, angst.. may be because I have not reached my full potential of loving myself quite yet. Interesting insight from a fellow blogger. I never really thought of it this way. I mean, I do feel grateful that I have come so far in three years... come out of the closet, changed careers to something very fulfilling, starting to build a community of friends in my new city... so I have a lot of potential to get to a better place.
But, yes.. it's like I have this constant itch I scratch about trying to find intimacy.. a boyfriend... a relationship... and when I try too hard, it blows up in my face. Also, when I do try, it comes off not so good to other guys, and potentially turns them off. The thought of that just makes me feel repulsed with myself, that my enthusiasm for being with a guy would come off as desperate or needy. Seriously? Now I'm starting to doubt my own character, and my confidence. This is so fucked up. How can I go from a crush on a guy to a total self-destructive worry wart within 5 days? this makes no sense to me at all. it's gotta be chemical imbalance or something? Maybe the 'something missing' is not a relationship, but something else, that I can't quite find, or know how to find. This is hard. How can I like my hobbies, my surroundings, my career, but not really be at peace with myself? Why the restlessness, and how can I make it stop?
But, yes.. it's like I have this constant itch I scratch about trying to find intimacy.. a boyfriend... a relationship... and when I try too hard, it blows up in my face. Also, when I do try, it comes off not so good to other guys, and potentially turns them off. The thought of that just makes me feel repulsed with myself, that my enthusiasm for being with a guy would come off as desperate or needy. Seriously? Now I'm starting to doubt my own character, and my confidence. This is so fucked up. How can I go from a crush on a guy to a total self-destructive worry wart within 5 days? this makes no sense to me at all. it's gotta be chemical imbalance or something? Maybe the 'something missing' is not a relationship, but something else, that I can't quite find, or know how to find. This is hard. How can I like my hobbies, my surroundings, my career, but not really be at peace with myself? Why the restlessness, and how can I make it stop?
Will My Vulnerabilities Lead to Rejections?
I'm not learning...... I keep making the same mistakes.... I keep giving into my negative emotions, my temptations, and I end up beating myself up over it, which just makes everything worse. I feel circular thoughts that go into panic, because I am worried about whether I'm doing something wrong, whether it is me. I get frustrated b/c I find myself back into a cycle which I tried to avoid in the first place, a cycle of emotions which is triggered by crushes on guys, expectations that end up leading to disappointment... basically, situations where I cannot remain 'stable' becuase my emotions get affected by my external environment. makes me feel like I'm needy; which then makes me feel vulnerable, as if these idiosyncracies are exuding from me in such an obvious way, that I end up scaring guys away. Why do I say this? I say this because of lack of patience, which can come across on email like I'm putting pressure on somebody or a situation, when really... maybe I'm not wanting to? but I am, inevitably? comes across that way... where I can't just wait and let something develop. It's hard for me. I don't know what else to do about it. How do I work on the skill of 'patience'? it's so ambiguous; so annoying; so unproductive. But I need to see it from the other person's perspective: if I had somebody breatheing down my neck, not giving me a chance to respond an initiate, then imbalance would occur from the very beginning. I'm already afraid I've fucked up. Just by appearing eager and potentially impatient, I think I may have just screwed my chances with this guy. I'm really purposefully making an effort to NOT contact him.... the point has been made.. i told him I like him, and want to go out with him again; so maybe I should just rest assured that the ball is in his court.
Meanwhile, I'm obsessing about this stuff when I really should be cramming for lectures, and I just go really behind last month, and all my deadlines are suddenly upon me. These strressors are all coming in at once, and the way to deal with them: coping with this takes mental power, patience, and trust; which is totally what i am LACKING right now, for some reason. I feel like I need to be methodical, instead of just rolling with it, and jumping right in, and going with my intuition. makes me feel frozen when I feel like I run out of time, and my original plans do not go through. Powerless. Cannot meet expectations. Feel frustrated.
Then, I think of the rejection..... really having a crush on a guy, then, when it is not returned, it feels like a punch in the face. I wish I could just roll with things and let them develop. What types of strategies? well, my first strategy was to try to find other guys as a distraction, so I went on a hunt... for hookups... which inevitably brought me into the CL cycle (but this time on A4A), and led me into some self-revolting situations, where I ended up taking a anti-panic pill just to calm my nerves the rest of the day.
Fuck. I feel like I have mental issues. This is crazy. I feel like this is a very unattractive part of me, that I don't know what to do about, and that it would make somebody not want to date me... all of these idiosyncracies that make me who I am... enthusaistic with a bit of impatience, a bit neurotic, creative, ups and downs, emotional.. .. would somebody want to date me because of those? Why am I suddenly feeling like I am unwanted?
Meanwhile, I'm obsessing about this stuff when I really should be cramming for lectures, and I just go really behind last month, and all my deadlines are suddenly upon me. These strressors are all coming in at once, and the way to deal with them: coping with this takes mental power, patience, and trust; which is totally what i am LACKING right now, for some reason. I feel like I need to be methodical, instead of just rolling with it, and jumping right in, and going with my intuition. makes me feel frozen when I feel like I run out of time, and my original plans do not go through. Powerless. Cannot meet expectations. Feel frustrated.
Then, I think of the rejection..... really having a crush on a guy, then, when it is not returned, it feels like a punch in the face. I wish I could just roll with things and let them develop. What types of strategies? well, my first strategy was to try to find other guys as a distraction, so I went on a hunt... for hookups... which inevitably brought me into the CL cycle (but this time on A4A), and led me into some self-revolting situations, where I ended up taking a anti-panic pill just to calm my nerves the rest of the day.
Fuck. I feel like I have mental issues. This is crazy. I feel like this is a very unattractive part of me, that I don't know what to do about, and that it would make somebody not want to date me... all of these idiosyncracies that make me who I am... enthusaistic with a bit of impatience, a bit neurotic, creative, ups and downs, emotional.. .. would somebody want to date me because of those? Why am I suddenly feeling like I am unwanted?
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Deceptive Hopes and Grains of Salt
Where does the phrase 'take it with a grain of salt' originate? It's odd, but is relevant right now. It's a tough skill set for me.. taking things with a grain of salt... Maybe I'm even saying the phrase incorrectly. LOL. Anyhow, the online world is odd, and at this point, it's just par for the course when guys just drop out of sight; end their accounts and vanish. Also, it gets depressing when I pretty much have gone through all the guys on there, then I catch myself getting sad again.... it's the trap.......... now, the one guy that I have exchanged emails with back in forth; I have put my hopes into, and probably too much so. how do i not get my hopes up? how to have high hopes and low expectations?
I think I'm about to go into a dry spell again......it's so frustrating. First, I had 2 guys with whom I was corresponding; 1 completely disappeared; the other has dropped off a bit in writing; and I have these negative thoughts that the guy that i'm speaking with online has lots of options, and is getting all the emails from many other dudes, and i'm the struggling guy with not many people to hang my hat onto. I put too much stock and hope into these situations, which just ends up killing my hope if things don't work out. It's a ridiculous cycle,, which, if I'm not careful or mindful, tempts me back into the hookup train....
So, I need to remind myself over and over and over again: the other options for IN PERSON gatherings, including the monthly HRC happy hours; the monthly Bistro 303 happy hours; and my ongoing networking in the community with both straight and gay friends. One of these days.... one of these days... I really should try to concentrate on the positive and not get into my negative cycle.
And, I realize that my negative thoughts are exacerbated when I'm tired, and worn out.. So... the lesson here: hang tight, and take stock of the blessings in my life, and keep on exploring and making lemonade out of lemons.
I think I'm about to go into a dry spell again......it's so frustrating. First, I had 2 guys with whom I was corresponding; 1 completely disappeared; the other has dropped off a bit in writing; and I have these negative thoughts that the guy that i'm speaking with online has lots of options, and is getting all the emails from many other dudes, and i'm the struggling guy with not many people to hang my hat onto. I put too much stock and hope into these situations, which just ends up killing my hope if things don't work out. It's a ridiculous cycle,, which, if I'm not careful or mindful, tempts me back into the hookup train....
So, I need to remind myself over and over and over again: the other options for IN PERSON gatherings, including the monthly HRC happy hours; the monthly Bistro 303 happy hours; and my ongoing networking in the community with both straight and gay friends. One of these days.... one of these days... I really should try to concentrate on the positive and not get into my negative cycle.
And, I realize that my negative thoughts are exacerbated when I'm tired, and worn out.. So... the lesson here: hang tight, and take stock of the blessings in my life, and keep on exploring and making lemonade out of lemons.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
WTF??!!
what is UP with this? Backwards and odd. the male dating and hookup scene online is so weird. How is it that my R-rated photo gets attention, which then prompts a conversation, which then helps really bring out in people that they want to get to know somebody first, and maybe go on a date.. Strange.. strange... strange... I mean, I just met two guys online today, who want to actually go on a date, and not just hookup, even though the photos posted from either of us would suggest otherwise.
wow. this world is so fucking confusing.
wow. this world is so fucking confusing.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Nakedness
Nakedness. I want to talk more about this. LOL. I'm not sure whether I did this more as an experiment, or half wanted to hookup, but another site online that is maybe a few steps above CL, and includes people that want to hookup as well as those looking for a regular relationship, allows people to post anything.. including nakedness. Well, i created an alternative profile... anonymous... and placed, lets say, an NC-17 version pic because, OK. i admit,, maybe I wanted to hook-up.
This is the game that some gays play... ...
Well shit. flooded email box one day later.
Crazy. 99% of them of emailed me looked completely crazy. They were all naked too. :) Haaa. Some were gross; some were punk-ass; some were hot; but all were weird. 1 guy looked like a decent man, he actually had clothes on.
But I had this acute awareness, though.. a few of the guys who did email me, did not share the. Ahem..... same NC-17 version photos, but more, PG or even G rated photos. When I emailed one of the guys, in earnest, saying 'hey man, would be cool to get to know you'; it hit me that I had just walked up naked to a guy, and asked him out. How could he take me seriously if I was naked?
Another insight from the world of internet dating / hookups.
This is the game that some gays play... ...
Well shit. flooded email box one day later.
Crazy. 99% of them of emailed me looked completely crazy. They were all naked too. :) Haaa. Some were gross; some were punk-ass; some were hot; but all were weird. 1 guy looked like a decent man, he actually had clothes on.
But I had this acute awareness, though.. a few of the guys who did email me, did not share the. Ahem..... same NC-17 version photos, but more, PG or even G rated photos. When I emailed one of the guys, in earnest, saying 'hey man, would be cool to get to know you'; it hit me that I had just walked up naked to a guy, and asked him out. How could he take me seriously if I was naked?
Another insight from the world of internet dating / hookups.
I Sent Her To More Than Just A Cardiologist.....
haahaa. so, all in one night, I man-crushed on a straight guy, I came out to a college friend over email, and I got a returned email from a very cool and handsome looking guy who I've been corresponding with over email. Not bad, eh?
One of the strange things about last night.. I went to a fundraiser happy hour, and totally noticed that the gay dudes were segregating themselves in a corner, while I was having a great time just chatting with the straight guys... the place where I felt much more comfortable. It was a strange feeling, knowing that 'my kind' was over in the corner......... One of the guys I recognized from online dating site, and noted how outdated his photo was. LOL. One of the guys was actually pretty cute.
One of the other odd things about last night was coming out to the friend over email.. which i was totally not expecting. Being buzzed probably did not help, but .... I was still following by 'Don't Tell Unless Asked' policy,, and the question was ' so, are you having fun with the ladies and breaking their hearts, sending them to the cardiologist?" Loved it! It was such a shoe-in question. I said in a jovial, conversational, off the cuff manner... 'Well, I have had my share of girlfriends in the past few years, but I think instead of sending them to the cardiologist, i sent my last one to the psychiatrist'... and then said that I came out 3 years ago.
Part of me feels 'naked' after coming out.. unexpectedly. Feeling like I revealed too much; feeling bad that the other person will feel awkward and not know what to think. Is it fair to come out over email to somebody you haven't seen in years? Well, if you won't see that person in years anyhow, maybe it is the appropriate thing, We are in the internet age now, right?
My man crush on the gay man (much more productive than my man crush on a straight man) is proceeding well, as he globetrots around the Asia recruiting for a university, we exchange emails every week or so, and I look forward to his updates. I just admit,, I have become so jaded about this online dating, given that so few people have accountability lately, that I figured that his not writing back was just a sign that he was not interested. It's nice to have these surprises, and keeps the hope alive.
Go Gays!
One of the strange things about last night.. I went to a fundraiser happy hour, and totally noticed that the gay dudes were segregating themselves in a corner, while I was having a great time just chatting with the straight guys... the place where I felt much more comfortable. It was a strange feeling, knowing that 'my kind' was over in the corner......... One of the guys I recognized from online dating site, and noted how outdated his photo was. LOL. One of the guys was actually pretty cute.
One of the other odd things about last night was coming out to the friend over email.. which i was totally not expecting. Being buzzed probably did not help, but .... I was still following by 'Don't Tell Unless Asked' policy,, and the question was ' so, are you having fun with the ladies and breaking their hearts, sending them to the cardiologist?" Loved it! It was such a shoe-in question. I said in a jovial, conversational, off the cuff manner... 'Well, I have had my share of girlfriends in the past few years, but I think instead of sending them to the cardiologist, i sent my last one to the psychiatrist'... and then said that I came out 3 years ago.
Part of me feels 'naked' after coming out.. unexpectedly. Feeling like I revealed too much; feeling bad that the other person will feel awkward and not know what to think. Is it fair to come out over email to somebody you haven't seen in years? Well, if you won't see that person in years anyhow, maybe it is the appropriate thing, We are in the internet age now, right?
My man crush on the gay man (much more productive than my man crush on a straight man) is proceeding well, as he globetrots around the Asia recruiting for a university, we exchange emails every week or so, and I look forward to his updates. I just admit,, I have become so jaded about this online dating, given that so few people have accountability lately, that I figured that his not writing back was just a sign that he was not interested. It's nice to have these surprises, and keeps the hope alive.
Go Gays!
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Where is my slice of the pie?
When will I ever learn, and when will I just stop setting myself up for these failures and stupidities? I feel weak, that I can't go a week without my meds, without slumping down into my bad habits, self-deprecation, and doldrums... fuck, of course the triggers are well known: this obsessive need to be connected with a man, and intimacy... misdirected to hookups gone awry, which sets me into a tailspin, and here we are again. Fuck.
I'm just going to resign myself to the fact that I have mental health issues, and that NOT taking the meds can bring me into dangerous territory, which then has negative externalities on the rest of my life. getting up too late, getting my day started too slowly, allowing the negativeity of my relationship obsession take over the rest of my awareness for the entire morning, stealing my attention away from the things that really do matter.
Fuck it. I'll take the meds permanently. Screw the pipedream that said I would not need them. It's more than just the sexuality, I think I do have tendency for manic/depression, even however so minor... triggered by obsessive thoughts. It fucking tires me out. My brain keeps going and going and going when I'm in Negative Land, and doesn't let me stop, and soon my whole outlook on my life starts to quickly dim. Not healthy.
I want a break from all of this. I want to just be happy.... a contentment type of happy.. that I see of couples with families, kids, etc.. Where is my slice of the pie? What can I do to improve my situation?
I'm just going to resign myself to the fact that I have mental health issues, and that NOT taking the meds can bring me into dangerous territory, which then has negative externalities on the rest of my life. getting up too late, getting my day started too slowly, allowing the negativeity of my relationship obsession take over the rest of my awareness for the entire morning, stealing my attention away from the things that really do matter.
Fuck it. I'll take the meds permanently. Screw the pipedream that said I would not need them. It's more than just the sexuality, I think I do have tendency for manic/depression, even however so minor... triggered by obsessive thoughts. It fucking tires me out. My brain keeps going and going and going when I'm in Negative Land, and doesn't let me stop, and soon my whole outlook on my life starts to quickly dim. Not healthy.
I want a break from all of this. I want to just be happy.... a contentment type of happy.. that I see of couples with families, kids, etc.. Where is my slice of the pie? What can I do to improve my situation?
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Insights from Medications: Pre and Post
After I resigned myself to again taking a small dose of medication every other day, I can already tell a difference in my mental state. Even though I can also feel a difference in my sexual drive, only within 6 days of starting a dose that is 1/4 of what I took before.. I must say that having a quieted, non-racing mind all day may be worth the slightly less libido. A few things I have noticed... first, I'm able to take on and enjoy my hobbies, still with creativity and perseverance.. at the same time, triggers which would have last week set me into a downward spiral, seem to slide off my back, which is a great feeling of empowerment. The fear of being less creative and less focused without medications was a false prediction.... Although my creativity was in high gear, my feelings and goals were more erratic. In contrast, now I feel more focused, grounded, and relaxed.. and this is just at 10mg every other day, which ends up being thus far a nice balanced dose. So despite my pride of being off medications, I realize that this past summer, with no medications, my emotions were more erratic, I fell back into bad habits again, and my emotions were more prone to be affected by my environment. Now, although I could most likely survive without the medications, it comes with a price: it takes much more energy and behavioral change to stave off the anxiety and depression. With the medications, it becomes almost effortless, and as a result, can focus my energies on career, relationships, success, and quality of life.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Back to Myself
I have had a much better week.... coming back from vacation, I was able to get back into the swing of my job, turn in a grant, and reconnect with colleagues. I must say that despite my perceived slump of my dating / personal life, I feel extremely fortunate to be so passionate about my career. When I speak to new people I meet about my research and teaching experiences, I light up. This is truly a good sign, compared to prior experiences when asked about my research analyst job, I was much less animated.
I'm not quite sure why my levels of hope are elevated now compared to last week... perhaps because I have begun to correspond with a handsome and intelligent guy on okcupid.com, or maybe because I finally have my energy back after a crazy busy 4 weeks of lecture prep, grants, and vacation; or maybe because I have decided it's OK to take small doses of my medications again... These combined together has led to a good recovery.... and even better, has led to sense of hope again, which I perceived as being completely lost just about 4 days ago.
I sit here with my morning coffee, and my plans for the day, and have no qualms or complaints. Not a bad way to begin my weekend: in peace, solitude, and a sense of hope.
I'm not quite sure why my levels of hope are elevated now compared to last week... perhaps because I have begun to correspond with a handsome and intelligent guy on okcupid.com, or maybe because I finally have my energy back after a crazy busy 4 weeks of lecture prep, grants, and vacation; or maybe because I have decided it's OK to take small doses of my medications again... These combined together has led to a good recovery.... and even better, has led to sense of hope again, which I perceived as being completely lost just about 4 days ago.
I sit here with my morning coffee, and my plans for the day, and have no qualms or complaints. Not a bad way to begin my weekend: in peace, solitude, and a sense of hope.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Back to Working Through Problems
fuck i feel like an exhauhsted, worn out idiot with no control over my emotions. Fuck. what am I doing and how did i get into this state of mind? I honestly do not know. my mind is completely overwhelmed and fried right now, to the point where I cannot even chill out.... it's like a permanent headache.... which is overstimulated with worries, fantasies, anxieties, and overindulgence. fuck. fuck. fuck. i'm isolated, worn out, alone, no energy, no control, just in a state of disarray and confusion with how and why i got into this depression episode. how did it build up to this? what happened? how could I have prevented this? how do i get out of this funk and know that happiness is still around the coirner? first, i found out that the guy i had a crush on is married, so at least i can put him out of my head. but i'm worried about how such small things are blown out of proportion. was it a combination of exhaustion from work, leading into a stressful first part of the trip, and finally when i get to a point of relaxing, i get depressed instead? if i were on my meds would none of this have happened? '
right now, i feel like i'm screaming for attention, love, intimacy, that all these sirens are going off that I realize that I have to deal with these issues which are causing self-destructive behavior. would being on the meds prevent this self-descrutive cycle, which can be triggered by being really tired and exhausted? would the meds help prevent me from getting to that state of exhaustion? hence help me with boundaries? it seems like right now that my mind ramps up with no boundaries, and i just let myself wear out, upon which i crash. if i were on the meds again, maybe i would prevent the ramping up, which would again, prevent crashes. i don't know. i'm depressed that i have to go back on the meds again, b/c feels like i'm a bit defeated; that i can't do this on my own... but maybe this is a very important sign; that i had to go through all of this shit this weekend to realize that meds could prevent self-destruction, and help me get through what seems to be impossible hopeless situations,, when maybe that is just a perception that is exaggerated by the chemical imbalance.
i cannot afford to have these setbacks in academia, b/c my productivity relies upon my sound mental health. if i don't snap out of this by Tuesday, when I need to pretty much finish my grant... i'm gonna have some serious problems. i honestly had a couple of anxiety attacks and crying spells that i haven't had in months. i need to work on this again.. in a serious way .
right now, i feel like i'm screaming for attention, love, intimacy, that all these sirens are going off that I realize that I have to deal with these issues which are causing self-destructive behavior. would being on the meds prevent this self-descrutive cycle, which can be triggered by being really tired and exhausted? would the meds help prevent me from getting to that state of exhaustion? hence help me with boundaries? it seems like right now that my mind ramps up with no boundaries, and i just let myself wear out, upon which i crash. if i were on the meds again, maybe i would prevent the ramping up, which would again, prevent crashes. i don't know. i'm depressed that i have to go back on the meds again, b/c feels like i'm a bit defeated; that i can't do this on my own... but maybe this is a very important sign; that i had to go through all of this shit this weekend to realize that meds could prevent self-destruction, and help me get through what seems to be impossible hopeless situations,, when maybe that is just a perception that is exaggerated by the chemical imbalance.
i cannot afford to have these setbacks in academia, b/c my productivity relies upon my sound mental health. if i don't snap out of this by Tuesday, when I need to pretty much finish my grant... i'm gonna have some serious problems. i honestly had a couple of anxiety attacks and crying spells that i haven't had in months. i need to work on this again.. in a serious way .
Evasion
Cannot find that peaceful spot,
A yearning for something deeper creates a sorrow
Sorrow, not tears.
But sorrow and contemplation
A feeling of disallusionment
Squelched only by returning back,
After retreat, back to urbane normalcy.
Fantasies floating before me
Yet not realized
How to build a fruitful reality
The foundation of hope
Evades me
A yearning for something deeper creates a sorrow
Sorrow, not tears.
But sorrow and contemplation
A feeling of disallusionment
Squelched only by returning back,
After retreat, back to urbane normalcy.
Fantasies floating before me
Yet not realized
How to build a fruitful reality
The foundation of hope
Evades me
Re-visiting Emotional Turbulence
My emotional states as of late have been turbulent and unpredictable, begun by self-imposed fantasies or over-reacted rejections, that through a seemingly false hope, a melancholic mood sets in, without avail. Of course, when this happens during a vacation, when I am supposed to be enjoying myself, it is of the utmost frustration, because I begin thinking about 1) whether these 'mood streams' constantly exist, and I am just covering them up with being busy with my job; 2) whether I need start taking my anti-depressants again ;3) wondering how I can soothe my mind during these times of solitude so as to not drive myself insane about my predicaments of being a single gay man seemingly facing obstacles after obstacles in trying to meet quality men with whom I feel comfortable.
Which leads me to speak of my own ideal man.... somebody who would enjoy taking adventures to Maine, or Seattle, somebody who would feel comfortable raising a family together; somebody who values family; who wants to build a life together; feel connected to life in a very real way.
Perhaps some of the pain I am feeling now is a result of my searching for that deep peace and foundation, which I find it difficult to find as a single man, especially as an extrovert who needs energy. The very real Adonis moments of this past weekend speak to my own truths through these momentary tastes or brushes with fantasies taking place within real time.. It is good because these incidents force me to be acutely aware of sexuality, a confirmation as well as an affirmation. But, at the same time, these incidents remind me how distant I feel currently from the reality I am trying to create, and the uncertainty of when my life will unfold into a more fulfilling existence.
I look around during my reunion this weekend, and notice a sense of peace and serenity of the faces of many. I also notice a sense of joy on my own face, a joy noticed and recognized and acknowledged by others. But simultaneously, I feel the juxtaposition of melancholic restlessness and subtle sorrow, which are not strong enough to lead to tears, but are not weak enough to be sloughed off with the brush of a hand. It leads me to tough position, wondering how can I maintain my mental health with both these co-existing emotions, emotions supposedly caused by my inability to find peace and contentment within my own solitude?
I cannot shake this sometimes, and I wonder why my spirit is so acutely affected by triggers..... and saddens me to think that I need to go back to medications to assist my mental health balance. Although I do enjoy my emotional highs, my mid-ranges and lows leave a lot to be desired, and also leave me exhausted.
I am not sure what to do. One foot in front of the other.... continuing.... down this path..
Which leads me to speak of my own ideal man.... somebody who would enjoy taking adventures to Maine, or Seattle, somebody who would feel comfortable raising a family together; somebody who values family; who wants to build a life together; feel connected to life in a very real way.
Perhaps some of the pain I am feeling now is a result of my searching for that deep peace and foundation, which I find it difficult to find as a single man, especially as an extrovert who needs energy. The very real Adonis moments of this past weekend speak to my own truths through these momentary tastes or brushes with fantasies taking place within real time.. It is good because these incidents force me to be acutely aware of sexuality, a confirmation as well as an affirmation. But, at the same time, these incidents remind me how distant I feel currently from the reality I am trying to create, and the uncertainty of when my life will unfold into a more fulfilling existence.
I look around during my reunion this weekend, and notice a sense of peace and serenity of the faces of many. I also notice a sense of joy on my own face, a joy noticed and recognized and acknowledged by others. But simultaneously, I feel the juxtaposition of melancholic restlessness and subtle sorrow, which are not strong enough to lead to tears, but are not weak enough to be sloughed off with the brush of a hand. It leads me to tough position, wondering how can I maintain my mental health with both these co-existing emotions, emotions supposedly caused by my inability to find peace and contentment within my own solitude?
I cannot shake this sometimes, and I wonder why my spirit is so acutely affected by triggers..... and saddens me to think that I need to go back to medications to assist my mental health balance. Although I do enjoy my emotional highs, my mid-ranges and lows leave a lot to be desired, and also leave me exhausted.
I am not sure what to do. One foot in front of the other.... continuing.... down this path..
Distractions from Adonis
My mancrush anecdotes are starting to sound more and more like those I read in biographies by gay writers, speaking of their fantasies and experiences during their early coming out years. I'm conflicted as to whether I should be frustrated or rejoicing that I have these mancrush moments that seem to set me off, then crash me within the length of a day, or more, if I don't watch myself.
My latest incident begins on a ship off the coast of Maine,. a beautiful 25-year old with long black hair, sporting the surfer dude look, with a fantastic smile and wonderful, warm, and welcoming personality. I can't help but check him out as I'm mingling amongst others on the boat. He notices my looking at him a few times, and shoots a smile back to me several times, and I shyly look away.... but finally get close enough to him to introduce myself (again) and strike up a conversation. I can't help it. I think this guy is just so hot, I can't help but try to become his friend. During the van ride to our final destination, we sit next to eachother and I get to feel his torso against my shoulder, and we get to talk about a few things, my career; his career; his family; and the eye contact, with body contact was enough to make my heart race. I knew that I was getting myself into trouble, simply setting myself up for another crash, thinking about this guy, attracted in a huge way, only having known him for 10 minutes.
I think about 1 song that capture this moments. The song, by Eddie From Ohio, lyrics talk about a guy at a stoplight that looks over and sees a gorgeous woman in the car next to him; upon which he starts cooking up a fantasy life of them together, moving in, getting married, having kids... within the course of 10 minutes glancing at her from his car.
The second series of moments or interactions with my dream guy were not as hopeful, and hence, led to a crash. According to my 'stoplight fantasy' we were going to be sitting next to eachother drinking some beers around the campfire, and having more deep conversations, which would lead to deeper connections. In the real world, it played out much differently, with not even any small talk, and my awkwardness to even approach him before we departed ways. And, his departure from the dinner party with a woman was pretty much a big blow to my entire 'stoplight fantasy'.
This second series of moments reminds me of a movie that was just so striking and moving that I still remember it to this day. A married man, about my age, was on vacation with his wife and other families, during which he met the beautiful son of a friend of his, who happens to be a model. He was smokin' hot and unbelievably good looking. The married man, who had met this son years before, and perhaps had a crush on him then, is suddenly enamored with this beautiful 20-something Adonis, and he becomes so obssessed with him, that he hangs out with him alone on the beach whenever he could get away from his wife and friends. His fantasies about making love this this model were intense, intense enough to drive him to depressions and sadness when he thought he was not in reach. He would always look for the Adonis, during parties, and such, and he just ached for him, but could not have him. This acheing led to him drowning his sorry in alcohol and masterbation, to try to get this very real attraction out of his system....
One of the most intense moments was when the model was alone on the beach one night, under the full moon, taking a dip..... and the married man stumbles upon him, and they have a moment of locking eyes, and glancing at eachother's bodies, the moment was so beautifullly portrayed, I could feel the emotions in my own gut, the attractions, the empathy. The last scene of the movie, the man ends up sleeping with the Adonis, in a scene that was so unbelievably romantic, scandalous, and steamy, it just gripped me.....
So, being the hopeless romantic that I am, caught between fantasy and reality, this brief meeting of this guy this past weekend led to a whirlwind of privately held fantasies and emotions that swept me up into hope, then crashed me by the rocks. A seemingly ridiculous set of emotions that are on the one hand, self-imposed, but on the other, very difficult to rid myself of during these moments of up and down emotion.
The only thing I can do about these moments of seemingly endless wandering, pondering, and heart ache are to immerse myself into music and writing; or construct a distraction such as work, or dinners with friends, or interaction with strangers at dinner party.
My latest incident begins on a ship off the coast of Maine,. a beautiful 25-year old with long black hair, sporting the surfer dude look, with a fantastic smile and wonderful, warm, and welcoming personality. I can't help but check him out as I'm mingling amongst others on the boat. He notices my looking at him a few times, and shoots a smile back to me several times, and I shyly look away.... but finally get close enough to him to introduce myself (again) and strike up a conversation. I can't help it. I think this guy is just so hot, I can't help but try to become his friend. During the van ride to our final destination, we sit next to eachother and I get to feel his torso against my shoulder, and we get to talk about a few things, my career; his career; his family; and the eye contact, with body contact was enough to make my heart race. I knew that I was getting myself into trouble, simply setting myself up for another crash, thinking about this guy, attracted in a huge way, only having known him for 10 minutes.
I think about 1 song that capture this moments. The song, by Eddie From Ohio, lyrics talk about a guy at a stoplight that looks over and sees a gorgeous woman in the car next to him; upon which he starts cooking up a fantasy life of them together, moving in, getting married, having kids... within the course of 10 minutes glancing at her from his car.
The second series of moments or interactions with my dream guy were not as hopeful, and hence, led to a crash. According to my 'stoplight fantasy' we were going to be sitting next to eachother drinking some beers around the campfire, and having more deep conversations, which would lead to deeper connections. In the real world, it played out much differently, with not even any small talk, and my awkwardness to even approach him before we departed ways. And, his departure from the dinner party with a woman was pretty much a big blow to my entire 'stoplight fantasy'.
This second series of moments reminds me of a movie that was just so striking and moving that I still remember it to this day. A married man, about my age, was on vacation with his wife and other families, during which he met the beautiful son of a friend of his, who happens to be a model. He was smokin' hot and unbelievably good looking. The married man, who had met this son years before, and perhaps had a crush on him then, is suddenly enamored with this beautiful 20-something Adonis, and he becomes so obssessed with him, that he hangs out with him alone on the beach whenever he could get away from his wife and friends. His fantasies about making love this this model were intense, intense enough to drive him to depressions and sadness when he thought he was not in reach. He would always look for the Adonis, during parties, and such, and he just ached for him, but could not have him. This acheing led to him drowning his sorry in alcohol and masterbation, to try to get this very real attraction out of his system....
One of the most intense moments was when the model was alone on the beach one night, under the full moon, taking a dip..... and the married man stumbles upon him, and they have a moment of locking eyes, and glancing at eachother's bodies, the moment was so beautifullly portrayed, I could feel the emotions in my own gut, the attractions, the empathy. The last scene of the movie, the man ends up sleeping with the Adonis, in a scene that was so unbelievably romantic, scandalous, and steamy, it just gripped me.....
So, being the hopeless romantic that I am, caught between fantasy and reality, this brief meeting of this guy this past weekend led to a whirlwind of privately held fantasies and emotions that swept me up into hope, then crashed me by the rocks. A seemingly ridiculous set of emotions that are on the one hand, self-imposed, but on the other, very difficult to rid myself of during these moments of up and down emotion.
The only thing I can do about these moments of seemingly endless wandering, pondering, and heart ache are to immerse myself into music and writing; or construct a distraction such as work, or dinners with friends, or interaction with strangers at dinner party.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Random Skybar: WTF?
I feel like I am in 'no man's land' with no instruction book. What gives? My first earnest attempt to get myself out there into the gay scene consequently ends up with my leaving the gay bar with a *girl* to go out for drinks and appetizers. Needless to say, nothing happened (well..... actually... just some innocent kissing and boob touching), except for a rip roaring headache this morning spinning with confusion and frustration saying 'WTF?'
The evening's events most likely transpired in this way because a) I felt much more comfortable hanging out with this girl compared to the other guys at the gay bar; b) I was a little buzzed; c) the girl liked me; d) I half-thought that maybe I would be attracted to her. Parts C and D were the clinchers, I believe. The first problem was she liked me, and was only somewhat convinced I was gay. The second problem was I liked her on at least a platonic level, and I wanted to think I was attracted to her, especially if she had doubts that I was gay. Perfect combination for an awkward evening of drinks and appetizers at the swankiest bar in town: Hyatt Skybar.
The first stop of the evening was her apartment, so she could change into her little black dress. Since I'm gay, of course, she invites me into her room as she proceeds to bare it all. Bummer that I wasn't horny for her.... really a bummer... because I was rationalizing out loud with her on the car ride to her apartment that I perhaps was not gay. In hindsight, it was a totally absurd conversation. Why am I speaking with a complete stranger about my sexual orientation?
Since we did not end up having sex, in this situation in which many other straight guys most likely would have done, I felt a bit of disappointment in air between us, which led to some awkwardness. I felt a bit depressed that I couldn't do more for her, and I couldn't tell if she was disappointed in me for that very thing. Nonetheless, we ended up going on this 'date' to the Skybar, and upon arriving, she bumps into the guy she hooked up with the night before.
Awkward, funny, and random.
WTF was I doing at Skybar with a girl who just got naked in front of me 15 minutes prior to that? I half-wanted to just go home, because I felt she was trying to lead me on despite my insistence on being gay. It was a very weird experience. I wish I could say it was 'hot, spontaneous, and fun', but I guess because I'm gay, it was 'weird, random, and fun, with a little awkwardness mixed in.
The evening's events most likely transpired in this way because a) I felt much more comfortable hanging out with this girl compared to the other guys at the gay bar; b) I was a little buzzed; c) the girl liked me; d) I half-thought that maybe I would be attracted to her. Parts C and D were the clinchers, I believe. The first problem was she liked me, and was only somewhat convinced I was gay. The second problem was I liked her on at least a platonic level, and I wanted to think I was attracted to her, especially if she had doubts that I was gay. Perfect combination for an awkward evening of drinks and appetizers at the swankiest bar in town: Hyatt Skybar.
The first stop of the evening was her apartment, so she could change into her little black dress. Since I'm gay, of course, she invites me into her room as she proceeds to bare it all. Bummer that I wasn't horny for her.... really a bummer... because I was rationalizing out loud with her on the car ride to her apartment that I perhaps was not gay. In hindsight, it was a totally absurd conversation. Why am I speaking with a complete stranger about my sexual orientation?
Since we did not end up having sex, in this situation in which many other straight guys most likely would have done, I felt a bit of disappointment in air between us, which led to some awkwardness. I felt a bit depressed that I couldn't do more for her, and I couldn't tell if she was disappointed in me for that very thing. Nonetheless, we ended up going on this 'date' to the Skybar, and upon arriving, she bumps into the guy she hooked up with the night before.
Awkward, funny, and random.
WTF was I doing at Skybar with a girl who just got naked in front of me 15 minutes prior to that? I half-wanted to just go home, because I felt she was trying to lead me on despite my insistence on being gay. It was a very weird experience. I wish I could say it was 'hot, spontaneous, and fun', but I guess because I'm gay, it was 'weird, random, and fun, with a little awkwardness mixed in.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Getting Out of the Slump
The difference in my attitudes, levels of hope, and happiness are like night and day when comparing, say, my nights and days :) Last night, for example.... after a full day of good productive writing, I come home to relax, and start into my self-sabotage of craigslist hunting (although thank god no hookups), and jumping into the black hole of self-doubt and hopelessness to which I turn to sex as a temporary medicine. Not good.
Fuck. Who am I, and why do I do this to myself? It's like I have two different selves competing with one another during my moments of darkness, doubt, and exhaustion: the one who is hopeful for his future as a gay man, and the one who is doubtful and fearful for his future of a gay man. I feel like my spirit is downtrodden as I see other folks on Facebook with their happy faces, their kids, their fun lives moving forward. Then, during my emotional slumps, I start to think of the negative thoughts again, and it's all down hill from there.
The main issues here come down to: meeting people. But I also realize that I may be sabotaging myself by not partaking in the events right in front of my face. First, I live in a city that is full of music venues. Second, I have all the free time in the world to partake in my hobbies. So, why do I end up being a complete loser on some nights? Third, I have so many friends (at least in the straight world) that I don't understand why I am so fucking worried about my social life. I do not know. I think it's more about 'building a future' with somebody. I am on quite a hopeful roll right now with regards to building a future with my 'career', but not so much any plans for the relationship side, which depresses me and pisses me off, and makes me get all depressed about my situation again.
I'm pretty good at repressing these issues..... by burying myself in work, and hobbies. Which, is a good thing, partly, but it sucks having that other part of me feeling empty and needy. And, I think I'm not the only gay man out there feeling that way, and compared to others, I think I have my wits about me, with a good head on my shoulders.. but Shit.... to find a date, for God's sake.. or to find a venue where I'm at least meeting other like minded guys who can hang out regularly (i.e: just call them up and say 'want to grab a beer') is something I seriously want.... but WTF?!?
I guess the equivalent for a heterosexual male is to just hang out with the guys (as friends), and he can feel connected, at least if not in a committed relationship. Does that mean the equivalent for a gay male is to just hang out with the girls (as friends)?
I theorize as follows: when a heterosexual guy hangs out with a heterosexual girl (as just a friend), sometimes sexual tension or expectations may be ambiguous, at least if they are not super close. Similarly, when a homosexual guy hangs out with another homosexual guy (as just a friend), you don't necessarily know the nature of the relationship unless you *talk* about it, which is difficult for guys. It would be much easier if you know upfront the structure and expectations, which I guess is what a 'dating' is about.
So, as I realize the dead ends of online dating, and even potentially volunteering in the gay community, these are some of the things I really AM going to start doing upon return from my vacation. I need to realize that meeting new people can come from a variety of venues, not just GAY ones.
Gay and Non-Gay List of activities:
1) Catholic group events
2) Live music events (Jazz downtown; university groups and concerts)
3) My own party (in process... but maybe a gay party too?)
4) Start a dining group for male gay professionals (LOL.. sounds like a bunch of strippers)
5) Get in touch with friends who are in theater.
6) Commit to going on hiking and day trips during weekends that I'm not working
7) Get in touch with my other friends on are 'on deck' if you will for hanging out next.
8) Volunteer again for a different venue, but not on a committee.. more for 1 time volunteering, etc.
9) Continue habitat for humanity.
10) showing up at gay bars by myself? (or finding some friends I know, to organize a hang out group to go out?)
It's sad that I actually have to make a list of possibilities.. I mean, fuck, so much for being spontaneous,, but really, this feels kind of like a 'project'... getting actively involved in the community like this to find other guys who I could potentially meet. It's like an underground world out there, which requires taking initiative and not just sitting around on my ass, feeling sorry for myself, and waiting for something to happen.
I do realize that I have tried things before that did not work out (i.e: Craigslist, online dating, gay cowboy dancing, committee work for large gay events) and did work out (gay Catholic group, meeting some random friends on CL or match.com, and going on a date or two); the latter of which were mostly for meeting friends.
The question becomes: to what extent to I keep playing the game, without putting so much into it that I get emotionally exhausted or hurt? I mean, one stupid thing is that you can only contact so many folks on on on-line dating venue and get rejected so many times before you start thinking something is wrong with YOU. I mean, fuck, I have chased off and on the same couple of people on different dating sites, only to get a non-committal responses, but will only contact them AGAIN later just because I think they're cute, and not get the fucking clue that they don't want anything to do with me. I mean, part of me thinks.. why did they contact me back in the first place if they aren't interested? Fuck, it's better just to ignore the person than to lead them on into endless emails that lead nowhere.
Yes, I have some bitterness still... and I fear that if I don't do something more creative and 'ballsy' to meet folks, that the bitterness (which I am SO good at REPRESSING) will start eroding my hope to the point where I become one of those bitter 40-something gay dudes who just have nothing good to say about dating and being in a committed relationship.
At least, though, through all of this: at least I am not depressed about the fact that I AM gay, I'm just depressed about the CIRCUMSTANCES , and all the extra baggage that comes along with BEING gay.
My God. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to repress my bitterness and keep moving forward?
Well, let me get back to my 'other' self, who is more hopeful, into hobbies, and music,,, so I can get on with my beautiful day.
Until next time...
Fuck. Who am I, and why do I do this to myself? It's like I have two different selves competing with one another during my moments of darkness, doubt, and exhaustion: the one who is hopeful for his future as a gay man, and the one who is doubtful and fearful for his future of a gay man. I feel like my spirit is downtrodden as I see other folks on Facebook with their happy faces, their kids, their fun lives moving forward. Then, during my emotional slumps, I start to think of the negative thoughts again, and it's all down hill from there.
The main issues here come down to: meeting people. But I also realize that I may be sabotaging myself by not partaking in the events right in front of my face. First, I live in a city that is full of music venues. Second, I have all the free time in the world to partake in my hobbies. So, why do I end up being a complete loser on some nights? Third, I have so many friends (at least in the straight world) that I don't understand why I am so fucking worried about my social life. I do not know. I think it's more about 'building a future' with somebody. I am on quite a hopeful roll right now with regards to building a future with my 'career', but not so much any plans for the relationship side, which depresses me and pisses me off, and makes me get all depressed about my situation again.
I'm pretty good at repressing these issues..... by burying myself in work, and hobbies. Which, is a good thing, partly, but it sucks having that other part of me feeling empty and needy. And, I think I'm not the only gay man out there feeling that way, and compared to others, I think I have my wits about me, with a good head on my shoulders.. but Shit.... to find a date, for God's sake.. or to find a venue where I'm at least meeting other like minded guys who can hang out regularly (i.e: just call them up and say 'want to grab a beer') is something I seriously want.... but WTF?!?
I guess the equivalent for a heterosexual male is to just hang out with the guys (as friends), and he can feel connected, at least if not in a committed relationship. Does that mean the equivalent for a gay male is to just hang out with the girls (as friends)?
I theorize as follows: when a heterosexual guy hangs out with a heterosexual girl (as just a friend), sometimes sexual tension or expectations may be ambiguous, at least if they are not super close. Similarly, when a homosexual guy hangs out with another homosexual guy (as just a friend), you don't necessarily know the nature of the relationship unless you *talk* about it, which is difficult for guys. It would be much easier if you know upfront the structure and expectations, which I guess is what a 'dating' is about.
So, as I realize the dead ends of online dating, and even potentially volunteering in the gay community, these are some of the things I really AM going to start doing upon return from my vacation. I need to realize that meeting new people can come from a variety of venues, not just GAY ones.
Gay and Non-Gay List of activities:
1) Catholic group events
2) Live music events (Jazz downtown; university groups and concerts)
3) My own party (in process... but maybe a gay party too?)
4) Start a dining group for male gay professionals (LOL.. sounds like a bunch of strippers)
5) Get in touch with friends who are in theater.
6) Commit to going on hiking and day trips during weekends that I'm not working
7) Get in touch with my other friends on are 'on deck' if you will for hanging out next.
8) Volunteer again for a different venue, but not on a committee.. more for 1 time volunteering, etc.
9) Continue habitat for humanity.
10) showing up at gay bars by myself? (or finding some friends I know, to organize a hang out group to go out?)
It's sad that I actually have to make a list of possibilities.. I mean, fuck, so much for being spontaneous,, but really, this feels kind of like a 'project'... getting actively involved in the community like this to find other guys who I could potentially meet. It's like an underground world out there, which requires taking initiative and not just sitting around on my ass, feeling sorry for myself, and waiting for something to happen.
I do realize that I have tried things before that did not work out (i.e: Craigslist, online dating, gay cowboy dancing, committee work for large gay events) and did work out (gay Catholic group, meeting some random friends on CL or match.com, and going on a date or two); the latter of which were mostly for meeting friends.
The question becomes: to what extent to I keep playing the game, without putting so much into it that I get emotionally exhausted or hurt? I mean, one stupid thing is that you can only contact so many folks on on on-line dating venue and get rejected so many times before you start thinking something is wrong with YOU. I mean, fuck, I have chased off and on the same couple of people on different dating sites, only to get a non-committal responses, but will only contact them AGAIN later just because I think they're cute, and not get the fucking clue that they don't want anything to do with me. I mean, part of me thinks.. why did they contact me back in the first place if they aren't interested? Fuck, it's better just to ignore the person than to lead them on into endless emails that lead nowhere.
Yes, I have some bitterness still... and I fear that if I don't do something more creative and 'ballsy' to meet folks, that the bitterness (which I am SO good at REPRESSING) will start eroding my hope to the point where I become one of those bitter 40-something gay dudes who just have nothing good to say about dating and being in a committed relationship.
At least, though, through all of this: at least I am not depressed about the fact that I AM gay, I'm just depressed about the CIRCUMSTANCES , and all the extra baggage that comes along with BEING gay.
My God. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to repress my bitterness and keep moving forward?
Well, let me get back to my 'other' self, who is more hopeful, into hobbies, and music,,, so I can get on with my beautiful day.
Until next time...
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Getting Tired of This Shit
I just don't get it.. Sometimes I feel like I missed the fucking gay memo on where all the action is; how are people meeting each other? I'm giving the fuck up. But I don't want to give up, because I want to be loved, and give love. I hate this. All the cliches about 'oh you'll meet somebody', blah blah blah are total fucking bullshit in the gay world. How can the rest of my life feel so fulfilling, and this very important part, although sexuality is just a small part of my life... it does pervade into other parts.. I mean, I know that i have other parts of me that make up my personality and hobbies, and spirit.. but it's the sexuality component that leads to the relationships, the families, the feeling connected to somebody in a very special way. and THAT is what I fear I don't know how to find, if I'm going about it right, if there even is a WAY to go about it, and how the fuck to stop worrying about it if there is indeed nothing I can do about it.. ... So, i can go for an entire 10 days or so, and not be horny, think about sex, or think about that other neglected side of me. Then, when I get tired after a long day, it's ALL I can think about. What is it about this struggle that drives me so crazy? Honestly, I have absolutely no control over this situation. except I could go to bars. by myself. and not give a shit. that takes some serious BALLS. So, I guess I haven' tried EVERYTHING, but I have just tried everything within my comfort zone. I really start to get envious when I see other gay guys out there, who may have 1/2 as much to offer as I do, in terms of compassion, smarts, and good looks.. and they are the ones in the relationship. Why the fuck is this so hard, and why can't I get a date? Find guys? Find friends to go to bars with, at least? I am TIRED of feeling ISOLATED.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Navigation Checkpoint
Honestly, at this point, it is much easier to just blow off dating and not even worry about meeting somebody. The pulling up of the dating sites, the surfing, and constant hope being drowned out by no responses just creates a hopelessness that I would rather not even think about, because the other parts of my life, thank goodness, bring forth so much peace and enjoyment. If I didn't have an interesting career or be surrounded by good pals, or was not immersing myself into interesting hobbies, things would be pretty much a drag.
But, at the same time,, that is sad, is that if I DO think about the hopeless dating situation, it DOES drag me down and get me depressed. It's like I start playing those question scenarios in my head, wondering if I'm doing everything possible to get a date, if it's me, and not the other person, if I've tried everything in the book, if I need to control things more, or just let things go. And if I let things go, will things happen, just like they do in the hetero world? Am I putting myself into the correct situations to meet somebody, and if not, how do I do it?
That in fact is the million dollar question: Am I putting myself in the right settings/situations in order to meet another guy? If not, what do I need to do to change things? The online venues are not working at all, people don't even write back.. which is an abysmal sign that most dudes online are just apathetic, picky, desperate, assholes, or a combination of all of these.
I've tried, and did not work:
a) online dating sites (works once in a blue moon; not sure if I need to play the game better)
b) craigslist hookups (works for hookups, sometimes... even then, waste of time, risky, and stressful)
c) craigslist platonic dating (dodge-y)
d) tried to volunteer for an organization (young'ins 20's-30's, uncomfortable; also rude and not responsive; self-absorbed, stereotypical gays; depressing and annoying; homophobia creeps in)
e) showing up to gay line dancing (40's and 50's; more comfortable with women; guys are cliqueish; uncomfortable doing traditional dancing with guys)
I tried and made some good friends:
a) HOPE Catholic group (great group of guys....)
b) Friends of Dorothy (I still keep in touch with them)
c) AIDS walk
Have not tried, but want to do, not sure how..
a) go to more bars and events (but, get shy, don't want to go alone)
b) like: Missie B's, Hamburger Mary's, Bistro 303
Sunday, August 14, 2011
When 'Gay In Theory' meets "Gay In Practice'
When I read the book called "Boys Like Us", I can relate so much to these coming out stories that my own emotions from years ago become palpable as if I experienced these complex emotions just yesterday. Again, this is both a confirmation, as well as an affirmation of who I am, and as I grow into myself more and more, I feel a sense of relief compared to the discomfort, fear, and self-loathing experienced at the beginning of this coming out journey.
I'm surprised at how real the emotions become as I read these well-written coming out stories..... again, the emotions are so palpable.. that it reminds me of my first crushes on guys back in high school, college, and my early 20s, and how those crushes left me in a state of intense longing and desires, juxtaposed to an undercurrent of fear and uncertainty; telling myself that these homosexual feelings were simply a phase.. and then, the first guy I fell in love with..... ugh.... wow. I can still remember to this day those intense feelings of longing for somebody I could never have, secretly harboring these feelings until one day I could not take it any longer, and I told him. Fuck, I should have just come out of the closet then. I was so confused. Again, I repressed these feelings so far down, so willingly, that it took 10 years of bad relationships with women, and repressed man crushes to bring me to the reality of today: finally proclaiming my sexuality, with a sense of relief.
Reading those stories sparks a reliving of those raw feelings of innocent, boyhood crushes, which I wanted to badly to progress to physical touch, experimentation....Fuck, I wish I could just go back and act on those impulses, to have borne myself out a bit more back then to prevent such a delayed development of my sexuality.... It's crazy how FUCKING obvious it is. Who else but a gay man would have increased blood pressure and pulse while reading stories of boyhood crushes, stories which are evoking in me the same feelings experienced years ago as those feelings being retold on the page in front of my eyes. Unbelievable. So unbelievable that it becomes almost painful to read the pages, knowing what type of awkward feelings, or fears, will be expressed on the next page.
I see this as affirmation, which makes me OK with it... in contrast to last week, when I had a couple of days of questioning myself again...... hoping that at some point, this whole 'gay' thing will feel less like an 'issue', or a 'condition'. For now, it remains a bit like that, and I think that it will.... still... for a while... until I really do have a relationship, and 'gay in theory' becomes 'gay in practice'.
Palpable Leanings
Ya know, what I have been thinking lately, is that despite my bitching and moaning about being single, at least I know that I like dudes. Crap, I mean, I have been going for years with this repressed yearning, a yearning which at least now can be born free. Sometimes I find myself in that man-crush yearning mode when cruisin' on Facebook; seeing the fun times being had by others, most especially the younger college dudes off having adventures and travelling to other places and bonding. I miss that, I need that, and I need a man with whom to share that... I hope.... someday... I can find that. I hope, too, that I am barking up the right tree now (i.e: liking guys), because my dreams as of late have had the theme of doubt, uncertainty, and even disgust, about being gay. Although I do while around traditional family events with friends and friends of the family, I become even more acutely aware of how my life trajectory differs from those around me. I try not to judge these feelings. I try to just take mental notes, and move onward and upwards. But part of me still wonders... what would they really think if they knew? Someday I hope to show up to these functions with my pal, best friend, and partner... and pray for acceptance, love, and comfortable relations with friends and family. Time will tell. But in the meantime, I will be thankful for my man crush longings, which continue, thankfully, and remind me of my sexual leanings. I will try to be thankful, instead of loathing, of these very palpable feelings.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Get me the fuck out of this episode!!!
The hardest thing about my situation, is that I can't figure out whether I am doing something wrong, whether I'm going up the wrong tree, going about this incorrectly, or whether it's just something I need to suck up and deal with.........being gay, and trying to find dates........ just the whole scenario, and everything it entails... is enough to make me want to just throw my hands up and say 'FUCK IT'.
Here are the things I just don't fucking understand.. just a small list:
a) Why is it that I go and try to volunteer for a gay-related event, try it out, feel uncomfortable, gracefully exit diplomatically, and then get no fucking response?
b) Why is it that I am constantly obsessed with fantasy guys, and then don't look forward to when I actually DO have a date with somebody?
c) Why is it that I doubt my sexuality when I think about a relationship with a man who is not hot?
d) Why is it that I doubt my sexuality.... after all that I have been through, or all that I have put myself through?
e) Why is it that I feel like giving up?
f) Why is it that I don't have any fucking paths to even TRY exploring?
g) Why the FUCK am I so obsessed with why I'm obsessed and frustrated?
h) Why can't I just LET THIS GO and just LIVE my life?
i) Why are all the hot handsome gay having all the fun and I am not?
j) Why isn't anybody noticing me? How do I become noticed? Do I need to become noticed in order to survive this fucking game?
k) Why can guys be such rude ASSHOLES (not responding, not being courteous, having that fucking attitude)
l) How do I not become BITTER and HOPELESS about this?
m) Is it just me, or do other cities have much hotter guys who have much better luck?
n) Am I doomed to failure living in a town with a frustrating and fruitless gay scene?
o) How can I get out of this 'doom' cycle and concentrate on more important things?
p) How can I prevent these cycles and episodes from derailing my concentration, and fucking up my entire weekend because I get depressed even the MORE I think about it?
q) Am I kidding myself to think I don't need medications for depression and obsessive thoughts?
r) With medications, will my creativity levels go downward, and I won't be as productive or creative?
Here are the things I just don't fucking understand.. just a small list:
a) Why is it that I go and try to volunteer for a gay-related event, try it out, feel uncomfortable, gracefully exit diplomatically, and then get no fucking response?
b) Why is it that I am constantly obsessed with fantasy guys, and then don't look forward to when I actually DO have a date with somebody?
c) Why is it that I doubt my sexuality when I think about a relationship with a man who is not hot?
d) Why is it that I doubt my sexuality.... after all that I have been through, or all that I have put myself through?
e) Why is it that I feel like giving up?
f) Why is it that I don't have any fucking paths to even TRY exploring?
g) Why the FUCK am I so obsessed with why I'm obsessed and frustrated?
h) Why can't I just LET THIS GO and just LIVE my life?
i) Why are all the hot handsome gay having all the fun and I am not?
j) Why isn't anybody noticing me? How do I become noticed? Do I need to become noticed in order to survive this fucking game?
k) Why can guys be such rude ASSHOLES (not responding, not being courteous, having that fucking attitude)
l) How do I not become BITTER and HOPELESS about this?
m) Is it just me, or do other cities have much hotter guys who have much better luck?
n) Am I doomed to failure living in a town with a frustrating and fruitless gay scene?
o) How can I get out of this 'doom' cycle and concentrate on more important things?
p) How can I prevent these cycles and episodes from derailing my concentration, and fucking up my entire weekend because I get depressed even the MORE I think about it?
q) Am I kidding myself to think I don't need medications for depression and obsessive thoughts?
r) With medications, will my creativity levels go downward, and I won't be as productive or creative?
Thoughts and Solutions
Thoughts and Observations of About Myself:
1) I get into these states of mind when I am stressed out, overloaded, and exhausted, and trying to do to many things, and not allowing myself just to chill out, and not try to control every aspect of my life.
2) I need to remind myself that I'm not on medications anymore.. if I WERE on the medications, even just a small dose, perhaps these ups and downs would occur less frequently? Even so, I would lose my creative and productive edge at work, because when I am "ON", it feels good. It's almost like i'm exhibiting slight symptoms of manic/depression....... and when i'm in 'manic' I tend to surf for guys, and tend to do more risky things.. This is especially the case when I'm in my highs, or even my lows... and I need to really be aware of this so I don't get myself into deep shit.
3) When I am out of these states of mind, for example.. if I get some good exercise, or, cases in which I'm just so horny I need to whack off just to prevent myself from going crazy.... after those 'rushes', it's like I return to a 'baseline' level of not being so in a rush to get things done, or stressed out.
4) I tend to stack things on at work and impose all these deadlines, thinking I NEED to get them done, when in reality, I could re-prioritize, and think about the 'first things first', and try to let the other things go. This is the double-edged sword of being naturally self-motivated: being a self-starter is good, but it's hard when you need to learn how to balance and 'shut off', so as to not burn out.
5) I am considering perhaps, that going back onto a small dose of the medication may be a good thing for me? I'm not sure.. part of me is stubborn and just wants to do this on my own;monitor my behavior and create my boundaries. If I learn from myself, and make sure I get exercise, moderate my activities to make sure I don't get stressed out, etc.. I can probably be OK without relying on the meds as a crutch.
How This Manifests in my Behavior:
1) Thoughts of hooking up, obsessing about relationships, thinking too much about my 'situation' of being gay, single, and potentially 'confused' still........ can turn me into a total spiral if I'm not careful.
2) The exhaustion turns to worrying, bad habits, bad behaviors, if left unmonitored.
Solutions for the behavior:
1) Consider taking a little bit of medication during times that I am more stressed out, during deadlines, when i'm at higher 'risk' of being stressed or acting out in unhealthy manners.
2) Force time for 'regrouping' during fast, stressful times.. to make sure I'm not making any off the cuff, impulsive decisions, interactions, or communications that I would regret in the future.
Creative approaches for dating situation:
1) If I decide that I'm going to 'play the online dating game', maybe books have been published that review how to best be successful at this. Perhaps I do have to play the game to some extent... post better photos (professionally produced, perhaps); really think more about my profile text; perhaps pay that $40.00 for review of my profile.
2) Do not rely solely on one avenue for meeting guys... the online may be one, but also continue to network and go to events, even if it involves taking a 'risk' (i.e: putting myself out there). I could consider still going to bars, and fundraising events when opportunities present themselves; as well as continue my current events (volunteering, Catholic groups) that are non-gay related, at least to keep up the other (non-gay) dimensions of my life...
3) I could start an LBGT dining club that meets out once a month at various places... and people can provide input (voting) on where to go each month. This could be a low-maintance, expectation free way to meet folks, and i'm SURE there is a market for that.... specifically for gay guys.
1) I get into these states of mind when I am stressed out, overloaded, and exhausted, and trying to do to many things, and not allowing myself just to chill out, and not try to control every aspect of my life.
2) I need to remind myself that I'm not on medications anymore.. if I WERE on the medications, even just a small dose, perhaps these ups and downs would occur less frequently? Even so, I would lose my creative and productive edge at work, because when I am "ON", it feels good. It's almost like i'm exhibiting slight symptoms of manic/depression....... and when i'm in 'manic' I tend to surf for guys, and tend to do more risky things.. This is especially the case when I'm in my highs, or even my lows... and I need to really be aware of this so I don't get myself into deep shit.
3) When I am out of these states of mind, for example.. if I get some good exercise, or, cases in which I'm just so horny I need to whack off just to prevent myself from going crazy.... after those 'rushes', it's like I return to a 'baseline' level of not being so in a rush to get things done, or stressed out.
4) I tend to stack things on at work and impose all these deadlines, thinking I NEED to get them done, when in reality, I could re-prioritize, and think about the 'first things first', and try to let the other things go. This is the double-edged sword of being naturally self-motivated: being a self-starter is good, but it's hard when you need to learn how to balance and 'shut off', so as to not burn out.
5) I am considering perhaps, that going back onto a small dose of the medication may be a good thing for me? I'm not sure.. part of me is stubborn and just wants to do this on my own;monitor my behavior and create my boundaries. If I learn from myself, and make sure I get exercise, moderate my activities to make sure I don't get stressed out, etc.. I can probably be OK without relying on the meds as a crutch.
How This Manifests in my Behavior:
1) Thoughts of hooking up, obsessing about relationships, thinking too much about my 'situation' of being gay, single, and potentially 'confused' still........ can turn me into a total spiral if I'm not careful.
2) The exhaustion turns to worrying, bad habits, bad behaviors, if left unmonitored.
Solutions for the behavior:
1) Consider taking a little bit of medication during times that I am more stressed out, during deadlines, when i'm at higher 'risk' of being stressed or acting out in unhealthy manners.
2) Force time for 'regrouping' during fast, stressful times.. to make sure I'm not making any off the cuff, impulsive decisions, interactions, or communications that I would regret in the future.
Creative approaches for dating situation:
1) If I decide that I'm going to 'play the online dating game', maybe books have been published that review how to best be successful at this. Perhaps I do have to play the game to some extent... post better photos (professionally produced, perhaps); really think more about my profile text; perhaps pay that $40.00 for review of my profile.
2) Do not rely solely on one avenue for meeting guys... the online may be one, but also continue to network and go to events, even if it involves taking a 'risk' (i.e: putting myself out there). I could consider still going to bars, and fundraising events when opportunities present themselves; as well as continue my current events (volunteering, Catholic groups) that are non-gay related, at least to keep up the other (non-gay) dimensions of my life...
3) I could start an LBGT dining club that meets out once a month at various places... and people can provide input (voting) on where to go each month. This could be a low-maintance, expectation free way to meet folks, and i'm SURE there is a market for that.... specifically for gay guys.
What is a gay man to do?
in a circular obsessive pointless funk leading me nowhere. How do I get into these? I get obsessed with wanting to find a hot guy, a hot date, just SOMEBODY to give me some HOPE that I'm going to end up SOLO through this crazy gay life. i don't know HOW to try to make it work, I don't know if i should STOP trying, where I should turn, how to give up, IF to give up. I am just fed up with ALL of it. What does a guy need to DO in this town to find a date? It's ridiculous that even HOOKING up doesn't work, so even if the latter outlet is totally FUCKED UP, it's not working anyhow.
So, in trying to look at this RATIONALLY, before just assuming that the gay dating scene in my town is DEAD to IMPOSSIBLE, I want to take a look at whether I truly have covered all my bases yet. First, Match.com profile searching. CHECK. Sending regular casual, genuine emails CHECK. Involving myself in gay-related activities around town, (SEMI-CHECK)... This venue I tried, but got frustrated and busy with work. Legitimate reasons to give it the ax. Going to bars. (SEMI-CHECK). I tried frequenting a gay bar focused on western two-step gay dancing, and met some fun people, but felt UNCOMFORTABLE, even after going a few times. just NOT my scene. Going to other random gay gars on my own (UNCHECK)... Haven't done this yet. Should I? This begs the question of whether I am sabatoging myself by not pushing my own boundaries. Going to STR8 venues and just living my life. CHECK. Am doing this too, because I just enjoy being around different people, but it is not getting me very far with respect to finding intimacy.
I have no place to go and nothing else I can do at this point to CONTROL my destiny, which is extremely frustrating..... to know guys are out there, that have a LOT to offer, but my means of putting myself out there are either LIMITED, or they are NOT working, which creates frustration, etc.. and not knowing where to turn AT ALL.
What other things could I do? Ask friends to set me up? Does that look desperate? Showing up at gay bars? Introducing myself to random people at gay-related events? Fuck, I don't know... Gay-related travel? Shit, I have no ideas. Maybe I just have to focus on my other stuff while I think more about this. Maybe my next thing would be to show up to some of my Catholic events (where I noticed some gay people were around); maybe introduce myself to the theater folks who know Tina, and just explain that I'm trying to network and break into new scenes. Maybe I should try being BOLD and BRAVE and just showing up to GAY bars.
Again, just looking at myself writing this, I appear desperate, which is another bad thing... because it ends up showing in my interactions, and is obviously a turn off.
What is a gay man to do in a town of perceivable deadends?
So, in trying to look at this RATIONALLY, before just assuming that the gay dating scene in my town is DEAD to IMPOSSIBLE, I want to take a look at whether I truly have covered all my bases yet. First, Match.com profile searching. CHECK. Sending regular casual, genuine emails CHECK. Involving myself in gay-related activities around town, (SEMI-CHECK)... This venue I tried, but got frustrated and busy with work. Legitimate reasons to give it the ax. Going to bars. (SEMI-CHECK). I tried frequenting a gay bar focused on western two-step gay dancing, and met some fun people, but felt UNCOMFORTABLE, even after going a few times. just NOT my scene. Going to other random gay gars on my own (UNCHECK)... Haven't done this yet. Should I? This begs the question of whether I am sabatoging myself by not pushing my own boundaries. Going to STR8 venues and just living my life. CHECK. Am doing this too, because I just enjoy being around different people, but it is not getting me very far with respect to finding intimacy.
I have no place to go and nothing else I can do at this point to CONTROL my destiny, which is extremely frustrating..... to know guys are out there, that have a LOT to offer, but my means of putting myself out there are either LIMITED, or they are NOT working, which creates frustration, etc.. and not knowing where to turn AT ALL.
What other things could I do? Ask friends to set me up? Does that look desperate? Showing up at gay bars? Introducing myself to random people at gay-related events? Fuck, I don't know... Gay-related travel? Shit, I have no ideas. Maybe I just have to focus on my other stuff while I think more about this. Maybe my next thing would be to show up to some of my Catholic events (where I noticed some gay people were around); maybe introduce myself to the theater folks who know Tina, and just explain that I'm trying to network and break into new scenes. Maybe I should try being BOLD and BRAVE and just showing up to GAY bars.
Again, just looking at myself writing this, I appear desperate, which is another bad thing... because it ends up showing in my interactions, and is obviously a turn off.
What is a gay man to do in a town of perceivable deadends?
Thursday, July 7, 2011
25 Things That Are Depressing Me
Let me count all the ways of why I'm in a shitty mood and feeling depressed lately. 1) side effects from antibiotic; 2) tired of going into the doctor every morning to have wound dressing changed; 3) feeling like I'm not being productive at work and summer is going too fast; 4) scared that I am somehow caught in my own insecurities about whether I'm getting to set in my ways and structured to be spontaneous, be content, and meet somebody new; 5) lonely; 6) not sure if I could be happier, but not sure if I'm necessarily unhappy; 7) sad about having distant relationship with a brother and not feeling inspired to do anything to change this; 8) feeling constrained for time in that I will not be able to take all the vacations in the fall that I would like 9) not taking my dog on enough walks; 10) pain in the ass weight watchers is taking too long to lose my last 10 pounds; 11) tired of not exercising; getting extremely edgy but worried about the wound on my back getting infected; 12) unfinished projects making me edgy; 13) edgy in general; a feeling of restlessness; 14) feeling like I want to plan fun things to get out of a funk, but get restless, tired, depressed even trying to plan those fun things, which makes me just want to sit on my ass; 15) feeling completely hopeless about finding a relationship 16) feeling scared and stupid that I have an addiction to CL, and that it is a sign that I'm lonely; 17) wonders why I feel lonely when in another way I am extremely content with my life; 18) how can these two exist together? 19) feeling like being 'gay' is a condition.... which comes with a shit load of baggage; 20) annoyed at the hot guys on match.com who don't even write back; 21) depressed that fantasies are never realities; 22) annoyed that when I'm tired, I can't complete my to-do list; 23) annoyed that I can't just let go and rest, and not worry about things so much; 24) wondering if it's better to be on citalopram to prevent this worrying; 25) thinking that integrated regular exercise into my life again soon will be a good thing.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Feels So Scandalous, But Feels So Good
When I speak with a friend who does not know that I am gay, I am much more aware of what I say or what I do not say, in order to just be careful about my identity. I think to the other person, it probably just comes off as being private about my life, which is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I think it is a good thing to be private, which has not necessarily always been my 'policy'. In the past, for example, I may have told people too much about my emotions, my private life, who I was dating. Now, my current 'policy' is completely opposite: don't tell unless asked. I'm not sure how I feel about this new way of communicating. Although being private is not necessarily bad, it still feels dishonest if it causes me from holding back. Maybe I should quit overthinking this.
The second thing that has tuned me into this today is my new budding romance with a friend who lives across the country..... and how I most likely will not be telling a bunch of people about the friend I am visiting when I do go visit.. because it opens up a whole host of questions, and it almost feels scandalous. This is when it TOTALLY feels like living a double life..... I feel totally exhilarated about it, and excited, and really super happy, but the other part of me worries about what other people will think, like it's scandalous, and that i'm making incorrect decisions... So again, it's coming down to worry about what other people think about me.. Part of me, though, wants to shout to the world that I'm doing this, because it IS so scandalous, and I do feel SO liberated.. I mean, who flies half way across the country to meet a hot guy you've instantly become friends with by online texting and skyping? perhaps it is more common these days... I just cannot get enuf of this guy.
The second thing that has tuned me into this today is my new budding romance with a friend who lives across the country..... and how I most likely will not be telling a bunch of people about the friend I am visiting when I do go visit.. because it opens up a whole host of questions, and it almost feels scandalous. This is when it TOTALLY feels like living a double life..... I feel totally exhilarated about it, and excited, and really super happy, but the other part of me worries about what other people will think, like it's scandalous, and that i'm making incorrect decisions... So again, it's coming down to worry about what other people think about me.. Part of me, though, wants to shout to the world that I'm doing this, because it IS so scandalous, and I do feel SO liberated.. I mean, who flies half way across the country to meet a hot guy you've instantly become friends with by online texting and skyping? perhaps it is more common these days... I just cannot get enuf of this guy.
Pre-Emptive Strikes? If and When to Come Out to a Friend
A few more thoughts as I ponder gayness........ One of my insights hit me square in the eye today when I received a voicemail message from a friend of mine who wanted to call and chat. This is one of my friends who still does not know about my coming out, and I am conflicted about saying something. In a very real way, I feel myself hesitant in calling back because I fear the question about 'who am I dating', and then not being able to even keep a 'poker voice' if/when deciding to avoid the the truth. When does it become unfair to the other person to not reveal your truth? Will they feel saddened that it took this long to even tell them? Will that make them feel akward that they were the last to hear? Will they think that I'm less of a friend to them because it took me this long to wait to tell them? And.. do I even tell them? This issue goes along with the issue I spoke about a while back with my therapist, who challenged me to think about if I were missing out on a relationship because I was avoiding somebody, simply because I feared whether they would question who I was. It's more of an issue of feeling uncomfortable that they are *wondering*, and whether I should do a 'pre-emptive strike', so-to-speak, in order to save face. In one case, this did not work so well, during a conversation with a new friend where I had absolutely no transition into tell him about my coming out, and it created some discomfort, probably more so on my end compared to his end. Sometimes, erroneously, I see sharing intimate informaiton as an opporunity for growth in a friendship or relationship, and I probably should not 'use' this information about myself as an end in itself, just to try to become 'buddy buddy' with somebody. So, there are certain situations, I think, which are more conducive to sharing this information about one's sexuality, and it's certainly not just a rule of thumb. Unfortunately, I still feel a need to think about what the other person WILL think before opening my mouth, and if it's even going to gain me an ounce of comfort in the future of the friendship since bringing it up. Perhaps the 'don't tell unless asked' is the best policy, as opposed to the pre-emptive strike. I just don't want this fear, which I haven't felt in so long, to creep in and affect a friendship.. And I can tell... that my avoidance of calling this person back is a direct result of that fear, and I'm not sure what I should do about it.
What is More Gay Than Serving on a Halloween Committee?
Well, it's my morning to catch up on my personal spiritual writings.. Coming to you live on a rainy, dark Saturday morning with a hot cup of coffee and a hearty bowl of oatmeal, I have no deep insights. Despite this, I do have updates. I have a new 'friend' I am corresponding with over email, we met during a failed hookup attempt while I was on vacation in another city... instead of hooking up, we talked and sent emails to each other for hours on end, and got to know each other. We have been in touch ever since, texting each other 3 or 4 times a day; having Skype sessions, and sharing dreams of how we will in a few weeks be together for a long weekend vacation. This has been such a new development, such a novel and exciting experience, I haven't even had a chance to sit down and reflect about it. Several things, though, is that I do have a comparison from a previous 'online escapade' from which to draw, so that I can at least protect myself, emotionally, while seeing where this thing goes. Of course, since I have this major attraction to college dudes... he is in college. And since he has a major attraction to older guys (i.e: i'm not that old, only a young 36), it seems to work out for the best. I admit I'm totally obsessed with him, and always look forward to our next texts, and next Skype. A good sign, esp. compared to my first online friend, is that we are both up for meeting each other in a 'neutral' city, so to speak, for a few days. We've also briefly spoken about how we are going to 'see how things go' once we meet.. which, in my mind, translates into making sure we 'click' before even deciding if we want to date, or if we are even compatible. I think this is a healthy approach, and it sure beats my long distance pal in Canada who was not even willing to Skype me, let alone receive a phone call... So, I am making some progress. This new friend felt it was a good sign that I wanted to commit to a trip to visit him, and we are very excited.. especially about the things we have in common with respect to travelling, camping, etc. We have this energy that I can at least sense from our interactions thus far. Of course, I need to be aware that my own fantasies is most likely shaping what I perceive is taking place... A phenomenon which has occurred endless times during my online interactions, even when I have photos to figure out if I'm at least physically attracted. He told me that one of the big reasons he's attracted to me is because we can carry on intelligent conversations with one another, which in my book, is a huge plus. I have this fear, which is not unfounded, or irrational, that once we meet, and after we have our initial 'sex-capade', we may run out of things to talk about, and/or I will start sensing the age differential which could change my whole view of this situation. Age, in itself, to me is not the issue, it's the behavior and maturity that comes along with the age level that is important to figure out. I wonder if college dudes who are attracted to older guys have a 'daddy' issue, or whether they truly are at a different maturity in order to appreciate older guys. Fuck, I have no idea. I'm probably over-analyzing again.
So, I guess I could say that I am making progress on multiple fronts within my new 'gay' life :) My new friendships with some gay guys are starting to solidify and feel comfortable and meaningful; my networking in this city is leading me to group events that I would otherwise not have found out about without my obsessive online networking in this 'underground' gay society. In fact, I am volunteering to serve on the committee for the big Halloween fundraiser, LOL. God help me. It may be a hoot becoming involved with all of this. At least my cave-man outfit will be becoming on me, given I already have the body hair to boot :) Also, perhaps the gays will think I'm an impostor, given I have been told by a gay friend I could easily pass for straight..
All in all, I am having fun with this new life of mine. I am less anxious, and much more hopeful. I sense some adventures in the near future, and I'm intrigued with the idea of serving on a committee for a Halloween party. What is more gay than that? OMG. What a year this is going to be!!!
So, I guess I could say that I am making progress on multiple fronts within my new 'gay' life :) My new friendships with some gay guys are starting to solidify and feel comfortable and meaningful; my networking in this city is leading me to group events that I would otherwise not have found out about without my obsessive online networking in this 'underground' gay society. In fact, I am volunteering to serve on the committee for the big Halloween fundraiser, LOL. God help me. It may be a hoot becoming involved with all of this. At least my cave-man outfit will be becoming on me, given I already have the body hair to boot :) Also, perhaps the gays will think I'm an impostor, given I have been told by a gay friend I could easily pass for straight..
All in all, I am having fun with this new life of mine. I am less anxious, and much more hopeful. I sense some adventures in the near future, and I'm intrigued with the idea of serving on a committee for a Halloween party. What is more gay than that? OMG. What a year this is going to be!!!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Am I Limiting Myself?
I am trying to broaden my horizons to increase hope...... one of the best pieces of advice given to me thus far by my therapist is not to limit myself.... perhaps based upon pre-conceived notions, prejudice, and fear. It's quite a tall order, especially when trying to navigate through this world of dating, and figuring myself out. What brought me into this world of gayness was my attraction to guys, and what keeps me from finding dates, potentially, is my wanting to grab onto the fantasy, or the 'ideal'. In the process, all the eligible bachelors who I may be attracted to would go by the wayside. Of course, I am referring specifically to the online dating world....
One of the odd notions I got into my head the past 5 months is wanting to be with younger guys instead of older. I'm not sure where I got this from, but my therapist mentioned that I may be going after the wrong demographic, especially if I need stability,maturity, intellectual stimulation. Part of what is feeding into this is most likely my homophobia of 'old queens'... anybody over 40 being an effeminate overweight man with a raspy voice and a bitter attitude toward life. Fuck. It sounds funny, but these preconceived notions really do prevent me from increasing the upper limit of my age range when seeking online dates. Perhaps this is a problem.
So, I took a few chances and emailed some guys who seem somewhat attractive, and are actually older than me. Imagine that. Why I put these boundaries on myself is beyond me, but I guess I'm still just learning to deal with my fears, fantasies, and realities.
Cheers to new adventures.... and also, cheers to letting go of previous 'potential' adventures which are not coming to fruition. I should not try to push those.. I should let go, and move on to new horizons, as to not grow stagnant....
One of the odd notions I got into my head the past 5 months is wanting to be with younger guys instead of older. I'm not sure where I got this from, but my therapist mentioned that I may be going after the wrong demographic, especially if I need stability,maturity, intellectual stimulation. Part of what is feeding into this is most likely my homophobia of 'old queens'... anybody over 40 being an effeminate overweight man with a raspy voice and a bitter attitude toward life. Fuck. It sounds funny, but these preconceived notions really do prevent me from increasing the upper limit of my age range when seeking online dates. Perhaps this is a problem.
So, I took a few chances and emailed some guys who seem somewhat attractive, and are actually older than me. Imagine that. Why I put these boundaries on myself is beyond me, but I guess I'm still just learning to deal with my fears, fantasies, and realities.
Cheers to new adventures.... and also, cheers to letting go of previous 'potential' adventures which are not coming to fruition. I should not try to push those.. I should let go, and move on to new horizons, as to not grow stagnant....
The Man on the Plane
i don't know whether to be relieved or depressed when I meet a man to whom I am very physically attracted. one the one hand, i am relieved because it demonstrates again that I am gay. on the other hand, it depresses me because it reminds me how I am gay. It's a strange to have these feelings juxtposed together. I sat next to a man on the plane for 3 hours, and for lack of a better phrase, i wanted him. a young military guy who was built, friendly, and conversational. holy crap. it drove me nuts. It made me wonder how I would feel if I were in this situation 4 years ago while in the closet.Would closeted guys react, at least 'internally', in the same way to a guy, compared to a man who was fully out? Part of me thinks that being liberated from the closet can be exciting, because it allows me to have these feelings toward a man and not feel ashamed or disgusted. I most likely while in the closet would have still been attracted to him, but would have been stressed out about it instead of relieved or excited. So, I guess I'm glad I'm starting to feel more 'out', but it still doesn't make it any easier. Not sure if this ever will be easy. I just hope I can eventually find a partner with whom to share these feelings of uneasiness, love, and uncertainty, so I can at least feel more safe and hopeful.
Friday, May 27, 2011
The Attraction is Undeniable
After reading some good stories from the book "Boys Like Us", a collection of essays from gay writers telling their coming out stories, I realize that I have been conciously aware of my gayness for even longer than I had realized........ In all honesty, I think I came out for the first time in the spring of 1998 or 1999, when I had a massive crush on a male friend of mine, and I actually told him I did, which created so much turmoil and terror in myself (even more than him), that I ran into the closet even further, covered up my feelings, created walls and defense mechanisms... which lasted me through my first relationship with a woman, which started in 2001 and ended in 2003 partly as a result of the lack of physical intimacy, mostly on my part of not getting aroused by her. So, why didn't I just come out then? I do remember walking through the park one day, after having broken up with this woman, and whispering to myself 'Maybe I am gay'; and was quite relieved that I had gotten out of that relationship, but still did not want to admit to myself that I liked guys. I honestly thought it was a phase; and I was hoping and praying that being in a relationship with the right woman would eradicate all of these past emotions I had for a man.... emotions that were undeniably real.. so real that I once threw away all the photos of a trip I took with this friend in order that nobody... most importantly, my girlfriends, would not ask who that person was...... Those insecurities were so palpable... only as much as 4 years ago (1 year before coming out); that it was no wonder I ended up bursting at the seems once I failed once again to get aroused by my , yes, my 4th girlfriend over a 7 year time span. Wow. what was I thinking? what was I doing? Why couldn't I have come to grips with this years ago to avoid all the pain through which I went, as well as my ex-girlfriends? The fears of being a homosexual in a heterosexual world are strong enough to drive a man towards those strong psychological barriers and defenses.. which in a way... if not eventually 'dealt with' can lead to a lifetime of pain and suffering. So, I am glad that I finally have thrown open the closet door. Perhaps at age 24 I was not quite ready to open the closet. Clearly, I was not, since I dealt with my first homosexual feelings with such insecurity and fear. God, I was so attracted to that man. The fantasies I harbored were so palpable, so obvious.. as I think back. And, to be able to relate in such a deep way to a story written by a gay writer is yet more proof that my attraction to men is undeniable. To be able to relate in such a deep way to this story is in a way, liberating, especially knowing that all those feelings I had growing up and during college, others have had as well. It makes me feel less alienated, and makes the affirmation of my gayness even more real and genuine.. So for that, I am thankful.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Taking Stock; Plus Thoughts on Sex
I read somewhere in one of those 'life coach' books that it's a good habit to 'take stock' of your life every quarter or so. Being the obsessive systems guy, I decided to actually schedule this into my calendar so I force myself to take a step back and examine, objectively, where my life is headed and whether I am pleased with the path, and/or how I can change (or for that matter, NOT change) things. I guess I can start with my career, which is always easiest..... My career couldn't be any better... I really am starting to enjoy the rhythm of teaching, research, and writing... and even better, have figured out a method of balancing my life so that I have boundaries.. which keeps me balanced, mentally sound, as well as productive. It feels pretty darn good; and lots of hope abounds with upcoming project (which got funded), and an upcoming elective which I am designing, which is going well.
I'm learning both in the workplace and at home, that scheduling in time each day, or periodically, to get long-term projects completed.. is satisfying, especially when I can see the fruits of my labor pay off in good ways. So, I am starting to apply this to my own life as well... for example.. moving into my new house.... instead of immersing myself in renovation projects and unpacking boxes in a frenzy, I methodically place an hour or so aside each day to unpack.. knowing that it will eventually get done. It provides me with a much more methodical, meditative approach to life, and makes me feel productive, since I can go betweeen tasks more easily and not run out of energy.
So, my dating life. OY.... .. or lack thereof.. this is truly a struggle, and something that I just cannot figure out is why EVENINGS of solitude can end up being much more burdensome as opposed to relaxing, which is frustrating. What I end up doing, especially if I am tired, is getting into a mental 'rut' and start turning to CraigsList, obsessively searching dating sites, getting upset at my circumstances, and really, just getting into a bad mindset of being a 'victim' of my homosexuality... I start thinking negative thoughts about being single, and not having hope for a life with a partner, with a family, with a future 'legacy', and that just wipes me out enough that I just need to go to bed.
I finally am getting to the point, yet again.... (seems like it's taken me about 3 trials) of getting 'tired' of Craigslist. I had another stupid hookup this weekend; realizing it's a complete waste of time. I mean, especially since it takes 3 hours of persistent ad surfing and countless rejections,,,, and then end up with a guy who doesn't look as hot as my 'fantasy', and then I end up having a miserable and awkward time. This is always what happens, and it's SO bad a habit.. I just kick myself and get depressed. I would say of my handful of hookups, during my 'safe experimenting' phase, maybe 2, at most, really did turn me on. The rest were sketchy, uncomfortable, and made me feel gross. I guess that's par for the course.
I have had a few dates on 'real' dating sites, which led to some hopeful experiences, but did not pan out. It was really nice, though, to have the illusion of hope for a while.. it kept me optimistic about my 'gayness'; but then disallusionment set in soon thereafter where these fun dates were only 1st dates, with not enough substance to really carry on any future friendship, let alone relationship... so I took this as another setback, and got depressed again.
I am trying now, for sure, to try to step away from my constant activities of trying to find dates, and just try to get involved in groups of people doing activities I value. This is really what will bring my 'back' to myself again. I feel like I have just had another 'microjourney' within my overall 'gayness journey' that was disappointing, yet revealing and informative. It keeps getting reinforced that fantasies and realities are most always never consistent with eachother; that many times, guys who are much younger , although hot, may not be able to relate to the types of issues of a 36 year old, hence making deeper conversations and potential relaitonships/dating a rare occurance. I am also learning to try to nurture the friendships/hope that is right in front of me, such as the Gay Catholic group; my being a parishioner at my church; as well as many activities with the Catholic young adult groups in this city. I was recounting to my therapist this past week that in the past, my turning to Catholic-related activities during times of tranisition always led to positive changes......so I need to trust my past, and go forth trusting God,,, that not *every* group with whom I become involved needs to be a 'gay group'; and not every group with whome I become involved needs to have a purpose of finding a boyfriend..... It seems like such an obvious conclusion, but when you're constantly (or almost constantly) worried or thinking about how difficult it is to be homosexual and find a date, you can lose perspective on your own values, interests... and end up waking up one day realizing that you've placed your hobbies or values on hold, just so you can search for a relationship. I have searched up and down in the wrong places. At least my hookups have taught me this..... so I can move forward and feel confident that i'm not 'missing out' on anything.. in fact, hook-ups are a bit over-rated, especially when they don't fulfill the intended fantasy. In fact, they can be goddamn depressing, pointless, dangerous, shallow, gross, and disappointing. The stark comparison of the tone of conversation between 'pre-orgasm' and 'post-orgasm' when you have absolutely nothing to share with the person beyond using them for sex... is very, let's stay, instructive... and demonstrative of how sex in the absence of love and/or intimacy seems like such a mechanical act, where both people know going in, that the point is to get off, and then just get on with your night. It is sad, really...... I mean, when I was a virgin (to both men, and women), I would have these notions how awesome sex would be.. even if it was a hookup situation. Maybe I'm missing the point, but I don't see it. I hope that somebody I get to have sex with somebody I actually care about or love.. maybe that is when sex will feel a bit more fun, comfortable.. in the meantime. i'll just carry on with my life as an unofficial monk :)
I'm learning both in the workplace and at home, that scheduling in time each day, or periodically, to get long-term projects completed.. is satisfying, especially when I can see the fruits of my labor pay off in good ways. So, I am starting to apply this to my own life as well... for example.. moving into my new house.... instead of immersing myself in renovation projects and unpacking boxes in a frenzy, I methodically place an hour or so aside each day to unpack.. knowing that it will eventually get done. It provides me with a much more methodical, meditative approach to life, and makes me feel productive, since I can go betweeen tasks more easily and not run out of energy.
So, my dating life. OY.... .. or lack thereof.. this is truly a struggle, and something that I just cannot figure out is why EVENINGS of solitude can end up being much more burdensome as opposed to relaxing, which is frustrating. What I end up doing, especially if I am tired, is getting into a mental 'rut' and start turning to CraigsList, obsessively searching dating sites, getting upset at my circumstances, and really, just getting into a bad mindset of being a 'victim' of my homosexuality... I start thinking negative thoughts about being single, and not having hope for a life with a partner, with a family, with a future 'legacy', and that just wipes me out enough that I just need to go to bed.
I finally am getting to the point, yet again.... (seems like it's taken me about 3 trials) of getting 'tired' of Craigslist. I had another stupid hookup this weekend; realizing it's a complete waste of time. I mean, especially since it takes 3 hours of persistent ad surfing and countless rejections,,,, and then end up with a guy who doesn't look as hot as my 'fantasy', and then I end up having a miserable and awkward time. This is always what happens, and it's SO bad a habit.. I just kick myself and get depressed. I would say of my handful of hookups, during my 'safe experimenting' phase, maybe 2, at most, really did turn me on. The rest were sketchy, uncomfortable, and made me feel gross. I guess that's par for the course.
I have had a few dates on 'real' dating sites, which led to some hopeful experiences, but did not pan out. It was really nice, though, to have the illusion of hope for a while.. it kept me optimistic about my 'gayness'; but then disallusionment set in soon thereafter where these fun dates were only 1st dates, with not enough substance to really carry on any future friendship, let alone relationship... so I took this as another setback, and got depressed again.
I am trying now, for sure, to try to step away from my constant activities of trying to find dates, and just try to get involved in groups of people doing activities I value. This is really what will bring my 'back' to myself again. I feel like I have just had another 'microjourney' within my overall 'gayness journey' that was disappointing, yet revealing and informative. It keeps getting reinforced that fantasies and realities are most always never consistent with eachother; that many times, guys who are much younger , although hot, may not be able to relate to the types of issues of a 36 year old, hence making deeper conversations and potential relaitonships/dating a rare occurance. I am also learning to try to nurture the friendships/hope that is right in front of me, such as the Gay Catholic group; my being a parishioner at my church; as well as many activities with the Catholic young adult groups in this city. I was recounting to my therapist this past week that in the past, my turning to Catholic-related activities during times of tranisition always led to positive changes......so I need to trust my past, and go forth trusting God,,, that not *every* group with whom I become involved needs to be a 'gay group'; and not every group with whome I become involved needs to have a purpose of finding a boyfriend..... It seems like such an obvious conclusion, but when you're constantly (or almost constantly) worried or thinking about how difficult it is to be homosexual and find a date, you can lose perspective on your own values, interests... and end up waking up one day realizing that you've placed your hobbies or values on hold, just so you can search for a relationship. I have searched up and down in the wrong places. At least my hookups have taught me this..... so I can move forward and feel confident that i'm not 'missing out' on anything.. in fact, hook-ups are a bit over-rated, especially when they don't fulfill the intended fantasy. In fact, they can be goddamn depressing, pointless, dangerous, shallow, gross, and disappointing. The stark comparison of the tone of conversation between 'pre-orgasm' and 'post-orgasm' when you have absolutely nothing to share with the person beyond using them for sex... is very, let's stay, instructive... and demonstrative of how sex in the absence of love and/or intimacy seems like such a mechanical act, where both people know going in, that the point is to get off, and then just get on with your night. It is sad, really...... I mean, when I was a virgin (to both men, and women), I would have these notions how awesome sex would be.. even if it was a hookup situation. Maybe I'm missing the point, but I don't see it. I hope that somebody I get to have sex with somebody I actually care about or love.. maybe that is when sex will feel a bit more fun, comfortable.. in the meantime. i'll just carry on with my life as an unofficial monk :)
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Stopping the Cycle
I had a dream last night that I started falling for a beautiful woman who did not care that I had an attraction to guys, and this was extremely attractive to me, and I remember feeling a sense of security and freedom. These dreams often parallel the random thoughts I have during the day, the latest of which is having this fantasy about maybe this whole 'gay' thing is just made up in my head, and wishing I could just run away from it, and not have to 'work so hard' at it. It does seem like 'work'. Maybe I need to work on letting go, living my life, and not caring so much about how to 'improve' my situation, or think about the circumstances or implications for my sexual preferences. Letting go and surrendering is one of the most difficult things one can do. It may help to realize that I have multiple other hobbies, a dynamic job, positive outlets for making new friends, a supportive family.. which should boost my morale into thinking that I don't have it all that bad, and that sexuality, if it leads to being single for (a lifetime?) perhaps, that I should just let it go and be thankful for what I have. It's time to start turning my negative thoughts into positive ones so I can stop the negative thinking cycle.
Re-Focus
I'm having some pretty substantive counseling sessions the past couple of visits, which are quite startling and a little sobering to me.... mostly because they do regard issues where I truly am limiting myself, and if I don't change my behavior, I could end up creating my own suffering. Let me share a case in point in order to illustrate. So, I come in with a chief complaint that it is very difficult to meet men, and I'm having difficulty, and am frustrated and almost despondent over how to even go about this. As we talked through things, I was able to identify some of my irrational thoughts about dating guys: 1) I don't like the idea of dating older guys; 2) older guys would not want to consider adopting or having a family. Then my therapist pointed out that my intellectual/relationship needs may point toward being in a relationship with a guy who is older...; and also dispelled my own irrational thoughts about the adopting/having a family; which many older guys (even in the heterosexual world) end up taking up later in life. So, I walked out therapy realizing that my own thoughts and judgements are preventing me from expanding my horizons, and I'm the only person who has the ability to change these horizons in order to improve my situation. So in a way, I do need to change in order to expand, and I do have issues to work out still in order to improve the quality of my life. Not that this is any surprise to me, but it's a little sobering, but also relieving, to be able to identify a few key factors that could be preventing me from reaching my potential. Another idea we explored more was my ambivlance toward becoming involved in Catholic groups, and my hangup being I would not meet any guys, and I could be ostracized because of my views or my own sexuality. I honestly am putting aside multiple opportunities for Catholic groups in Kansas City, for no known reason.... i think it's mostly because of the fear of being rejected, or maybe a feeling of hopelessness of finding a 'guy' that would occur once I start connecting with a group like this. But again, this is irrational... because if what I am trying to acheive in life, at least for now, is connecting with a group and feeling a part of a community, reaching out to the young adult Catholic group may be just what I need, similar to what I did in my 'prior lives' when transitioning to new cities, new schools, new professional roles. Something always came of this... these decisions to become involved in the young adult Catholic group. Those things were rather big, if I recall... My decision to join the Catholic group in college led to a trajectory of new friendships and an ability to dig out of my prior depression and poor social circumstances. My decision to join the Catholic group during my post-doctoral fellowship led to a new set of friends, as well as a large growth in the ability to apply my faith to my life, which ultimately led to coming out, and a new trajectory of self-actualization. So, of what am I so fearful?
Saturday, May 14, 2011
So, this is what to do next.....
I found yet another dating site...... and what is so crazy is that one sees the same people over and over on the same sites..... which can be encouraging because it lets me know that I'm trying to pull out all the stops just like everybody else.. And hence begins, another fishing expedition that mostly ends up with nothing. I go in with complete skepticism, despite all the good candy adorning the walls......... We will see if this ends up leading anywhere........ .. one can only hope...
What's next? How do I get there?
I feel like I have run out of options for meeting guys. I can run down the list, and say things have not worked. Match.com does not work, except that I have met one friend. Craigslist definitely does NOT work, except on platonic section I have met a friend. Plentyoffish only worked a couple of times, but the guys are so young, and never write back consistently. I could go on and on about how I'm not meeting the right people, and how I don't know where to go next. I literally do not know where to go. I am out of places. My networking is running dry, and I am feeling hopeless.... Maybe I should just not try to date? Maybe I should expand my social venues to include straight groups doing activities like community service or hiking/outdoors? I do not 'have a group' right now. Am I doing something wrong? Should I be networking a different way, or else I'll just go along and meet nobody? Where do I go? Who do I talk to? The problem with the new, current gay friends I have made is that I am always the one doing all the inviting, and pressing forth all the energy....... The tough thing about the gay world is that 1) one must first find out where the gay guys are; 2) then you have to navigate between just wanting to be pals versus wanting something more; 3) then you have to deal with the general 'guy' attitudes of not following up; being self-centered; and being idiots. After you've completed all the navigating, you've used a litmus test to basically rule every guy out, with nobody else to date, unless you put aside your own values in order to just get some action, and feel like you're being loved by somebody. I have no fucking clue what to do anymore. My solutions could be 1) just start showing up to these gay events and introducing myself; 2) start marketing myself like everybody else in order to capture somebody's attention. Here is the crux of the issue: with the time that I do have outside of work, do I spend the time in a venue that increases my likelihood of meeting a partner? Or do I spend it in an activity that is related to my values/interests? I just don't want to wake up 5 years from now and still not have a plan, a partner, a life..... that I have envisioned right now....
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