Get me the fuck out of this episode!!!

The hardest thing about my situation, is that I can't figure out whether I am doing something wrong, whether I'm going up the wrong tree, going about this incorrectly, or whether it's just something I need to suck up and deal with.........being gay, and trying to find dates........ just the whole scenario, and everything it entails... is enough to make me want to just throw my hands up and say 'FUCK IT'.

Here are the things I just don't fucking understand.. just a small list:

a) Why is it that I go and try to volunteer for a gay-related event, try it out, feel uncomfortable, gracefully exit diplomatically, and then get no fucking response?
b) Why is it that I am constantly obsessed with fantasy guys, and then don't look forward to when I actually DO have a date with somebody?
c) Why is it that I doubt my sexuality when I think about a relationship with a man who is not hot?
d) Why is it that I doubt my sexuality.... after all that I have been through, or all that I have put myself through?
e) Why is it that I feel like giving up?
f) Why is it that I don't have any fucking paths to even TRY exploring?
g) Why the FUCK am I so obsessed with why I'm obsessed and frustrated?
h) Why can't I just LET THIS GO and just LIVE my life?
i) Why are all the hot handsome gay having all the fun and I am not?
j) Why isn't anybody noticing me? How do I become noticed? Do I need to become noticed in order to survive this fucking game?
k) Why can guys be such rude ASSHOLES (not responding, not being courteous, having that fucking attitude)
l) How do I not become BITTER and HOPELESS about this?
m) Is it just me, or do other cities have much hotter guys who have much better luck?
n) Am I doomed to failure living in a town with a frustrating and fruitless gay scene?
o) How can I get out of this 'doom' cycle and concentrate on more important things?
p) How can I prevent these cycles and episodes from derailing my concentration, and fucking up my entire weekend because I get depressed even the MORE I think about it?
q) Am I kidding myself to think I don't need medications for depression and obsessive thoughts?
r) With medications, will my creativity levels go downward, and I won't be as productive or creative?