I woke up this morning with insights that jolted me out of my ridiculous, immature self-pitying about chasing guys and waiting for dates...Actually, what happened was I woke up with an irritation about a colleague of mine, who appears to be very non-comittal to teaching in my elective, despite my working for their course overtime. Part of this issue is definitely ME.. where I'm *expecting* things in return, which causes me to get mad at the other person without reason, any information, and I end up creating these stories in my mind that ends up making me feel irritated, mad, and like I'm being the victim.
It's ridiculous, selfish, and self-defeatist. These insights jolted me into thinking: I can't believe that I let external events/people control my emotions; I end up internalizing, and taking the blame, and getting mad..... without being patient, doing further inquiries about the situation. I end up getting mad, feeling sorry for myself, and end up with my 'panties in a wad' for lack of better term.
With this insight, I got angry at myself, but also, I started to treat myself with a bit more respect, and realize that I should surround myself with people who do care about me, and if I do sense that I am not getting something in return, to try not to judge the other person, and try not to blame myself. Interesting. When I am disappointed in not having my expectations met, I go 2 paths: 1) I get frustrated at the other person and want to blame them (if I know them well); or 2) I blame myself and play the victim. Then I turn all passive-aggressive like, and my brain gets fried.
Of course, all of this is happening during a week when I'm in HIGH gear at work with lots of deadlines and stress, and my own self-imposed expectations, which is not making things any easier. I keep writing in my journal as a way to let off steam, which is actually helping tremendously.
I'm feeling vulnerable now. Honestly, I feel vulnerable, with these naked emotions.....Am I just over-perceptive? Why am I always seeming to have to readjust my expectations, my emotions... and re-evaluate and re-group? Is this just part of life?
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No, it's not a part of life. It is life!
ReplyDeleteThe only constant in life is change. People that can't or won't accept that are destined to always vulnerable and powerless and over whelmed.
Jack Scott
Yes, I agree. Many of these emotions that have come up this week have subsided. I think that when I get tired and exhausted, I begin to blow everything out of proportion. Thank goodness for sleep, rest, and a brief respite from work, in order to gain more perspective again.
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