Feels So Scandalous, But Feels So Good

When I speak with a friend who does not know that I am gay, I am much more aware of what I say or what I do not say, in order to just be careful about my identity. I think to the other person, it probably just comes off as being private about my life, which is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, I think it is a good thing to be private, which has not necessarily always been my 'policy'.  In the past, for example, I may have told people too much about my emotions, my private life, who I was dating. Now, my current 'policy' is completely opposite: don't tell unless asked. I'm not sure how I feel about this new way of communicating. Although being private is not necessarily bad, it still feels dishonest if it causes me from holding back.  Maybe I should quit overthinking this. 

The second thing that has tuned me into this today is my new budding romance with a friend who lives across the country..... and how I most likely will not be telling a bunch of people about the friend I am visiting when I do go visit.. because it opens up a whole host of questions, and it almost feels scandalous. This is when it TOTALLY feels like living a double life.....  I feel totally exhilarated about it, and excited, and really super happy, but the other part of me worries about what other people will think, like it's scandalous, and that i'm making incorrect decisions...   So again, it's coming down to worry about what other people think about me..    Part of me, though, wants to shout to the world that I'm doing this, because it IS so scandalous, and I do feel SO liberated.. I mean, who flies half way across the country to meet a hot guy you've instantly become friends with by online texting and skyping? perhaps it is more common these days... I just cannot get enuf of this guy.

Pre-Emptive Strikes? If and When to Come Out to a Friend

A few more thoughts as I ponder gayness........ One of my insights hit me square in the eye today when I received a voicemail message from a friend of mine who wanted to call and chat. This is one of my friends who still does not know about my coming out, and I am conflicted about saying something. In a very real way, I feel myself hesitant in calling back because I fear the question about 'who am I dating', and then not being able to even keep a 'poker voice' if/when deciding to avoid the the truth. When does it become unfair to the other person to not reveal your truth? Will they feel saddened that it took this long to even tell them? Will that make them feel akward that they were the last to hear? Will they think that I'm less of a friend to them because it took me this long to wait to tell them? And.. do I even tell them? This issue goes along with the issue I spoke about a while back with my therapist, who challenged me to think about if I were missing out on a relationship because I was avoiding somebody, simply because I feared whether they would question who I was. It's more of an issue of feeling uncomfortable that they are *wondering*, and whether I should do a 'pre-emptive strike', so-to-speak, in order to save face. In one case, this did not work so well, during a conversation with a new friend where I had absolutely no transition into tell him about my coming out, and it created some discomfort, probably more so on my end compared to his end. Sometimes, erroneously, I see sharing intimate informaiton as an opporunity for growth in a friendship or relationship, and I probably should not 'use' this information about myself as an end in itself, just to try to become 'buddy buddy' with somebody.  So, there are certain situations, I think, which are more conducive to sharing this information about one's sexuality, and it's certainly not just a rule of thumb. Unfortunately, I still feel a need to think about what the other person WILL think before opening my mouth, and if it's even going to gain me an ounce of comfort in the future of the friendship since bringing it up. Perhaps the 'don't tell unless asked' is the best policy, as opposed to the pre-emptive strike. I just don't want this fear, which I haven't felt in so long, to creep in and affect a friendship.. And I can tell... that my avoidance of calling this person back is a direct result of that fear, and I'm not sure what I should do about it.

What is More Gay Than Serving on a Halloween Committee?

Well, it's my morning to catch up on my personal spiritual writings.. Coming to you live on a rainy, dark Saturday morning with a hot cup of coffee and a hearty bowl of oatmeal, I have no deep insights. Despite this, I do have updates. I have a new 'friend' I am corresponding with over email, we met during a failed hookup attempt while I was on vacation in another city... instead of hooking up, we talked and sent emails to each other for hours on end, and got to know each other. We have been in touch ever since, texting each other 3 or 4 times a day; having Skype sessions, and sharing dreams of how we will in a few weeks be together for a long weekend vacation.  This has been such a new development, such a novel and exciting experience, I haven't even had a chance to sit down and reflect about it. Several things, though, is that I do have a comparison from a previous 'online escapade' from which to draw, so that I can at least protect myself, emotionally, while seeing where this thing goes. Of course, since I have this major attraction to college dudes... he is in college. And since he has a major attraction to older guys (i.e: i'm not that old, only a young 36), it seems to work out for the best.  I admit I'm totally obsessed with him, and always look forward to our next texts, and next Skype. A good sign, esp. compared to my first online friend, is that we are both up for meeting each other in a 'neutral' city, so to speak, for a few days.  We've also briefly spoken about how we are going to 'see how things go' once we meet.. which, in my mind, translates into making sure we 'click' before even deciding if we want to date, or if we are even compatible.  I think this is a healthy approach, and it sure beats my long distance pal in Canada who was not even willing to Skype me, let alone receive a phone call... So, I am making some progress. This new friend felt it was a good sign that I wanted to commit to a trip to visit him, and we are very excited.. especially about the things we have in common with respect to travelling, camping, etc. We have this energy that I can at least sense from our interactions thus far. Of course, I need to be aware that my own fantasies is most likely shaping what I perceive is taking place... A phenomenon which has occurred endless times during my online interactions, even when I have photos to figure out if I'm at least physically attracted.   He told me that one of the big reasons he's attracted to me is because we can carry on intelligent conversations with one another, which in my book, is a huge plus. I have this fear, which is not unfounded, or irrational, that once we meet, and after we have our initial 'sex-capade', we may run out of things to talk about, and/or I will start sensing the age differential which could change my whole view of this situation.  Age, in itself, to me is not the issue, it's the behavior and maturity that comes along with the age level that is important to figure out.  I wonder if college dudes who are attracted to older guys have a 'daddy' issue, or whether they truly are at a different maturity in order to appreciate older guys. Fuck, I have no idea. I'm probably over-analyzing again.

So, I guess I could say that I am making progress on multiple fronts within my new 'gay' life :)  My new friendships with some gay guys are starting to solidify and feel comfortable and meaningful; my networking in this city is leading me to group events that I would otherwise not have found out about without my obsessive online networking in this 'underground' gay society.  In fact, I am volunteering to serve on the committee for the big Halloween fundraiser, LOL. God help me. It may be a hoot becoming involved with all of this. At least my cave-man outfit will be becoming on me, given I already have the body hair to boot :)   Also, perhaps the gays will think I'm an impostor, given I have been told by a gay friend I could easily pass for straight..

All in all, I am having fun with this new life of mine. I am less anxious, and much more hopeful. I sense some adventures in the near future, and I'm intrigued with the idea of serving on a committee for a Halloween party. What is more gay than that? OMG. What a year this is going to be!!!

Am I Limiting Myself?

I am trying to broaden my horizons to increase hope...... one of the best pieces of advice given to me thus far by my therapist is not to limit myself.... perhaps based upon pre-conceived notions, prejudice, and fear. It's quite a tall order, especially when trying to navigate through this world of dating, and figuring myself out. What brought me into this world of gayness was my attraction to guys, and what keeps me from finding dates, potentially, is my wanting to grab onto the fantasy, or the 'ideal'. In the process, all the eligible bachelors who I may be attracted to would go by the wayside. Of course, I am referring specifically to the online dating world....

One of the odd notions I got into my head the past 5 months is wanting to be with younger guys instead of older. I'm not sure where I got this from, but my therapist mentioned that I may be going after the wrong demographic, especially if I need stability,maturity, intellectual stimulation. Part of what is feeding into this is most likely my homophobia of 'old queens'... anybody over 40 being an effeminate overweight man with a raspy voice and a bitter attitude toward life. Fuck. It sounds funny, but these preconceived notions really do prevent me from increasing the upper limit of my age range when seeking online dates. Perhaps this is a problem.

So, I took a few chances and emailed some guys who seem somewhat attractive, and are actually older than me. Imagine that. Why I put these boundaries on myself is beyond me, but I guess I'm still just learning to deal with my fears, fantasies, and realities. 

Cheers to new adventures.... and also, cheers to letting go of previous 'potential' adventures which are not coming to fruition. I should not try to push those.. I should let go, and move on to new horizons, as to not grow stagnant.... 

The Man on the Plane

i don't know whether to be relieved or depressed when I meet a man to whom I am very physically attracted.  one the one hand, i am relieved because it demonstrates again that I am gay.  on the other hand, it depresses me because it reminds me how I am gay. It's a strange to have these feelings juxtposed together. I sat next to a man on the plane for 3 hours, and for lack of a better phrase, i wanted him. a young military guy who was built, friendly, and conversational. holy crap. it drove me nuts. It made me wonder how I would feel if I were in this situation 4 years ago while in the closet.Would closeted guys react, at least 'internally', in the same way to a guy, compared to a man who was fully out? Part of me thinks that being liberated from the closet can be exciting, because it allows me to have these feelings toward a man and not feel ashamed or disgusted.  I most likely while in the closet would have still been attracted to him, but would have been stressed out about it instead of relieved or excited.  So, I guess I'm glad I'm starting to feel more 'out', but it still doesn't make it any easier. Not sure if this ever will be easy. I just hope I can eventually find a partner with whom to share these feelings of uneasiness, love, and uncertainty, so I can at least feel more safe and hopeful.