Today will be a new beginning

OK. I feel resolute about how I'm going to improve my life.  As I removed myself from my stressful week, I have realized that I have shoved aside the hobbies I pursued before I relocated, and I'm not sure why. Part of my rationale was I needed to adjust to the new life as a tenure-track professor. So, I have been at it for a year, and pretty much have my routine down. I have moved into a new house and I'm all settled. I've reconnected with friends, family, and am starting to feel settled. So, what's next? I have been unhealthily pursuing the online dating/hook up scene, trying to fill a void. A void that exists, which is odd, because an outsider would not think of a void existing given my busy schedule, social life, and such. But, reality is not necessarily what appears at the surface, indeed. This wake-up call seems needed..... the wake-up call that I have gathered from listening to those around me.... either my friends, my family, or strangers on my blog. I have absorbed all of this, and established some patterns, patterns that need to change. Although I do not have control over what guys want to go on dates with me, I do have complete control over designing and pursuing hobbies that fulfill me. I mean, I look around and see what surrounds me, the interests which fill my soul and spirit with contentment, and wonder why the fuck I don't end up doing those, when I'm feeling a little lonely. Shit, what has been my fucking problem? I shouldn't be so hard on myself; I am glad that I have at least come to this important conclusions. Interesting that it took some courage to be vulnerable and taking risks.. such as blogging, asking guys out, being myself (trying to at least), listening to others, trying to be patient, confronting my own limitations and struggles, confronting these nuances of my personality... it has led me to ideas of how to build up my happiness again.

I think back to the journey of my coming out, and the victories which have grown out of struggles. I have had many 'phoenix rising' moments, born directly out of struggles, painful, and awkward experiences.  I have tried to listen to my heart and spirit during these moments, to help direct me to the next steps, and thus far, that listening has led to progress.

So, let's think back to some key 'come to Jesus moments'. A recent one was the way I was surfing online sites and contacting guys. Once I began to actually read their profiles and contact them with questions, and genuine interest.... (imagine that), I got more responses.  Another huge insight that I learned when I came out of the closet, and was experimenting with hookups... I came to a stark realization that fantasies and realities rarely match up in hook up situations, if at all. I was naive to think otherwise, but hell, it was new for me, now I know.  I still fall into that trap, though.. especially with online communications. It is so easy to 'fill in the blanks' for a guy using our own fantasies of how we would like the ideal guy to act. I even catch myself assuming somebody should act a certain way, simply because that is way that I act in that situation. Shit. All these lessons. Maybe one of these days I can put these together successfully, while at the same time, rolling with the punches.

The next insight to put on my list happened this week, I cannot necessarily take credit for... was the feedback from various interactions from online folks, as well as a close friend.. is that my eagerness and enthusiasm could be misconstrued as maybe being desperate, or coming across too strongly, which is a turn off to the other person. I cannot count how many fucking times I did this in previous relationships with women... it's one of my blind spots, and I had no idea that it would negatively impact. I guess this, in addition to people pleasing, is not the best combination in the world.

I realize that I need to take on a bit more detachment, probably for my own self-preservation, as well as respect for the other person's space.  This goes beyond just my dating.. it applies also to my academic work. I put my passion into everything I do, and with that, my emotions, my strengths, my weaknesses, my expectations, and my hopes.  That is a lot of shove onto a research project, a collaboration.... a relationship, or a friendship. And, although this intensity I mostly internalize...... it manifests itself in my insecurity toward others, my ability to trust, my inability to let go, my need to control. It's fucking a pain in the ass, and the last thing I want to do is turn people off to the true person I am, just because I'm insecure, wanting love, acceptance, and all of that.

I'm sitting here almost shocked at myself about these floods of insights and connections I am making about myself, seeming to just jump onto the page. But the real issue now, is how to cope, and what are the next steps I can do to improve my life, and decrease the negative effects of my personality/behavior challenges on my own quality of life, as well as others? I'm either way overthinking these things, or I have actually hit the jackpot with respect to acknowledging some of my issues, or a combination of the two.

One thing I'm thinking about doing, as to the suggestion of a fellow blogger, is to take a break from online dating scene. This is great advice, and I know that is what I need to do. Clearly the fact that I'm hesitant to do that indicates that I have a bit of a control/loneliness/neediness issue... at least with respect to thinking I need to find a boyfriend or be in a relationship.  This 'guy chase' mentality has taken over a part of my life which is starting to have negative impacts on other parts. That means it's fucking time to change things up, and prevent further self-victimization, self-loathing shit.  It's time for a new day.

I'm going to start today.