The Attraction is Undeniable

After reading some good stories from the book "Boys Like Us", a collection of essays from gay writers telling their coming out stories, I realize that I have been conciously aware of my gayness for even longer than I had realized........ In all honesty, I think I came out for the first time in the spring of 1998 or 1999, when I had a massive crush on a male friend of mine, and I actually told him I did, which created so much turmoil and terror in myself (even more than him), that I ran into the closet even further, covered up my feelings, created walls and defense mechanisms... which lasted me through my first relationship with a woman, which started in 2001 and ended in 2003 partly as a result of the lack of physical intimacy, mostly on my part of not getting aroused by her.  So, why didn't I just come out then? I do remember walking through the park one day, after having broken up with this woman, and whispering to myself 'Maybe I am gay'; and was quite relieved that I had gotten out of that relationship, but still did not want to admit to myself that I liked guys. I honestly thought it was a phase; and I was hoping and praying that being in a relationship with the right woman would eradicate all of these past emotions I had for a man.... emotions that were undeniably real.. so real that I once threw away all the photos of a trip I took with this friend in order that nobody... most importantly, my girlfriends, would not ask who that person was......  Those insecurities were so palpable... only as much as 4 years ago (1 year before coming out); that it was no wonder I ended up bursting at the seems once I failed once again to get aroused by my , yes, my 4th girlfriend over a 7 year time span. Wow. what was I thinking? what was I doing? Why couldn't I have come to grips with this years ago to avoid all the pain through which I went, as well as my ex-girlfriends? The fears of being a homosexual in a heterosexual world are strong enough to drive a man towards those strong psychological barriers and defenses.. which in a way... if not eventually 'dealt with' can lead to a lifetime of pain and suffering. So, I am glad that I finally have thrown open the closet door. Perhaps at age 24 I was not quite ready to open the closet. Clearly, I was not, since I dealt with my first homosexual feelings with such insecurity and fear.  God, I was so attracted to that man. The fantasies I harbored were so palpable, so obvious.. as I think back. And, to be able to relate in such a deep way to a story written by a gay writer is yet more proof that my attraction to men is undeniable. To be able to relate in such a deep way to this story is in a way, liberating, especially knowing that all those feelings I had growing up and during college, others have had as well. It makes me feel less alienated, and makes the affirmation of my gayness even more real and genuine.. So for that, I am thankful.

Taking Stock; Plus Thoughts on Sex

I read somewhere in one of those 'life coach' books that it's a good habit to 'take stock' of your life every quarter or so. Being the obsessive systems guy, I decided to actually schedule this into my calendar so I force myself to take a step back and examine, objectively, where my life is headed and whether I am pleased with the path, and/or how I can change (or for that matter, NOT change) things. I guess I can start with my career, which is always easiest..... My career couldn't be any better... I really am starting to enjoy the rhythm of teaching, research, and writing... and even better, have figured out a method of balancing my life so that I have boundaries.. which keeps me balanced, mentally sound, as well as productive.  It feels pretty darn good; and lots of hope abounds with upcoming project (which got funded), and an upcoming elective which I am designing, which is going well.

I'm learning both in the workplace and at home, that scheduling in time each day, or periodically, to get long-term projects completed.. is satisfying, especially when I can see the fruits of my labor pay off in good ways. So, I am starting to apply this to my own life as well... for example.. moving into my new house.... instead of immersing myself in renovation projects and unpacking boxes in a frenzy, I methodically place an hour or so aside each day to unpack.. knowing that it will eventually get done. It provides me with a much more methodical, meditative approach to life, and makes me feel productive, since I can go betweeen tasks more easily and not run out of energy.

So, my dating life. OY.... .. or lack thereof.. this is truly a struggle, and something that I just cannot figure out is why EVENINGS of solitude can end up being much more burdensome as opposed to relaxing, which is frustrating.  What I end up doing, especially if I am tired, is getting into a mental 'rut' and start turning to CraigsList, obsessively searching dating sites, getting upset at my circumstances, and really, just getting into a bad mindset of being a 'victim' of my homosexuality... I start thinking negative thoughts about being single, and not having hope for a life with a partner, with a family, with a future 'legacy', and that just wipes me out enough that I just need to go to bed.

I finally am getting to the point, yet again.... (seems like it's taken me about 3 trials) of getting 'tired' of Craigslist.  I had another stupid hookup this weekend; realizing it's a complete waste of time. I mean, especially since it takes 3 hours of persistent ad surfing and countless rejections,,,, and then end up with a guy who doesn't look as hot as my 'fantasy', and then I end up having a miserable and awkward time. This is always what happens, and it's SO bad a habit.. I just kick myself and get depressed. I would say of my handful of hookups, during my 'safe experimenting' phase, maybe 2, at most, really did turn me on. The rest were sketchy, uncomfortable, and made me feel gross. I guess that's par for the course.

I have had a few dates on 'real' dating sites, which led to some hopeful experiences, but did not pan out. It was really nice, though, to have the illusion of hope for a while.. it kept me optimistic about my 'gayness'; but then disallusionment set in soon thereafter where these fun dates were only 1st dates, with not enough substance to really carry on any future friendship, let alone relationship... so I took this as another setback, and got depressed again.

I am trying now, for sure, to try to step away from my constant activities of trying to find dates, and just try to get involved in groups of people doing activities I value. This is really what will bring my 'back' to myself again. I feel like I have just had another 'microjourney' within my overall 'gayness journey' that was disappointing, yet revealing and informative. It keeps getting reinforced that fantasies and realities are most always never consistent with eachother; that many times, guys who are much younger , although hot, may not be able to relate to the types of issues of a 36 year old, hence making deeper conversations and potential relaitonships/dating a rare occurance. I am also learning to try to nurture the friendships/hope that is right in front of me, such as the Gay Catholic group; my being a parishioner at my church; as well as many activities with the Catholic young adult groups in this city.  I was recounting to my therapist this past week that in the past, my turning to Catholic-related activities during times of tranisition always led to positive changes......so I need to trust my past, and go forth trusting God,,, that not *every* group with whom I become involved needs to be a 'gay group'; and not every group with whome I become involved needs to have a purpose of finding a boyfriend..... It seems like such an obvious conclusion, but when you're constantly (or almost constantly) worried or thinking about how difficult it is to be homosexual and find a date, you can lose perspective on your own values, interests... and end up waking up one day realizing that you've placed your hobbies or values on hold, just so you can search for a relationship.  I have searched up and down in the wrong places. At least my hookups have taught me this..... so I can move forward and feel confident that i'm not 'missing out' on anything.. in fact, hook-ups are a bit over-rated, especially when they don't fulfill the intended fantasy. In fact, they can be goddamn depressing, pointless, dangerous, shallow, gross, and disappointing.  The stark comparison of the tone of conversation between 'pre-orgasm' and 'post-orgasm' when you have absolutely nothing to share with the person beyond using them for sex... is very, let's stay, instructive... and demonstrative of how sex in the absence of love and/or intimacy seems like such a mechanical act, where both people know going in, that the point is to get off, and then just get on with your night.  It is sad, really...... I mean, when I was a virgin (to both men, and women), I would have these notions how awesome sex would be.. even if it was a hookup situation. Maybe I'm missing the point, but I don't see it. I hope that somebody I get to have sex with somebody I actually care about or love.. maybe that is when sex will feel a bit more fun, comfortable.. in the meantime. i'll just carry on with my life as an unofficial monk :)

Stopping the Cycle

I had a dream last night that I started falling for a beautiful woman who did not care that I had an attraction to guys, and this was extremely attractive to me, and I remember feeling a sense of security and freedom. These dreams often parallel the random thoughts I have during the day, the latest of which is having this fantasy about maybe this whole 'gay' thing is just made up in my head, and wishing I could just run away from it, and not have to 'work so hard' at it.  It does seem like 'work'. Maybe I need to work on letting go, living my life, and not caring so much about how to 'improve' my situation, or think about the circumstances or implications for my sexual preferences.  Letting go and surrendering is one of the most difficult things one can do.  It may help to realize that I have multiple other hobbies, a dynamic job, positive outlets for making new friends, a supportive family.. which should boost my morale into thinking that I don't have it all that bad, and that sexuality, if it leads to being single for (a lifetime?) perhaps, that I should just let it go and be thankful for what I have.  It's time to start turning my negative thoughts into positive ones so I can stop the negative thinking cycle.

Re-Focus

I'm having some pretty substantive counseling sessions the past couple of visits, which are quite startling and a little sobering to me.... mostly because they do regard issues where I truly am limiting myself, and if I don't change my behavior, I could end up creating my own suffering. Let me share a case in point in order to illustrate. So, I come in with a chief complaint that it is very difficult to meet men, and I'm having difficulty, and am frustrated and almost despondent over how to even go about this.  As we talked through things, I was able to identify some of my irrational thoughts about dating guys: 1) I don't like the idea of dating older guys; 2) older guys would not want to consider adopting or having a family.  Then my therapist pointed out that my intellectual/relationship needs may point toward being in a relationship with a guy who is older...; and also dispelled my own irrational thoughts about the adopting/having a family; which many older guys (even in the heterosexual world) end up taking up later in life. So, I walked out therapy realizing that my own thoughts and judgements are preventing me from expanding my horizons, and I'm the only person who has the ability to change these horizons in order to improve my situation. So in a way, I do need to change in order to expand, and I do have issues to work out still in order to improve the quality of my life. Not that this is any surprise to me, but it's a little sobering, but also relieving, to be able to identify a few key factors that could be preventing me from reaching my potential.   Another idea we explored more was my ambivlance toward becoming involved in Catholic groups, and my hangup being I would not meet any guys, and I could be ostracized because of my views or my own sexuality.  I honestly am putting aside multiple opportunities for Catholic groups in Kansas City, for no known reason.... i think it's mostly because of the fear of being rejected, or maybe a feeling of hopelessness of finding a 'guy' that would occur once I start connecting with a group like this. But again, this is irrational... because if what I am trying to acheive in life, at least for now, is connecting with a group and feeling a part of a community, reaching out to the young adult Catholic group may be just what I need, similar to what I did in my 'prior lives' when transitioning to new cities, new schools, new professional roles.  Something always came of this... these decisions to become involved in the young adult Catholic group. Those things were rather big, if I recall... My decision to join the Catholic group in college led to a trajectory of new friendships and an ability to dig out of my prior depression and poor social circumstances. My decision to join the Catholic group during my post-doctoral fellowship led to a new set of friends, as well as a large growth in the ability to apply my faith to my life, which ultimately led to coming out, and a new trajectory of self-actualization. So, of what am I so fearful?

So, this is what to do next.....

I found yet another dating site...... and what is so crazy is that one sees the same people over and over on the same sites..... which can be encouraging because it lets me know that I'm trying to pull out all the stops just like everybody else.. And hence begins, another fishing expedition that mostly ends up with nothing. I go in with complete skepticism, despite all the good candy adorning the walls......... We will see if this ends up leading anywhere........ .. one can only hope...

What's next? How do I get there?

I feel like I have run out of options for meeting guys.  I can run down the list, and say things have not worked.  Match.com does not work, except that I have met one friend.  Craigslist definitely does NOT work, except on platonic section I have met a friend.  Plentyoffish only worked a couple of times, but the guys are so young, and never write back consistently.  I could go on and on about how I'm not meeting the right people, and how I don't know where to go next.  I literally do not know where to go. I am out of places. My networking is running dry, and I am feeling hopeless.... Maybe I should just not try to date? Maybe I should expand my social venues to include straight groups doing activities like community service or hiking/outdoors? I do not 'have a group' right now. Am I doing something wrong? Should I be networking a different way, or else I'll just go along and meet nobody? Where do I go? Who do I talk to? The problem with the new, current gay friends I have made is that I am always the one doing all the inviting, and pressing forth all the energy....... The tough thing about the gay world is that 1) one must first find out where the gay guys are; 2) then you have to navigate between just wanting to be pals versus wanting something more; 3) then you have to deal with the general 'guy' attitudes of not following up; being self-centered; and being idiots. After you've completed all the navigating, you've used a litmus test to basically rule every guy out, with nobody else to date, unless you put aside your own values in order to just get some action, and feel like you're being loved by somebody. I have no fucking clue what to do anymore.  My solutions could be 1) just start showing up to these gay events and introducing myself; 2) start marketing myself like everybody else in order to capture somebody's attention. Here is the crux of the issue: with the time that I do have outside of work, do I spend the time in a venue that increases my likelihood of meeting a partner? Or do I spend it in an activity that is related to my values/interests? I just don't want to wake up 5 years from now and still not have a plan, a partner, a life..... that I have envisioned right now....