Back to Working Through Problems

fuck i feel like an exhauhsted, worn out idiot with no control over my emotions. Fuck. what am I doing and how did i get into this state of mind? I honestly do not know. my mind is completely overwhelmed and fried right now, to the point where I cannot even chill out.... it's like a permanent headache.... which is overstimulated with worries, fantasies, anxieties, and overindulgence. fuck. fuck. fuck. i'm isolated, worn out, alone, no energy, no control, just in a state of disarray and confusion with how and why i got into this depression episode. how did it build up to this? what happened? how could I have prevented this? how do i get out of this funk and know that happiness is still around the coirner? first, i found out that the guy i had a crush on is married, so at least i can put him out of my head. but  i'm worried about how such small things are blown out of proportion. was it a combination of exhaustion from work, leading into a stressful first part of the trip, and finally when i get to a point of relaxing, i get depressed instead? if i were on my meds would none of this have happened? '

right now, i feel like i'm screaming for attention, love, intimacy, that all these sirens are going off that I realize that I have to deal with these issues which are causing self-destructive behavior. would being on the meds prevent this self-descrutive cycle, which can be triggered by being really tired and exhausted? would the meds help prevent me from getting to that state of exhaustion? hence help me with boundaries? it seems like right now that my mind ramps up with no boundaries, and i just let myself wear out, upon which i crash. if i were on the meds again, maybe i would prevent the ramping up, which would again, prevent crashes. i don't know. i'm depressed that i have to go back on the meds again, b/c feels like i'm a bit defeated; that i can't do this on my own... but maybe this is a very important sign; that i had to go through all of this shit this weekend to realize that meds could prevent self-destruction, and help me get through what seems to be impossible hopeless situations,, when maybe that is just a perception that is exaggerated by the chemical imbalance.

i cannot afford to have these setbacks in academia, b/c my productivity relies upon my sound mental health. if i don't snap out of this by Tuesday, when I need to pretty much finish my grant... i'm gonna have some serious problems. i honestly had a couple of anxiety attacks and crying spells that i haven't had in months. i need to work on this again.. in a serious way .