Pre-Emptive Strikes? If and When to Come Out to a Friend

A few more thoughts as I ponder gayness........ One of my insights hit me square in the eye today when I received a voicemail message from a friend of mine who wanted to call and chat. This is one of my friends who still does not know about my coming out, and I am conflicted about saying something. In a very real way, I feel myself hesitant in calling back because I fear the question about 'who am I dating', and then not being able to even keep a 'poker voice' if/when deciding to avoid the the truth. When does it become unfair to the other person to not reveal your truth? Will they feel saddened that it took this long to even tell them? Will that make them feel akward that they were the last to hear? Will they think that I'm less of a friend to them because it took me this long to wait to tell them? And.. do I even tell them? This issue goes along with the issue I spoke about a while back with my therapist, who challenged me to think about if I were missing out on a relationship because I was avoiding somebody, simply because I feared whether they would question who I was. It's more of an issue of feeling uncomfortable that they are *wondering*, and whether I should do a 'pre-emptive strike', so-to-speak, in order to save face. In one case, this did not work so well, during a conversation with a new friend where I had absolutely no transition into tell him about my coming out, and it created some discomfort, probably more so on my end compared to his end. Sometimes, erroneously, I see sharing intimate informaiton as an opporunity for growth in a friendship or relationship, and I probably should not 'use' this information about myself as an end in itself, just to try to become 'buddy buddy' with somebody.  So, there are certain situations, I think, which are more conducive to sharing this information about one's sexuality, and it's certainly not just a rule of thumb. Unfortunately, I still feel a need to think about what the other person WILL think before opening my mouth, and if it's even going to gain me an ounce of comfort in the future of the friendship since bringing it up. Perhaps the 'don't tell unless asked' is the best policy, as opposed to the pre-emptive strike. I just don't want this fear, which I haven't felt in so long, to creep in and affect a friendship.. And I can tell... that my avoidance of calling this person back is a direct result of that fear, and I'm not sure what I should do about it.