Taking Stock; Plus Thoughts on Sex

I read somewhere in one of those 'life coach' books that it's a good habit to 'take stock' of your life every quarter or so. Being the obsessive systems guy, I decided to actually schedule this into my calendar so I force myself to take a step back and examine, objectively, where my life is headed and whether I am pleased with the path, and/or how I can change (or for that matter, NOT change) things. I guess I can start with my career, which is always easiest..... My career couldn't be any better... I really am starting to enjoy the rhythm of teaching, research, and writing... and even better, have figured out a method of balancing my life so that I have boundaries.. which keeps me balanced, mentally sound, as well as productive.  It feels pretty darn good; and lots of hope abounds with upcoming project (which got funded), and an upcoming elective which I am designing, which is going well.

I'm learning both in the workplace and at home, that scheduling in time each day, or periodically, to get long-term projects completed.. is satisfying, especially when I can see the fruits of my labor pay off in good ways. So, I am starting to apply this to my own life as well... for example.. moving into my new house.... instead of immersing myself in renovation projects and unpacking boxes in a frenzy, I methodically place an hour or so aside each day to unpack.. knowing that it will eventually get done. It provides me with a much more methodical, meditative approach to life, and makes me feel productive, since I can go betweeen tasks more easily and not run out of energy.

So, my dating life. OY.... .. or lack thereof.. this is truly a struggle, and something that I just cannot figure out is why EVENINGS of solitude can end up being much more burdensome as opposed to relaxing, which is frustrating.  What I end up doing, especially if I am tired, is getting into a mental 'rut' and start turning to CraigsList, obsessively searching dating sites, getting upset at my circumstances, and really, just getting into a bad mindset of being a 'victim' of my homosexuality... I start thinking negative thoughts about being single, and not having hope for a life with a partner, with a family, with a future 'legacy', and that just wipes me out enough that I just need to go to bed.

I finally am getting to the point, yet again.... (seems like it's taken me about 3 trials) of getting 'tired' of Craigslist.  I had another stupid hookup this weekend; realizing it's a complete waste of time. I mean, especially since it takes 3 hours of persistent ad surfing and countless rejections,,,, and then end up with a guy who doesn't look as hot as my 'fantasy', and then I end up having a miserable and awkward time. This is always what happens, and it's SO bad a habit.. I just kick myself and get depressed. I would say of my handful of hookups, during my 'safe experimenting' phase, maybe 2, at most, really did turn me on. The rest were sketchy, uncomfortable, and made me feel gross. I guess that's par for the course.

I have had a few dates on 'real' dating sites, which led to some hopeful experiences, but did not pan out. It was really nice, though, to have the illusion of hope for a while.. it kept me optimistic about my 'gayness'; but then disallusionment set in soon thereafter where these fun dates were only 1st dates, with not enough substance to really carry on any future friendship, let alone relationship... so I took this as another setback, and got depressed again.

I am trying now, for sure, to try to step away from my constant activities of trying to find dates, and just try to get involved in groups of people doing activities I value. This is really what will bring my 'back' to myself again. I feel like I have just had another 'microjourney' within my overall 'gayness journey' that was disappointing, yet revealing and informative. It keeps getting reinforced that fantasies and realities are most always never consistent with eachother; that many times, guys who are much younger , although hot, may not be able to relate to the types of issues of a 36 year old, hence making deeper conversations and potential relaitonships/dating a rare occurance. I am also learning to try to nurture the friendships/hope that is right in front of me, such as the Gay Catholic group; my being a parishioner at my church; as well as many activities with the Catholic young adult groups in this city.  I was recounting to my therapist this past week that in the past, my turning to Catholic-related activities during times of tranisition always led to positive changes......so I need to trust my past, and go forth trusting God,,, that not *every* group with whom I become involved needs to be a 'gay group'; and not every group with whome I become involved needs to have a purpose of finding a boyfriend..... It seems like such an obvious conclusion, but when you're constantly (or almost constantly) worried or thinking about how difficult it is to be homosexual and find a date, you can lose perspective on your own values, interests... and end up waking up one day realizing that you've placed your hobbies or values on hold, just so you can search for a relationship.  I have searched up and down in the wrong places. At least my hookups have taught me this..... so I can move forward and feel confident that i'm not 'missing out' on anything.. in fact, hook-ups are a bit over-rated, especially when they don't fulfill the intended fantasy. In fact, they can be goddamn depressing, pointless, dangerous, shallow, gross, and disappointing.  The stark comparison of the tone of conversation between 'pre-orgasm' and 'post-orgasm' when you have absolutely nothing to share with the person beyond using them for sex... is very, let's stay, instructive... and demonstrative of how sex in the absence of love and/or intimacy seems like such a mechanical act, where both people know going in, that the point is to get off, and then just get on with your night.  It is sad, really...... I mean, when I was a virgin (to both men, and women), I would have these notions how awesome sex would be.. even if it was a hookup situation. Maybe I'm missing the point, but I don't see it. I hope that somebody I get to have sex with somebody I actually care about or love.. maybe that is when sex will feel a bit more fun, comfortable.. in the meantime. i'll just carry on with my life as an unofficial monk :)