Nakedness

Nakedness. I want to talk more about this. LOL.  I'm not sure whether I did this more as an experiment, or half wanted to hookup, but another site online that is maybe a few steps above CL, and includes people that want to hookup as well as those looking for a regular relationship, allows people to post anything.. including nakedness. Well, i created an alternative profile... anonymous... and placed, lets say, an NC-17 version pic  because, OK. i admit,, maybe I wanted to hook-up.

This is the game that some gays play... ...

Well shit. flooded email box one day later.

Crazy. 99% of them of emailed me looked completely crazy. They were all naked too. :)  Haaa. Some were gross; some were punk-ass; some were hot; but all were weird.  1 guy looked like a decent man, he actually had clothes on.

But I had this acute awareness, though.. a few of the guys who did email me, did not share the. Ahem..... same NC-17 version photos, but more, PG or even G rated photos.  When I emailed one of the guys, in earnest, saying 'hey man, would be cool to get to know you'; it hit me that I had just walked up naked to a guy, and asked him out.  How could he take me seriously if I was naked?

Another insight from the world of internet dating / hookups.

I Sent Her To More Than Just A Cardiologist.....

haahaa. so, all in one night, I man-crushed on a straight guy, I came out to a college friend over email, and I got a returned email from a very cool and handsome looking guy who I've been corresponding with over email. Not bad, eh?

One of the strange things about last night.. I went to a fundraiser happy hour, and totally noticed that the gay dudes were segregating themselves in a corner, while I was having a great time just chatting with the straight guys... the place where I felt much more comfortable. It was a strange feeling, knowing that 'my kind' was over in the corner......... One of the guys I recognized from online dating site, and noted how outdated his photo was. LOL. One of the guys was actually pretty cute.

One of the other odd things about last night was coming out to the friend over email.. which i was totally not expecting. Being buzzed probably did not help, but .... I was still following by 'Don't Tell Unless Asked' policy,, and the question was ' so, are you having fun with the ladies and breaking their hearts, sending them to the cardiologist?"  Loved it! It was such a shoe-in question. I said in a jovial, conversational, off the cuff manner...   'Well, I have had my share of girlfriends in the past few years, but I think instead of sending them to the cardiologist, i sent my last one to the psychiatrist'...  and then said that I came out 3 years ago.

Part of me feels 'naked' after coming out.. unexpectedly.  Feeling like I revealed too much; feeling bad that the other person will feel awkward and not know what to think. Is it fair to come out over email to somebody you haven't seen in years? Well, if you won't see that person in years anyhow, maybe it is the appropriate thing, We are in the internet age now, right?

My man crush on the gay man (much more productive than my man crush on a straight man) is proceeding well, as he globetrots around the Asia recruiting for a university, we exchange emails every week or so, and I look forward to his updates.  I just admit,, I have become so jaded about this online dating, given that so few people have accountability lately, that I figured that his not writing back was just a sign that he was not interested. It's nice to have these surprises, and keeps the hope alive.

Go Gays!

Where is my slice of the pie?

When will I ever learn, and when will I just stop setting myself up for these failures and stupidities? I feel weak, that I can't go a week without my meds, without slumping down into my bad habits, self-deprecation, and doldrums... fuck, of course the triggers are well known: this obsessive need to be connected with a man, and intimacy... misdirected to hookups gone awry, which sets me into a tailspin, and here we are again. Fuck.

I'm just going to resign myself to the fact that I have mental health issues, and that NOT taking the meds can bring me into dangerous territory, which then has negative externalities on the rest of my life. getting up too late, getting my day started too slowly, allowing the negativeity of my relationship obsession take over the rest of my awareness for the entire morning, stealing my attention away from the things that really do matter.

Fuck it. I'll take the meds permanently. Screw the pipedream that said I would not need them. It's more than just the sexuality, I think I do have tendency for manic/depression, even however so minor... triggered by obsessive thoughts. It fucking tires me out. My brain keeps going and going and going when I'm in Negative Land, and doesn't let me stop, and soon my whole outlook on my life starts to quickly dim. Not healthy.

I want a break from all of this. I want to just be happy.... a contentment type of happy.. that I see of couples with families, kids, etc.. Where is my slice of the pie? What can I do to improve my situation?

Insights from Medications: Pre and Post

After I resigned myself to again taking a small dose of medication every other day, I can already tell a difference in my mental state.  Even though I can also feel a difference in my sexual drive, only within 6 days of starting a dose that is 1/4 of what I took before.. I must say that having a quieted, non-racing mind all day may be worth the slightly less libido. A few things I have noticed... first, I'm able to take on and enjoy my hobbies, still with creativity and perseverance.. at the same time, triggers which would have last week set me into a downward spiral, seem to slide off my back, which is a great feeling of empowerment.  The fear of being less creative and less focused without medications was a false prediction.... Although my creativity was in high gear, my feelings and goals were more erratic. In contrast, now I feel more focused, grounded, and relaxed.. and this is just at 10mg every other day, which ends up being thus far a nice balanced dose. So despite my pride of being off medications, I realize that this past summer, with no medications, my emotions were more erratic, I fell back into bad habits again, and my emotions were more prone to be affected by my environment. Now, although I could most likely survive without the medications, it comes with a price: it takes much more energy and behavioral change to stave off the anxiety and depression. With the medications, it becomes almost effortless, and as a result, can focus my energies on career, relationships, success, and quality of life.

Back to Myself

I have had a much better week.... coming back from vacation, I was able to get back into the swing of my job, turn in a grant, and reconnect with colleagues.  I must say that despite my perceived slump of my dating / personal life, I feel extremely fortunate to be so passionate about my career. When I speak to new people I meet about my research and teaching experiences, I light up. This is truly a good sign, compared to prior experiences when asked about my research analyst job, I was much less animated.

I'm not quite sure why my levels of hope are elevated now compared to last week... perhaps because I have begun to correspond with a handsome and intelligent guy on okcupid.com, or maybe because I finally have my energy back after a crazy busy 4 weeks of lecture prep, grants, and vacation; or maybe because I have decided it's OK to take small doses of my medications again... These combined together has led to a good recovery.... and even better, has led to sense of hope again, which I perceived as being completely lost just about 4 days ago.

I sit here with my morning coffee, and my plans for the day, and have no qualms or complaints. Not a bad way to begin my weekend: in peace, solitude, and a sense of hope.

Back to Working Through Problems

fuck i feel like an exhauhsted, worn out idiot with no control over my emotions. Fuck. what am I doing and how did i get into this state of mind? I honestly do not know. my mind is completely overwhelmed and fried right now, to the point where I cannot even chill out.... it's like a permanent headache.... which is overstimulated with worries, fantasies, anxieties, and overindulgence. fuck. fuck. fuck. i'm isolated, worn out, alone, no energy, no control, just in a state of disarray and confusion with how and why i got into this depression episode. how did it build up to this? what happened? how could I have prevented this? how do i get out of this funk and know that happiness is still around the coirner? first, i found out that the guy i had a crush on is married, so at least i can put him out of my head. but  i'm worried about how such small things are blown out of proportion. was it a combination of exhaustion from work, leading into a stressful first part of the trip, and finally when i get to a point of relaxing, i get depressed instead? if i were on my meds would none of this have happened? '

right now, i feel like i'm screaming for attention, love, intimacy, that all these sirens are going off that I realize that I have to deal with these issues which are causing self-destructive behavior. would being on the meds prevent this self-descrutive cycle, which can be triggered by being really tired and exhausted? would the meds help prevent me from getting to that state of exhaustion? hence help me with boundaries? it seems like right now that my mind ramps up with no boundaries, and i just let myself wear out, upon which i crash. if i were on the meds again, maybe i would prevent the ramping up, which would again, prevent crashes. i don't know. i'm depressed that i have to go back on the meds again, b/c feels like i'm a bit defeated; that i can't do this on my own... but maybe this is a very important sign; that i had to go through all of this shit this weekend to realize that meds could prevent self-destruction, and help me get through what seems to be impossible hopeless situations,, when maybe that is just a perception that is exaggerated by the chemical imbalance.

i cannot afford to have these setbacks in academia, b/c my productivity relies upon my sound mental health. if i don't snap out of this by Tuesday, when I need to pretty much finish my grant... i'm gonna have some serious problems. i honestly had a couple of anxiety attacks and crying spells that i haven't had in months. i need to work on this again.. in a serious way .

Evasion

Cannot find that peaceful spot,
A yearning for something deeper creates a sorrow
Sorrow, not tears.
But sorrow and contemplation

A feeling of disallusionment
Squelched only by returning back,
After retreat, back to urbane normalcy.

Fantasies floating before me
Yet not realized
How to build a fruitful reality
The foundation of hope
Evades me

Re-visiting Emotional Turbulence

My emotional states as of late have been turbulent and unpredictable, begun by self-imposed fantasies or over-reacted rejections, that through a seemingly false hope, a melancholic mood sets in, without avail.  Of course, when this happens during a vacation, when I am supposed to be enjoying myself, it is of the utmost frustration, because I begin thinking about 1) whether these 'mood streams' constantly exist, and I am just covering them up with being busy with my job; 2) whether I need start taking my anti-depressants again ;3) wondering how I can soothe my mind during these times of solitude so as to not drive myself insane about my predicaments of being a single gay man seemingly facing obstacles after obstacles in trying to meet quality men with whom I feel comfortable.

Which leads me to speak of my own ideal man.... somebody who would enjoy taking adventures to Maine, or Seattle, somebody who would feel comfortable raising a family together; somebody who values family; who wants to build a life together; feel connected to life in a very real way.

Perhaps some of the pain I am feeling now is a result of my searching for that deep peace and foundation, which I find it difficult to find as a single man, especially as an extrovert who needs energy.  The very real Adonis moments of this past weekend speak to my own truths through these momentary tastes or brushes with fantasies taking place within real time.. It is good because these incidents force me to be acutely aware of sexuality, a confirmation as well as an affirmation.  But, at the same time, these incidents remind me how distant I feel currently from the reality I am trying to create, and the uncertainty of when my life will unfold into a more fulfilling existence.

I look around during my reunion this weekend, and notice a sense of peace and serenity of the faces of many. I also notice a sense of joy on my own face, a joy noticed and recognized and acknowledged by others.  But simultaneously, I feel the juxtaposition of melancholic restlessness and subtle sorrow, which are not strong enough to lead to tears, but are not weak enough to be sloughed off with the brush of a hand.  It leads me to tough position, wondering how can I maintain my mental health with both these co-existing emotions, emotions supposedly caused by my inability to find peace and contentment within my own solitude?

I cannot shake this sometimes, and I wonder why my spirit is so acutely affected by triggers..... and saddens me to think that I need to go back to medications to assist my mental health balance. Although I do enjoy my emotional highs, my mid-ranges and lows leave a lot to be desired, and also leave me exhausted. 

I am not sure what to do. One foot in front of the other.... continuing.... down this path..

Distractions from Adonis

My mancrush anecdotes are starting to sound more and more like those I read in biographies by gay writers, speaking of their fantasies and experiences during their early coming out years. I'm conflicted as to whether I should be frustrated or rejoicing that I have these mancrush moments that seem to set me off, then crash me within the length of a day, or more, if I don't watch myself.

My latest incident begins on a ship off the coast of Maine,. a beautiful 25-year old with long black hair, sporting the surfer dude look, with a fantastic smile and wonderful, warm, and welcoming personality. I can't help but check him out as I'm mingling amongst others on the boat. He notices my looking at him a few times, and shoots a smile back to me several times, and I shyly look away.... but finally get close enough to him to introduce myself (again) and strike up a conversation. I can't help it. I think this guy is just so hot, I can't help but try to become his friend. During the van ride to our final destination, we sit next to eachother and I get to feel his torso against my shoulder, and we get to talk about a few things, my career; his career; his family; and the eye contact, with body contact was enough to make my heart race. I knew that I was getting myself into trouble, simply setting myself up for another crash, thinking about this guy, attracted in a huge way, only having known him for 10 minutes.

I think about 1 song that capture this moments. The song, by Eddie From Ohio, lyrics talk about a guy at a stoplight that looks over and sees a gorgeous woman in the car next to him; upon which he starts cooking up a fantasy life of them together, moving in, getting married, having kids... within the course of 10 minutes glancing at her from his car.

The second series of moments or interactions with my dream guy were not as hopeful, and hence, led to a crash. According to my 'stoplight fantasy' we were going to be sitting next to eachother drinking some beers around the campfire, and having more deep conversations, which would lead to deeper connections. In the real world, it played out much differently, with not even any small talk, and my awkwardness to even approach him before we departed ways. And, his departure from the dinner party with a woman was pretty much a big blow to my entire 'stoplight fantasy'.

This second series of moments reminds me of a movie that was just so striking and moving that I still remember it to this day. A married man, about my age, was on vacation with his wife and other families, during which he met the beautiful son of a friend of his, who happens to be a model. He was smokin' hot and unbelievably good looking.  The married man, who had met this son  years before, and perhaps had a crush on him then, is suddenly enamored with this beautiful 20-something Adonis, and he becomes so obssessed with him, that he hangs out with him alone on the beach whenever he could get away from his wife and friends. His fantasies about making love this this model were intense, intense enough to drive him to depressions and sadness when he thought he was not in reach. He would always look for the Adonis, during parties, and such, and he just ached for him, but could not have him. This acheing led to him drowning his sorry in alcohol and masterbation, to try to get this very real attraction out of his system....

One of the most intense moments was when the model was alone on the beach one night, under the full moon, taking a dip..... and the married man stumbles upon him, and they have a moment of locking eyes, and glancing at eachother's bodies, the moment was so beautifullly portrayed, I could feel the emotions in my own gut, the attractions, the empathy. The last scene of the movie, the man ends up sleeping with the Adonis, in a scene that was so unbelievably romantic, scandalous, and steamy, it just gripped me.....

So, being the hopeless romantic that I am, caught between fantasy and reality, this brief meeting of this guy this past weekend led to a whirlwind of privately held fantasies and emotions that swept me up into hope, then crashed me by the rocks.  A seemingly ridiculous set of emotions that are on the one hand, self-imposed, but on the other, very difficult to rid myself of during these moments of up and down emotion.

The only thing I can do about these moments of seemingly endless wandering, pondering, and heart ache are to immerse myself into music and writing; or construct a distraction such as work, or dinners with friends, or interaction with strangers at dinner party.

Random Skybar: WTF?

I feel like I am in 'no man's land' with no instruction book. What gives?  My first earnest attempt to get myself out there into the gay scene consequently ends up with my leaving the gay bar with a *girl* to go out for  drinks and appetizers. Needless to say, nothing happened (well..... actually... just some innocent kissing and boob touching), except for a rip roaring headache this morning spinning with confusion and frustration saying 'WTF?'

The evening's events most likely transpired in this way because a) I felt much more comfortable hanging out with this girl compared to the other guys at the gay bar; b) I was a little buzzed; c) the girl liked me; d) I half-thought that maybe I would be attracted to her. Parts C and D were the clinchers, I believe.  The first problem was she liked me, and was only somewhat convinced I was gay.  The second problem was I liked her on at least a platonic level, and I wanted to think I was attracted to her, especially if she had doubts that I was gay. Perfect combination for an awkward evening of drinks and appetizers at the swankiest bar in town: Hyatt Skybar.

The first stop of the evening was her apartment, so she could change into her little black dress. Since I'm gay, of course, she invites me into her room as she proceeds to bare it all.  Bummer that I wasn't horny for her.... really a bummer... because I was rationalizing out loud with her on the car ride to her apartment that I perhaps was not gay. In hindsight, it was a totally absurd conversation. Why am I speaking with a complete stranger about my sexual orientation?

Since we did not end up having sex, in this situation in which many other straight guys most likely would have done, I felt a bit of disappointment in air between us, which led to some awkwardness.  I felt a bit depressed that I couldn't do more for her, and I couldn't tell if she was disappointed in me for that very thing. Nonetheless, we ended up going on this 'date' to the Skybar, and upon arriving, she bumps into the guy she hooked up with the night before.

Awkward, funny, and random.

WTF was I doing at Skybar with a girl who just got naked in front of me 15 minutes prior to that? I half-wanted to just go home, because I felt she was trying to lead me on despite my insistence on being gay. It was a very weird experience. I wish I could say it was 'hot, spontaneous, and fun', but I guess because I'm gay, it was 'weird, random, and fun, with a little awkwardness mixed in.

Getting Out of the Slump

The difference in my attitudes, levels of hope, and happiness are like night and day when comparing, say, my nights and days :)  Last night, for example.... after a full day of good productive writing, I come home to relax, and start into my self-sabotage of craigslist hunting (although thank god no hookups), and jumping into the black hole of self-doubt and hopelessness to which I turn to sex as a temporary medicine. Not good.

Fuck. Who am I, and why do I do this to myself? It's like I have two different selves competing with one another during my moments of darkness, doubt, and exhaustion: the one who is hopeful for his future as a gay man, and the one who is doubtful and fearful for his future of a gay man.  I feel like my spirit is downtrodden as I see other folks on Facebook with their happy faces, their kids, their fun lives moving forward. Then, during my emotional slumps, I start to think of the negative thoughts again, and it's all down hill from there.

The main issues here come down to: meeting people. But I also realize that I may be sabotaging myself by not partaking in the events right in front of my face. First, I live in a city that is full of music venues. Second, I have all the free time in the world to partake in my hobbies. So, why do I end up being a complete loser on some nights? Third, I have so many friends (at least in the straight world) that I don't understand why I am so fucking worried about my social life. I do not know. I think it's more about 'building a future' with somebody. I am on quite a hopeful roll right now with regards to building a future with my 'career', but not so much any plans for the relationship side, which depresses me and pisses me off, and makes me get all depressed about my situation again.

I'm pretty good at repressing these issues..... by burying myself in work, and hobbies. Which, is a good thing, partly, but it sucks having that other part of me feeling empty and needy.  And, I think I'm not the only gay man out there feeling that way, and compared to others, I think I have my wits about me, with a good head on my shoulders.. but Shit.... to find a date, for God's sake.. or to find a venue where I'm at least meeting other like minded guys who can hang out regularly (i.e: just call them up and say 'want to grab a beer') is something I seriously want.... but WTF?!?

I guess the equivalent for a heterosexual male is to just hang out with the guys (as friends), and he can feel connected, at least if not in a committed relationship. Does that mean the equivalent for a gay male is to just hang out with the girls (as friends)?

I theorize as follows: when a heterosexual guy hangs out with a heterosexual girl (as just a friend), sometimes sexual tension or expectations may be ambiguous, at least if they are not super close.  Similarly, when a homosexual guy hangs out with another homosexual guy (as just a friend), you don't necessarily know the nature of the relationship unless you *talk* about it, which is difficult for guys. It would be much easier if you know upfront the structure and expectations, which I guess is what a 'dating' is about.

So, as I realize the dead ends of online dating, and even potentially volunteering in the gay community, these are some of the things I really AM going to start doing upon return from my vacation. I need to realize that meeting new people can come from a variety of venues, not just GAY ones.

Gay and Non-Gay List of activities:

1) Catholic group events
2) Live music events (Jazz downtown; university groups and concerts)
3) My own party (in process... but maybe a gay party too?)
4) Start a dining group for male gay professionals (LOL.. sounds like a bunch of strippers)
5) Get in touch with friends who are in theater.
6) Commit to going on hiking and day trips during weekends that I'm not working
7) Get in touch with my other friends on are 'on deck' if you will for hanging out next.
8) Volunteer again for a different venue, but not on a committee.. more for 1 time volunteering, etc.
9) Continue habitat for humanity.
10) showing up at gay bars by myself? (or finding some friends I know, to organize a hang out group to go out?)

It's sad that I actually have to make a list of possibilities.. I mean, fuck, so much for being spontaneous,, but really, this feels kind of like a 'project'... getting actively involved in the community like this to find other guys who I could potentially meet. It's like an underground world out there, which requires taking initiative and not just sitting around on my ass, feeling sorry for myself, and waiting for something to happen.

I do realize that I have tried things before that did not work out (i.e: Craigslist, online dating, gay cowboy dancing, committee work for large gay events) and did work out (gay Catholic group, meeting some random friends on CL or match.com, and going on a date or two); the latter of which were mostly for meeting friends.

The question becomes: to what extent to I keep playing the game, without putting so much into it that I get emotionally exhausted or hurt? I mean, one stupid thing is that you can only contact so many folks on on on-line dating venue and get rejected so many times before you start thinking something is wrong with YOU. I mean, fuck, I have chased off and on the same couple of people on different dating sites, only to get a non-committal responses, but will only contact them AGAIN later just because I think they're cute, and not get the fucking clue that they don't want anything to do with me. I mean, part of me thinks.. why did they contact me back in the first place if they aren't interested? Fuck, it's better just to ignore the person than to lead them on into endless emails that lead nowhere.

Yes, I have some bitterness still... and I fear that if I don't do something more creative and 'ballsy' to meet folks, that the bitterness (which I am SO good at REPRESSING) will start eroding my hope to the point where I become one of those bitter 40-something gay dudes who just have nothing good to say about dating and being in a committed relationship.

At least, though, through all of this: at least I am not depressed about the fact that I AM gay, I'm just depressed about the CIRCUMSTANCES , and all the extra baggage that comes along with BEING gay.

My God. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to repress my bitterness and keep moving forward?
Well, let me get back to my 'other' self, who is more hopeful, into hobbies, and music,,, so I can get on with my beautiful day.

Until next time...

Getting Tired of This Shit

I just don't get it.. Sometimes I feel like I missed the fucking gay memo on where all the action is; how are people meeting each other? I'm giving the fuck up. But I don't want to give up, because I want to be loved, and give love. I hate this. All the cliches about 'oh you'll meet somebody', blah blah blah are total fucking bullshit in the gay world. How can the rest of my life feel so fulfilling, and this very important part, although sexuality is just a small part of my life... it does pervade into other parts.. I mean, I know that i have other parts of me that make up my personality and hobbies, and spirit.. but it's the sexuality component that leads to the relationships, the families, the feeling connected to somebody in a very special way. and THAT is what I fear I don't know how to find, if I'm going about it right, if there even is a WAY to go about it, and how the fuck to stop worrying about it if there is indeed nothing I can do about it.. ... So, i can go for an entire 10 days or so, and not be horny, think about sex, or think about that other neglected side of me. Then, when I get tired after a long day, it's ALL I can think about. What is it about this struggle that drives me so crazy? Honestly, I have absolutely no control over this situation. except I could go to bars. by myself. and not give a shit. that takes some serious BALLS. So, I guess I haven' tried EVERYTHING, but I have just tried everything within my comfort zone. I really start to get envious when I see other gay guys out there, who may have 1/2 as much to offer as I do, in terms of compassion, smarts, and good looks.. and they are the ones in the relationship. Why the fuck is this so hard, and why can't I get a date? Find guys? Find friends to go to bars with, at least? I am TIRED of feeling ISOLATED.