Job completed... for now :)

I am clearly writing like a mad-man today, clearly a sign that I needed to vent my emotions, and think through some issues in my life. I feel better now :)

I'm going to Home Depot now. Interior design projects are calling my name.

I may check out the ballroom dancing venues around town as well. It's time to get back on the dance floor for some Tango, Rumba, and Cha-Cha action.

Watch out world. I'm back.

Unfinished Business

I still have some unresolved business to conduct: mentioning to some friends I'm gay. Although I know that 'coming out' is not required necessarily for everybody in one's life, but a few of my friends in the city I used to live in, I have been distancing myself from them out of fear.... fear that I haven't told them yet, and what they would think.

Although I do understand that coming out to everybody is not necessary, and sometimes not even advised... my therapist did share with me that if the withholding of this information is preventing you from reaching out to the people you love, it's time to share.  This advice is worth it's weight in gold.

I have learned the opposite lesson as well.... which was a bit tough pill to swallow.... is that you should not come out to people you don't know very well. Fuck, it makes the other person so uncomfortable, and is so inappropriate. I mean, this whole theme going on in my head, about wanting acceptance., etc.. plays itself out in this situation as well... when I'm almost wanting to tell people because I see it as a way to share, and connect.

Well, never again.

I can recall 3 instances: 1 with a guy I had met through some networking; 1 at the gym, and 1 college roommate I hadn't spoken with in 15 years.  For the first guy, outing myself seemed appropriate, because he asked about my dating life, and if I had any luck meeting women on the dating circuit. It was awkward for him, but not for me. He didn't have an issue with it, it was just a bit weird sharing that information with somebody I barely knew.  For the second guy, I was glutton for punishment because after a few beers, I inserted my 'outing' into conversation, off a tangential conversation that was only somewhat related (if at all) to my sexuality. That went over like a lead balloon, and I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.  And for my college roommate..... I again felt the need to bring it up over email, after he asked in a joking way how many women I've send to the cardiologist given the hearts I had broken over the years during my dating.  Well, that was a bit more related to my sexuality, so I decided to mention to him, using the same humor... to bounce off his... 'well, i don't know about sending women to the cardiologist, but I did send them to the psychiatriast.. because I came out of the closet a few years ago'. Well. I guess I did not *really* have to say anything, but I do admit, he somewhat opened the door and invited me in for that one.  Needless to say, and perhaps not surprisingly, I haven't heard back from him, and perhaps I never will. Not a loss necessarily, but just another reality of feeling different from others, and my life's path taking an alternative route, that others may not know how to respond or even deal with it.

Now, despite those difficult situations of coming out, I would say that 90% of my other interactions with friends and family have gone pretty darn well, so I say to those who were uncomfortable or disapproving of my life: it's your loss.

Today will be a new beginning

OK. I feel resolute about how I'm going to improve my life.  As I removed myself from my stressful week, I have realized that I have shoved aside the hobbies I pursued before I relocated, and I'm not sure why. Part of my rationale was I needed to adjust to the new life as a tenure-track professor. So, I have been at it for a year, and pretty much have my routine down. I have moved into a new house and I'm all settled. I've reconnected with friends, family, and am starting to feel settled. So, what's next? I have been unhealthily pursuing the online dating/hook up scene, trying to fill a void. A void that exists, which is odd, because an outsider would not think of a void existing given my busy schedule, social life, and such. But, reality is not necessarily what appears at the surface, indeed. This wake-up call seems needed..... the wake-up call that I have gathered from listening to those around me.... either my friends, my family, or strangers on my blog. I have absorbed all of this, and established some patterns, patterns that need to change. Although I do not have control over what guys want to go on dates with me, I do have complete control over designing and pursuing hobbies that fulfill me. I mean, I look around and see what surrounds me, the interests which fill my soul and spirit with contentment, and wonder why the fuck I don't end up doing those, when I'm feeling a little lonely. Shit, what has been my fucking problem? I shouldn't be so hard on myself; I am glad that I have at least come to this important conclusions. Interesting that it took some courage to be vulnerable and taking risks.. such as blogging, asking guys out, being myself (trying to at least), listening to others, trying to be patient, confronting my own limitations and struggles, confronting these nuances of my personality... it has led me to ideas of how to build up my happiness again.

I think back to the journey of my coming out, and the victories which have grown out of struggles. I have had many 'phoenix rising' moments, born directly out of struggles, painful, and awkward experiences.  I have tried to listen to my heart and spirit during these moments, to help direct me to the next steps, and thus far, that listening has led to progress.

So, let's think back to some key 'come to Jesus moments'. A recent one was the way I was surfing online sites and contacting guys. Once I began to actually read their profiles and contact them with questions, and genuine interest.... (imagine that), I got more responses.  Another huge insight that I learned when I came out of the closet, and was experimenting with hookups... I came to a stark realization that fantasies and realities rarely match up in hook up situations, if at all. I was naive to think otherwise, but hell, it was new for me, now I know.  I still fall into that trap, though.. especially with online communications. It is so easy to 'fill in the blanks' for a guy using our own fantasies of how we would like the ideal guy to act. I even catch myself assuming somebody should act a certain way, simply because that is way that I act in that situation. Shit. All these lessons. Maybe one of these days I can put these together successfully, while at the same time, rolling with the punches.

The next insight to put on my list happened this week, I cannot necessarily take credit for... was the feedback from various interactions from online folks, as well as a close friend.. is that my eagerness and enthusiasm could be misconstrued as maybe being desperate, or coming across too strongly, which is a turn off to the other person. I cannot count how many fucking times I did this in previous relationships with women... it's one of my blind spots, and I had no idea that it would negatively impact. I guess this, in addition to people pleasing, is not the best combination in the world.

I realize that I need to take on a bit more detachment, probably for my own self-preservation, as well as respect for the other person's space.  This goes beyond just my dating.. it applies also to my academic work. I put my passion into everything I do, and with that, my emotions, my strengths, my weaknesses, my expectations, and my hopes.  That is a lot of shove onto a research project, a collaboration.... a relationship, or a friendship. And, although this intensity I mostly internalize...... it manifests itself in my insecurity toward others, my ability to trust, my inability to let go, my need to control. It's fucking a pain in the ass, and the last thing I want to do is turn people off to the true person I am, just because I'm insecure, wanting love, acceptance, and all of that.

I'm sitting here almost shocked at myself about these floods of insights and connections I am making about myself, seeming to just jump onto the page. But the real issue now, is how to cope, and what are the next steps I can do to improve my life, and decrease the negative effects of my personality/behavior challenges on my own quality of life, as well as others? I'm either way overthinking these things, or I have actually hit the jackpot with respect to acknowledging some of my issues, or a combination of the two.

One thing I'm thinking about doing, as to the suggestion of a fellow blogger, is to take a break from online dating scene. This is great advice, and I know that is what I need to do. Clearly the fact that I'm hesitant to do that indicates that I have a bit of a control/loneliness/neediness issue... at least with respect to thinking I need to find a boyfriend or be in a relationship.  This 'guy chase' mentality has taken over a part of my life which is starting to have negative impacts on other parts. That means it's fucking time to change things up, and prevent further self-victimization, self-loathing shit.  It's time for a new day.

I'm going to start today.

An Objective Re-Evaluation

This has been quite a week of activity leading to stressful emotions for me..... grandmom had to go to the hospital; I underestimated the time it would take to write lectures that were due and had to do a bit of cramming, so I wore myself out; I had a date with a guy I have a crush on, and my hopes kinda made my head spin; I am getting good insights and advice from folks on my blog as well as those I correspond with online about the importance of being happy being single, or I will exude some type of desperation, neediness, and loneliness. Fuck,

This is making me re-evaluate things a bit. I mean, I consider myself a gregarious, compassion, outgoing, extraverted person. Ask my wide circle of friends..  But, I also have this other side of me which has been glaringly obvious to me this week... to me, and obviously to others.. that kinda makes me nervous, and wonders whether I truly know who I am, or how I interact with others.

I'm not sure the root of the problem, or how to resolve it. I think I just need to start filling my life with hobbies again. For example, I had a dream last night that I got involved again in my ballroom dancing. That was such a great hobby that led to so much happiness, fulfillment, challenge, friendships, and fellowship.  I love the combination of music, dancing, conversation, letting go.. and just having fun.

Fuck, I get so immersed in work obligations, that I get lost in my head; which is a big part of the problem. I lose sight of my own needs, what makes me happy.... Once I figure that out, things could improve dramatically in my personal life.

Oddly, despite all of this, I have met a few more guys on line...like, in a non-hook up kind of way, where they're interested in going out for a beer. This is all good; I just need do detach myself, chill out and bit, and have fun with the dates.

Yes, I think that is what is so strange. I am so worried about finding a BF, and I can't even enjoy the moment of a date, and I keep thinking forward and ahead to 'relationship'. I think people can sniff that out from a mile away.

I hope that I can reconcile myself soon; and I hope that my friend wants to go out on a second date. the ball is in his court, and I will gladly keep it there for now... ....because all of these insights from the past few days have taught me to take a step back and not take this all so fucking seriously.

Yes: 2 primary qualities about myself: 1) I have a tendency to be very tightly 'wound' and 2) I am a people pleaser. Those two in combination, when I'm stressed, feeling needy: is a total disaster waiting to happen. God help me. I'm glad I have identified some things to work on now :)

thanks, all for your comments. will help me get onto a new tack, and I hope life will start improving now :)

Note to Self

Bring the last few blog entries to my therapist next week. I'll get my money's worth out of the discussion, without a doubt.  Perhaps I'll come out ahead this time :)

Re-Evaluating, Re-Grouping = Overanalysis or Useful Self-Reflection? LOL. Jesus. I need a chill pill.

I woke up this morning with insights that jolted me out of my ridiculous, immature self-pitying about chasing guys and waiting for dates...Actually, what happened was I woke up with an irritation about a colleague of mine, who appears to be very non-comittal to teaching in my elective, despite my working for their course overtime.  Part of this issue is definitely ME.. where I'm *expecting* things in return, which causes me to get mad at the other person without reason, any information, and I end up creating these stories in my mind that ends up making me feel irritated, mad, and like I'm being the victim. 

It's ridiculous, selfish, and self-defeatist. These insights jolted me into thinking: I can't believe that I let external events/people control my emotions; I end up internalizing, and taking the blame, and getting mad..... without being patient, doing further inquiries about the situation. I end up getting mad, feeling sorry for myself, and end up with my 'panties in a wad' for lack of better term.

With this insight, I got angry at myself, but also, I started to treat myself with a bit more respect, and realize that I should surround myself with people who do care about me, and if I do sense that I am not getting something in return, to try not to judge the other person, and try not to blame myself. Interesting. When I am disappointed in not having my expectations met, I go 2 paths: 1) I get frustrated at the other person and want to blame them (if I know them well); or 2) I blame myself and play the victim. Then I turn all passive-aggressive like, and my brain gets fried.

Of course, all of this is happening during a week when I'm in HIGH gear at work with lots of deadlines and stress, and my own self-imposed expectations, which is not making things any easier. I keep writing in my journal as a way to let off steam, which is actually helping tremendously.

I'm feeling vulnerable now. Honestly, I feel vulnerable, with these naked emotions.....Am I just over-perceptive? Why am I always seeming to have to readjust my expectations, my emotions... and re-evaluate and re-group? Is this just part of life?

No Answers

so tonight I took the night off, watched some TV, disconnected from online dating sites, listened to music,,, i also cried quite a bit too... perhaps an emotional release of some tension; also some relief that I've identified some new issues. i'm scared that these cycles I am in are partially due to anxiety/depression; i've been given some advice as well that the roots of some of this anxiety, insecurity, angst.. may be because I have not reached my full potential of loving myself quite yet.  Interesting insight from a fellow blogger. I never really thought of it this way. I mean, I do feel grateful that I have come so far in three years... come out of the closet, changed careers to something very fulfilling, starting to build a community of friends in my new city... so I have a lot of potential to get to a better place.

But, yes.. it's like I have this constant itch I scratch about trying to find intimacy.. a boyfriend... a relationship... and when I try too hard, it blows up in my face. Also, when I do try, it comes off not so good to other guys, and potentially turns them off. The thought of that just makes me feel repulsed with myself, that my enthusiasm for being with a guy would come off as desperate or needy. Seriously? Now I'm starting to doubt my own character, and my confidence. This is so fucked up. How can I go from a crush on a guy to a total self-destructive worry wart within 5 days? this makes no sense to me at all.  it's gotta be chemical imbalance or something?  Maybe the 'something missing' is not a relationship, but something else, that I can't quite find, or know how to find. This is hard. How can I like my hobbies, my surroundings, my career, but not really be at peace with myself? Why the restlessness, and how can I make it stop?

Will My Vulnerabilities Lead to Rejections?

I'm not learning...... I keep making the same mistakes.... I keep giving into my negative emotions, my temptations, and I end up beating myself up over it, which just makes everything worse. I feel circular thoughts that go into panic, because I am worried about whether I'm doing something wrong, whether it is me. I get frustrated b/c I find myself back into a cycle which I tried to avoid in the first place, a cycle of emotions which is triggered by crushes on guys, expectations that end up leading to disappointment... basically, situations where I cannot remain 'stable' becuase my emotions get affected by my external environment. makes me feel like I'm needy; which then makes me feel vulnerable, as if these idiosyncracies are exuding from me in such an obvious way, that I end up scaring guys away. Why do I say this? I say this because of lack of patience, which can come across on email like I'm putting pressure on somebody or a situation, when really... maybe I'm not wanting to? but I am, inevitably? comes across that way... where I can't just wait and let something develop. It's hard for me. I don't know what else to do about it. How do I work on the skill of 'patience'? it's so ambiguous; so annoying; so unproductive. But I need to see it from the other person's perspective: if I had somebody breatheing down my neck, not giving me a chance to respond an initiate, then imbalance would occur from the very beginning. I'm already afraid I've fucked up. Just by appearing eager and potentially impatient, I think I may have just screwed my chances with this guy. I'm really purposefully making an effort to NOT contact him.... the point has been made.. i told him I like him, and want to go out with him again; so maybe I should just rest assured that the ball is in his court.

Meanwhile, I'm obsessing about this stuff when I really should be cramming for lectures, and I just go really behind last month, and all my deadlines are suddenly upon me. These strressors are all coming in at once, and the way to deal with them: coping with this takes mental power, patience, and trust; which is totally what i am LACKING right now, for some reason. I feel like I need to be methodical, instead of just rolling with it, and jumping right in, and going with my intuition. makes me feel frozen when I feel like I run out of time, and my original plans do not go through. Powerless. Cannot meet expectations. Feel frustrated.

Then, I think of the rejection..... really having a crush on a guy, then, when it is not returned, it feels like a punch in the face. I wish I could just roll with things and let them develop. What types of strategies? well, my first strategy was to try to find other guys as a distraction, so I went on a hunt... for hookups... which inevitably brought me into the CL cycle (but this time on A4A), and led me into some self-revolting situations, where I ended up taking a anti-panic pill just to calm my nerves the rest of the day.

Fuck. I feel like I have mental issues. This is crazy. I feel like this is a very unattractive part of me, that I don't know what to do about, and that it would make somebody not want to date me... all of these idiosyncracies that make me who I am... enthusaistic with a bit of impatience, a bit neurotic, creative, ups and downs, emotional.. .. would somebody want to date me because of those? Why am I suddenly feeling like I am unwanted?

Deceptive Hopes and Grains of Salt

Where does the phrase 'take it with a grain of salt' originate? It's odd, but is relevant right now. It's a tough skill set for me.. taking things with a grain of salt... Maybe I'm even saying the phrase incorrectly. LOL.  Anyhow, the online world is odd, and at this point, it's just par for the course when guys just drop out of sight; end their accounts and vanish.  Also, it gets depressing when I pretty much have gone through all the guys on there, then I catch myself getting sad again.... it's the trap.......... now, the one guy that I have exchanged emails with back in forth; I have put my hopes into, and probably too much so.  how do i not get my hopes up? how to have high hopes and low expectations?

I think I'm about to go into a dry spell again......it's so frustrating. First, I had 2 guys with whom I was corresponding; 1 completely disappeared; the other has dropped off a bit in writing; and I have these negative thoughts that the guy that i'm speaking with online has lots of options, and is getting all the emails from many other dudes, and i'm the struggling guy with not many people to hang my hat onto. I put too much stock and hope into these situations, which just ends up killing my hope if things don't work out. It's a ridiculous cycle,, which, if I'm not careful or mindful, tempts me back into the hookup train....

So, I need to remind myself over and over and over again: the other options for IN PERSON gatherings, including the monthly HRC happy hours; the monthly Bistro 303 happy hours; and my ongoing networking in the community with both straight and gay friends. One of these days.... one of these days...   I really should try to concentrate on the positive and not get into my negative cycle.

And, I realize that my negative thoughts are exacerbated when I'm tired, and worn out.. So... the lesson here: hang tight, and take stock of the blessings in my life, and keep on exploring and making lemonade out of lemons.

WTF??!!

what is UP with this? Backwards and odd. the male dating and hookup scene online is so weird. How is it that my R-rated photo gets attention, which then prompts a conversation, which then helps really bring out in people that they want to get to know somebody first, and maybe go on a date.. Strange.. strange... strange... I mean, I just met two guys online today, who want to actually go on a date, and not just hookup, even though the photos posted from either of us would suggest otherwise.

wow. this world is so fucking confusing.