These Movies Speak to the Truth

I watched another gay movie tonight.. this is three in the past month..... and I really do like these movies. They play upon the themes of my own struggles, and taps into my truths, my pain, my soul..... and allows me to take ownership of who I am, and who I am becoming.  The chords strike so true that I cry. I am brought back to parts of my journey, and the unique path that has been put in front of me. I want that community, that feeling of love... I want to be loved in a deep and intimate way.. and for now, I must hold on and wait... and believe it will happen... the right man will be in my life. And, I am so relieved that I am starting to visualize this type of scenario, which before, to me, seemed troubling, wrong, and impossible.

Snapping Out of the Doldrums

The evenings are always much more difficult for me when I am relaxed and am not motivated to do any of my hobbies, reading, or extracurricular activities. I get hung up on my loneliness. The next morning I feel like an idiot because I could have used that time to do the hobbies and activities that I enjoy, and claim I never have time to do! Why does this happen? The cycles of emotions.  I need to have some type of mechanism for 'snapping out' of my doldrums when they indeed occur.  I mean, the entry last night, however poetic, was pretty morose and depressing. The mind is a powerful thing and getting entrapped in your own emotions can be dangerous and counterproductive.

Soulful Limbo

I feel alone. It is silent, and my thoughts are not confident, not hopeful. I feel slow and alone with no control in how to change my circumstances... I get scared about dating, but want dating. I fantasize, but I hypothesize... and I wonder... where is this all going. It is Christmas Eve and I feel alone. It is silent, and my thoughts are not at peace, but are worried, with no place to settle in for a warm night's sleep.  I search for an intimacy with another being, that does not keep me alone in a blanket, with swimming wandering thoughts that lead me to fear something I do not know, or do not have.... to fear the very thing I do have: which is aloneness... How does it get easier, and how does one cope with solitude, knowing the future is uncertain; knowing that one's actions cannot lead you to the place which should provide you peace. It's a restlessness that causes a sadness, a sadness that is deeper in the soul, a worn sadness which has been pacing for years, with no answers.  When sadness cannot shed a tear, it is worn. To not know where to turn, it remains in soulful limbo.

Musings of Angst

It's like an ache that hits the pit of the stomach when a cute, handsome, athletic, and friendly man walks into a room. An attraction that cannot be denied. The ache is exacerbated by negative thoughts of not being able to find a man, fufill this need for male intimacy.  The ache reminds me of the challenges of my current state of being, brings me back to the conundrum of being a gay man in a straight society.  The ache brings me back to the cold truths of the circumstances that I must face with confidence, patience, and clarity. I cannot say it is easy, but I can say that these moments in time remind me of how far I have come, as well as how far I have to go, before acheiving a sense of peace that will set my heart free.

Self-Awareness Of a More 'Purified' State of Mind

My goal is to cease taking my anti-anxiety medications, which I began taking 2.5 years ago in response to my coming out crisis, in conjunction with all my other life's difficulties happening concurrently, including purchasing a house, breaking up from my girlfriend, and coping with an awful, career-halting, job as a research analyst.

As I have slowly dosed down over the past 2 months, I have noticed very subtle, yet important, changes in my mood and behaviors. First, I tend to get emotional much more quickly, whether that is anger, irritation, stress, sadness, or horniness.  Second, my thought patterns are much 'faster' now, increasing my ability to be more productive and creative as a professor on my writings and research plans and strategies.  The latter is unbelievably cool; the former is a bit cumbersome. I figure that with my heightened awareness of my boundaries, I will be able to deal with the first issue (emotional turbulence) using preventivie measures such as behavior modification, and changing my environment to prevent stressful outbreak when necessary.  If I know my triggers, I can either avoid the situation entirely, or I can just be OK with my transient emotional states as long as they have a shortened latency period.

What is so liberating about this experience is that I can 'go back' to my 'former self', but OMIT the insecurities associated with gayness, coming out, guilt, and low self-esteem. In contrast, I can now live out my life with gayness, self-assurance, high confidence, and hope. In the past, my circular thought patterns occuring 'sans medication, pre-coming out' involved guilt, disgust, and fear about being attracted to men. The medication and psychotherpy over 2.5 years have lessened these fears, enough to be able to lessen the medications.  Now, the thought patterns that I may have 'sans medication, post-coming out' are just the standard fare that most people have: when will I ever find a date! LOL.  I mean, I guess I should not minimize the situation, but I must admit it is much more comforting to be worried about finding a date, versus worrying about an identity crisis!   My 'faster thoughts', occuring as a result of less medications, can be directed toward loving my friends and family, devoting myself to hard work within academia, and embracing my creative and 'life-embracing' side of my personality.

I like to think that I can now be in a 'pure' state again... without medications... back to how I was, but substantially healed from my initial coming out journey.

When Will "There" Happen?

It happened.. it was bound to happen. I accidentally sent out a gay blog entry on my non-blog gay entry and quickly had to rescind it. Crap. OK.. so fine, I am clearly still partially in the closet if I actually CARE about this.. but damn... did it go out already? I mean, I gave this other link to parents, family friends, people who don't know about my gay status, and hopefully it did not feed into their RSS feeds before I had a chance to delete it... wow.

OK.. .breathe.... 10 deep breaths... Not that this matters, but my reaction I am having is enough to clue me in that I'm not quite "there" yet.   

What is "there"?

When will "there" happen?

Man Crushes: Then and Now

Man-crushes are plentiful and in high gear.... In the past, these feelings would result in internalized fear, guilt, and cover-up. In the present, these feelings result in happiness, confirmation, and hope.

Challenges of Confirming Gayness Status

Jumping through the hoops of being a newly out gay guy is a difficult but exciting challenge. I joke to myself that any cute gay guy my age that does not have a ring on his finger or a gal by his side is a candidate for friendship and maybe more. Of course, I may set myself up for disappointment, but I think the worst thing that could happen is that I end up being surrounded by good looking straight guys with whom I can be pals.

That indeed is not a bad side effect, but it does not bring me to the ultimate goal: finding potential dates, and then seeing what happens.  It's an odd dynamic now, because I actually find myself with 'potentials'. I am hanging out with a guy for coffee next Monday. I think he is really handsome and intelligent. So, what the challenge now, as I start to go out with gay guys, is to be completely honest with my intentions.. both to myself, and the other person...

I am tempted to just go out on dates and get to know people as I get to know more people in the city. There is a new twist to all this dating / getting to know people business: is that you do not know whether the man is gay or straight unless you a) meet them through match.com; b) know through word of mouth; c) have them mention they have a girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend.  I guess even c) is not fool proof, because I have an ex girlfriend.

There is somebody I have a crush on and am wondering if he is gay. ugh. how does one tell? My gay-dar has failed me in the past....... am I wrong, or evil, to pursue a friendship in hopes that a man is gay? and then just guard my heart until I know what the deal is?

I must say, it's pretty fucking liberating to be excited about my sexuality; and have some hope there could be some men out there that are my type.  It makes me much more at ease with my 'situation', and gives me hope. This hope spills into joy and peace into other parts of my life, which then results in positive feedback loop of having wonderful people around me with whom I want to share my life. Not bad thus far. I am just curious about the gayness status of a few folks.. :)    

6 Weeks Of Progress And Challenges

I always get a bit apprehensive before going to the therapist... sometimes I feel a need to justify how I have progressed since the last time.... a way to keep me accountable. More than anything, though, I think that periodic check-ins provide motivation for me to do a 'check-in', and taking a step back on my progress.

So, here is my checklist of accomplishments and challenges the past 6 weeks:

Accomplishments:

1) Bought the book recommended to help me through anxiety... medication-free.
2) Safely dosing down on my medications...... which is having positive side effects to my energy, confidence, and general disposition.
3) Have cut out my co-dependency cycle with an internet friend.....
4) Have made progress on decreasing my addiction to CL surfing, and less temptation for hook-ups
5) Have made progress in my faith: feeling at 'home' at a new Catholic church.
6) New friendships forming: a) high school friend; b) new friend from gym; c) PhD student; d) MSW student
7) have now lost 23 pounds since July....
8) My facebook 'leniency'.

Challenges:

1) New friendships with straight guys I find attractive.
2) Psychiatrist search: dynamics with parents and insurance coverage barriers.
3) Emotions surfaced after watching a film...
4) Am I stuck in a stage? How do I progress?
5) New friends: revealing gayness (facebook: becoming more lenient.. a good idea or not?)

And if that is not enough.... the final stage of coming out involves moving through the stages of grief..

from... http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm

The Extended Grief Cycle

The Extended Grief Cycle can be shown as in the chart below, indicating the roller-coaster ride of activity and passivity as the person wriggles and turns in their desperate efforts to avoid the change.

 

The initial state before the cycle is received is stable, at least in terms of the subsequent reaction on hearing the bad news. Compared with the ups and downs to come, even if there is some variation, this is indeed a stable state.

And then, into the calm of this relative paradise, a bombshell bursts...

• Shock stage*: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
• Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
• Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
• Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
• Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
• Testing stage*: Seeking realistic solutions.
• Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

* This model is extended slightly from the original Kubler-Ross model, which does not explicitly include the Shock and Testing stages. These stages however are often useful to understand and facilitating change.

The Cass Model: Stages of Coming Out

Taken from: http://allies.tamu.edu/resources/stages.htm

Stages in Coming Out

"Coming out is a process that happens again and again; it is not just a one time deal and it does not follow a linear course. It occurs initially when one acknowledges to oneself (most important and difficult aspect of coming out) and to others that one is gay, lesbian or bisexual. One claims that orientation as his/her own and begins to be more or less public with it.

Coming out to themselves is one of the hardest steps in developing a positive gay/lesbian/bisexual identity for gay men, lesbians, and bisexuals. It involves much soul searching and introspection and a good healthy sense of self-appreciation and acceptance. 

Coming out to others involves other risks and difficulties depending on who that person is coming out to , how engaged they are with them, how much power they have in the relationship, and how accepting they are.

Why come out? It is a necessary part of developing a healthy and positive identity as a gay/lesbian/bisexual individual. It is more honest and real, and ends the stress of hiding or keeping a secret and living a double life. It reduces isolation and alienation and allows for increased support from other gay/lesbian/bisexual people. It allows LesBiGay people to live a fuller life.

What are people afraid of? Rejection and loss of relationship, especially family and friends who do not understand or approve. The real possibility of harassment and abuse from others, ranging from verbal insults to physical violence against them or their possessions. Real possibility of institutionalized discrimination and prejudice. For example, losing a job, not being hired for a career, being denied housing and other equal opportunity rights.

There are stage development theories that attempt to describe the process of coming out. 

Cass is the most widely known and used. Her model includes six stages that are not necessarily mutually exclusive"

Stages of Coming Out

I	Identity Confusion	Sees self as member of mainstream group. Denial of inner feelings.	Who am I?Am I different?
II	Identity Comparison	Begin to come out of the "fog."	Maybe I am gay.I'm alone. What are gay people like?
III	Identity Tolerance	Encounter someone or something that breaks through the denial system.	I accept the possibility that I may be gay.Where are other gay people?
IV	Identity Acceptance	Exploring subculture activities, readings, etc.	I am gay.Am I okay? I can come out to some people.
V	Identity Pride	Feel arrogance/pride in new identity and deep rage toward majority culture. May adopt/heighten stereotypical behaviors or characteristics (i.e. "I'm different and proud of it!". May isolate self from mainstream values and activities.	I am proud to be gay.I don't (and won't) pass for straight.
VI	Identity Synthesis	Acceptance and integration of new identity. May go through five stages of grief to let go of old identity and all advantages of heterosexual privilege. Internalize pride/positive feelings about identity. Typically is "out" (with friends, family, at work). More at peace with self.	I am an okay person who happens to be gay.

And I Still Don't Like Saying I'm Gay Even Though I Now Rent Gay Films (and think they are good!)

It was like I was him.... my heart sank when his did, my heart wrenched when his did. I remember the times when I hit the bottle during times of distress and confusion. Coming to terms with my sexuality.. the early days... were rough. I watched a movie tonight, that brought me back in touch with those same feelings of awkwardness, fear, insecurity.... wow. I was watching myself on film.. it was, actually startling...... but also encouraging, scary, comforting.. all simultaneously.....It brought back my own memories of awkwardness, insecurities... that if were filmed, would have been so similar to the scenes portrayed in this film....  even the exact phrases used... thought processes....... 

I remember those times of being just so utterly confused, yet knowing the truth about myself, and so scared.. that the only thing I could do was grab a few beers and drink by myself and get depressed.... It was a comfort... to let go... and just accept the fact that I did not know what the fuck I was going to do. 

I remember countless times feeling like a wallflower at college parties.... shy, awkward.. but desperately seeking attention..... there was a quiet neediness running through me... the etiology, unknown.. I felt I was different, but could not identify this, or understand why...  

The end of this movie was hopeful...... as he begins to accept himself, tell his best friend, and even accept that he did not really know fully his sexuality.... he is able to smile and relax.... 

It is interesting in the few gay films I have watched the past couple weeks, they seem to place the coming out experience, all the emotions, stages of grief, acceptance.. and portray these as occurring over a 3 week period... In reality, though, is this the case? 

I am realizing that good, well-produced and thought out gay films about relationships are good. It is a way to explore the emotions that I have been through, and will go through... in a different dimension. Perhaps this is the next area of discovery..... good gay films....... For, if it is a good film, I am always struck about how I can relate to the emotions of some of the characters.... to the point where I can almost reach back and feel my own experience........ Perhaps just another piece of the puzzle... another confirmation.. that I am....... gay.... maybe. I still have trouble saying that. 

Abercrombie Gays at my Fingertips

Facebook is definitely the social networking phenomenon of this decade..... especially when it allows us to peer into the lives of people we have never even met. I was fascinated this morning by a hot gay rugby player who is friends with 2 people I know........ Rubgy Dude had some pretty sweet pictures of hot and nice looking guys out partying and having good times.  Photos like these play into my fantasy of some type of gay scene out there that I am completely missing out on. I mean, these look like nice normal guys who just happened to be gay. They're out having a good time, etc.... and I'm thinking: WTF? how did they meet each other? Why are they out having fun and I'm still struggling to network? How am I supposed to meet up with these people? Do I even want to hang out with them, or is it that I just think they're hot and they are playing into my little fantasy of the types of guys I would want to date? 

Contemplative Weariness

It's a quiet Thanksgiving Eve as I sit and reflect on my life in quiet solitude with a winter breeze blowing across the front porch, leaves rustle. I am not sure how I would describe my mood..... pensive, melancholy, content, a little bit defeated, resigned... I am not quite sure. I sit here feeling content about my career, my daily routine, my personal growth. I think back to all I have learned and gone through the past 3 years.. And here I sit.........

I feel like I am finally living an honest and full life. To myself and to God, I have shown all my cards. I am not ashamed, but proud. I am not necessarily as fearful as I used to be, but I do have a weariness about me. This weariness is like the leftover fear that stabbed me so sharply 3 years ago... this weariness is a familiar weariness.... almost a complacent composite of all gay fears in one feeling.. but the fears have muted. They still play in the background, but I have resigned myself to just accept the music.

I think back to those raw emotions of terror... I truly mean terror..... thinking back to some of my mental states of sobbing and being petrified of how my life was going to change.  I was in such a state of fear that I could not think straight, I felt guilty, I felt dishonest, I felt disgusted with myself......

In stark contrast to those terrible moments, my thoughts and fears of my sexuality evokes more of a weariness, complacency, and comfort....... perhaps my soul and spirit has mercifully transformed the original jagged edged fears into tolerable, muted fears.. but muted fears that I can put onto a shelf, in clear view, but can talk about them now. I guess these fears used to be covered with the cobwebs and dust of my insecurities. Now, they are displayed quietly, yet inconspicuously on the shelf... ever present, yet not necessarily intrusive.

So here I sit. I have all my cards in front of me, my fears are quietly, objectively, sitting on a shelf.. Looking objectively at my life, my ducks are all in a row. I have nothing that I should be worried about or even complaining about..

But, I still feel an emptiness, a void... which, to my dismay, is having difficulty being filled despite my own volition and attempts to search out companionship and intimacy. Alas, I may search it out in misguided way... but what other way would there be? How can I control this? Why can I not advance in this part of my life as I do in other parts of my life?

This is truly the lesson..  Is this the time when I resign to the forces of life, to God, to the Universe, and hope that my self-acceptance will result in a fulfilling life of some type of companionship? Is companionship my destiny? Naturally, I think that the next step in becoming comfortable with my sexuality would be to seek out companionship. But, when practically speaking, when all my steps toward that lead nowhere, I am left with no choice but to go inward, and accept ones circumstances with a sort of resignation, melancholy.  And it is to that which inspires this sort of, I don't know... weariness.... that does not quite want to go away.

Thankfully, this weariness leads me to a contemplative state of mind during which I can reflect upon the direction of the next step of my spiritual growth... which I believe.... is probably what I need: some spiritual guidance.

Intertwined

I was in a museum, caught between worlds of insecurity and warmth, uncertainty and certitude. I was brought back to a time when I would try to hold onto a world and conform, and this time, was easier to let go. I was saved by a past I only know through history, through ancestry, and I gained my roots again. Upon this planting of my feet, I let go, walked out, and embraced myself. This was a time of clarity, a time of starkness, a time of confidence. Although it could have been bittersweet, it was a time of peace and thanksgiving. Though tears were shed, smiles were born and time was a bit more alive. Art was beautiful, colors stood out, details indescribable, a Monet, a Kandinsky.... swimming in my thoughts as I let go, prayed, and searched my soul for a sense of being. This frame of time, although I appeared as a man alone in a museum, I was shaped, and transformed, even a fraction of a bit, to appreciate how I fit into this world and how to be, how to embrace, and how to let go.

Reflections: Letting go in order to be myself

I am learning how to let go, and just be... it has been quite a good week. As I dose down on my meds slowly and safely, I am also becoming mindful of my emotional boundaries and triggers. I am also forgiving myself for not always being on top of my game, and if I have had a long day, not to push myself harder to keep working. Academia can be grinding if we cannot set our own boundaries. Tonight I had confidence in myself that I could put my work aside, even though I am 'behind' what I originally scheduled, in favor of renting a movie and relaxing.  I am sure it will serve me better in the end, although I still have quite a mountain of work to fit in....somehow...in the morning.

With my medication dose down, my appetite, oddly, has increased.. which is frustrating with trying to watch my weight watchers points.  My productivity at work has increased... although I go in pretty intense spurts, followed by some exhaustion.. I find it hard to moderate my pace when my deadlines are so close. Academia requires self-regulation,, which is in itself, a challenge at times.

I have let go of an online toxic friendship that was causing me many ups and downs. Although I went back in the past, this time I am letting go for good. It served it's purpose, but is now just causing grief, distrust, anger, and manipulation. Not a good combination given I am sensitive and get very caught up in the winds of intense emotions.  Letting go of this has also allowed me to let go of my most recent phase of endless Craigs List searching for sex.... a fantasy gone completely unchecked.

I had no fucking clue that exploring ones sexuality would lead to such trials, tribulations, and disappointment. I had no idea that it would be so difficult to find a date, or that the most accessible, and I dare to say 'only' accessible scene is the online hook-up.  I have almost resigned myself to giving up finding a date.... and just try to meet people by doing activities around town. Is that the only way?

It is liberating in a way to know that I am my own Captain of my own ship. I'm single, with a new set of wheels and sense of adventure, and confidence about my life.  I have so much passion for my career, and for the adventures of life.. I have decided to embrace these regardless of having a partner...... because although I may not have had a choice in my sexuality, and "who I am", at least I have a choice in embracing what I love and enjoying life.

So, onward and upward.... I guess.... I have some hope that I am on a healthier path.... Nobody said that finding love was easy, or a quick path... Also, love comes in many forms. Perhaps the other forms of love in my life right now are plentiful enough to make up for the absence of romantic love....... which provides me a sense of hope and thanks.

Up and Coming.....

For a while now, I have wanted to focus my blog entries on creating parallels with my coming out process with the stages of grief.  In a very real way, I have grieved my former self and need to embrace a new self.  During these last few years, I have gone through these stages of grief in a very palpable fashion, and I look forward to fresh perspectives to infuse some life back into my introspective journaling sessions. 

Stay Tuned....

Fuck.. Take Me Back to Normalcy Again

Feel like an idiot with a problem who finally came to my senses after a couple of bad nights of trying to find a hook up. Who the fuck am I? I am not sure what to even attribute this to except.. a few changes... my medication decrease. When I start to dose down, I start to get impulsive and obsessive, and my mind starts to work on high gear. I feel it. It feels great. I'm creative, I feel productive... but at the same time, I get impulsive.

Getting impulsive on CL is not the best strategy, and I was saved.. yet again.. by the circumstances that always occur on a hookup site: idiots who do not follow through.  Indeed, thank god for this. I was so eager for a hookup the other night... and apparently another athletic guy was as well... until he claimed he got pulled over by the cops on the way to see me and had to call it a night. In the meantime, I was sweating bullets with a panic attack halfway hoping the dude would not show up.

Fuck. I feel like this is true confessions. But seriously.... either I have a problem with sex addiction, a shade of manic-depression, an underdose of medication, or a combination of all of these. It's just in time for therapy tomorrow afternoon.. thank God.. where I can outlay some of these issues.

I want to be at a crossroads.. ... now that my homosexuality is not a source of enormous fear as it was 3 years ago, I want to get off the medications. But, if getting off the medications means it is difficult to manage my ups and downs... what do I do?  I admit, I like the 'ups' of being on less dose.. I'm getting more done at work, I have a libido, I have more energy..  BUT.. when the lows hit  (last night, for instance)... it's time to get out the panic attack meds... fuck, my stomach was hurling, my mind was racing after 4 hours of surfing for CL hookups..  Fuck...Fuck.. Fuck.. this is NOT me.... I want normalcy again.

One of those cycles again

Fuck. I had a productive day yesterday... where my mind was churning effectively.. and was wiped out by the end of the day. I have this gut instinct that when I am dosing down on my meds, I work more rapidly, and get slightly more manic than usual. It feels great. I get a ton done, but then.. the downside to this: is getting disappointed when I cannot hit my goals during the evening and I get completely off track.

Off track.. means...... getting lazy on couch, surfing craigslist... and then it's all over. Sex surfing in hopes of a hookup can drag me into the rest of the night, completely wasting my time.. then I fall asleep on the couch, and then my whole night/day gets fucked up.

So, is it the medication decrease causing this horny surge, which I do not mind.. but... how can I curb the obsessive behavior of porn, and also not get so tired at work after working my brain a million miles a minute?

It seems like a trade-off... either I am completely stable with no libido; or I am sufficiently horny but feel it difficult to draw my boundaries for what I would call my 'manic' moments.. then I get tired and crash, and it throws off my whole fucking day and task list.

Time for another therapy session.  I want to so badly get off these medications, but if it means that I fall into cycles of porn, hookups, crashing after an almost 'manic' day of working way too fast because I have all this energy..... what the fuck do I do?

Exploring the Past Led To Forgotten Remnants

Continued to a small town in KS where I spent many a holiday vacations with my family and grandparents on their Ranch. It was sold in the late 80's,  the last time I was there. I retraced my steps and found the old property. Completely in the middle of nowhere on a lonely country road, and the expanse of land overlooking the lake. Beautiful. But, bittersweet, because the land had been abandoned, and the front gates barb wired shut, and grass overgrown, with only remnants of the original gravel road showing. Of all those days and nights during my childhood exploring and spending time on the ranch, it was like walking through a ghost wasteland. It was heavy moment, most especially when I approached the ranch house plot about 1 mile down the gravel road.. only to see a heap of burnt wood, masonry, and broken glass. It must have burnt down.. and was just forgotten about. It made me extremely sad... my dog and I hiked back up to the car.. also to notice that the original caretaker's house that was about 1 mile in the distance was also gone, and the only thing left standing was an old metal barn. Nobody could be seen for miles, No cattle, no cars. Just my vivid memories juxtaposed next to this beautiful day with just outlines of my childhood pasttimes.

Yes, I sound dramatic, but I guess I am a dramatic, old soul. I really was crushed seeing that ranch house destroyed. Not that it's good or bad.. just sad. Almost as if the present owners were not honoring the past. It would have been a totally different experience if people lived there, even if they had redone the house completely differently. To find it completely tossed aside was heartbreaking. It threw me into a funk for about 8 hours.. then I decided it was time to pick up and keep going.
Oddly, I went on the trip to embrace and try to capture my love of outdoors, and try to relive my past in a way. It was a shock to be met with this unexpected set of emotions. Yes, it was a beautiful day.. which made it even more bittersweet. I swear I was waiting for the tumbleweeds to roll by, and the vultures or crows to descend upon some dead carcass.
 
So it is time to get back up and continue... My mind dreams about a cabin in the woods.. getting all Thoreau whenever I want to..... to capture the values and activities that feeds my soul.. but then I think about the practicality of it all, and the expense of keeping up a property.  Maybe I should keep dreaming... because I want a retreat that I can call my own. And despite my not having a partner in my life, at least I can build my own memories at a place I can call mine.

Searching For The Future

I'm searching for something and I do not know what it is.. I see the emotions on the television, see the love, the drama.... and part of me wants that love, wants the security.... and I cannot find it. This weekend, I followed a spontaneous instinct to go on an overnight roadtrip to a place of my childhood.. my grandparents ranch. When I got there, I discovered that the owner who had bought the land from my grandparents have all but abandoned the place,... the ranch house had burnt down, and all that was left was the rubble, the charred wood, the melted metal, and broken glass. Would I have been better off not going back, and just allowing the childhood memory to persist over time? It is now tarnished... To see a place that was so virbrant in my mind, now dead, abandoned, forgotten.. was eerie, sobering, depressing.  It left an impression on me..... demonstrating that life is transient... that memories and love are what persist, and even though the physical remnants of the past may die away and decay, the memories are what give us hope to continue.  I walked through the front gate which had been chained shut, with weeds overgrown; the road leading down to the now burnt down ranch house was overgrown. This was in stark contrast to the memories that persist so vividly in my mind of our past experiences there.... to be walking through the past.. of what seemed like a ghost... what was left in the present was just a shadow from the past... almost as if the past was not honored as sacred or important.  It was left there, exposed to the elements, the twisted metal, the singed wooden beams. It was a shock... and it made me think more about mortality, life, and death.  I thought to myself as I drove back home was the stark reality of my being gay turned to the dark side, of thinking I would never had a family of my own, never be able to build the memories around a home, a tradition, a loving family.  To this, I fear... it is this that I fear the most, that I will be alone, and not be able to build any memories or traditions that can live on to the next generation. What grandmom and grandad built was a family of immortal memories and love.. .which can be done in a traditional family.  What can be done in a non-traditional family? What can be done if we cannot find a loving partner because no venue exists in which to meet people? Can we in fact control our future whatsoever? If not, will I ever be able to build traditions and memories that can be cherished by my descendants? I am not sure, but I hold on to the hope.  I think that is why I grab on so tightly to the idea of having a cabin of some sort... a retreat.. which I can call my own.  Although I do not have a partner with whom to share it with yet, perhaps I will in the future. 

Imagine If You Had to Cope With Homosexuality....

I try to wrap my head around why struggling with homosexuality is such a difficult issue... and every time I try to explain this to myself, my head goes into circles.... similar to what the journey seems to be right now: an endless circle going nowhere.

If I were to explain to somebody why it is so hard, these are some of the things that emerge:

a) You can't just 'change' this part of yourself... which for me is probably the most frustrating part.. that there is something fundamental about myself... my attraction to men...or at least my attraction to men in my fantasies....  that doesn't just go away, and because of this, it permanently changes the way I perceive my path of life... with respect to my personal life, falling in love, being in relationships.

b) Looking around into mainstream society.. whether it is at Mass; at restaurants; at festivals; at parks.. and seeing the traditional family interacting, and then knowing that I am unable, just because of how I am built or have been socialized, to attain that family setting with children.. that I have romanticized my whole life.

c) I feel like I almost have a 'condition'... and at least for now.. my contemplation time for myself.. my downtime.. my prayer time... is really devoured by feeling sorry for myself, or trying to strategize how I can improve my situation, or how I can find a date, or how I can feel normal.

d) Imagine if you had something bothering you that would bother you all the time.... something that fundamentally changes how you live your life; how others perceive you; how you define love and intimacy, which is such an important foundation of happiness in this current life. Imagine that you could not turn off that worry...... ever.

e) Even when I do try to embrace myself, I still have doubts... and I still feel uncomfortable, and feel like I am maybe making a 'decision' rather than following who I am.  I still wonder who I am, and whether I could be aroused by women if I were in a safe, nurturing environment.  It scares me, frustrates me, and results in a stalemate... of where I feel like exploring, where I should be exploring, and WHO I will ultimately BE in the long term.

f) Imagine that you have not quite found yourself, or found that part of you that still feels empty, and you so desperately want to fill it with meaning, with life, with love, with intimacy.. but you don't know how to get there, who will show you the way.. and everything that you do try to do seems to set you back a few steps instead of propel you forward a few steps...

g) Medications may help decrease obsessive thinking, but does not capture the crux of the issue: how to find happiness.  This cannot be found in a medication.. it needs to be found somewhere in the heart; in the spirit.  When the spirit is dragged down by identity crises.... it makes it difficult.... to not worry... about it..

**************

So, all of this being said...... of course, they are worries, and probably not as bad as they seem at the time. As I continue down my path of life, many other parts of my life.. apart from my sexuality issues... keep me fulfilled.  I thank God for this, because if I did not have such an enrichment in other parts of my life, it would make this journey even the more difficult. So, I thank my friends, my family, my colleagues, and of course.. my dog.. for keeping me happy and at peace.. a *majority* of the time, which is all that we can hope for, right?

Peace,
Ziggy

How Do Bisexual Men Choose?

Where do relationships and friendships with bisexual men lead? This is an interesting question indeed, because if they are truly equally attracted to both men and women, which gender do they seek in a permanent partner? Do they ever seek partners or spouses? If they do, do they give into their homosexual desires on the side? Is it therefore not worth having a relationship with a bisexual man?  Such are the thoughts of a man new to the scene who sure is making friends with many bi-sexual males.  Intriguing to me, because I think of bisexuals as acting totally straight, but liking men also.  It's an appealing combination... a masculine, straight acting guy who loves to be with men.  But, if they like women also, how do you know they won't cheat on you? Go back to the other side? I wonder how this works in real life.

The 'Royal' We

Sometimes I just want to cry out, yell, shake people into the acceptance of the issues with which I am coping. As we are all just grown up children seeking acceptance and love..... this longing and need screams even louder for a man going through a sexuality crisis.  How is it that after 3.5 years of coping with this, out in the open, so to speak, I struggle so? It is the constant music in the back of my mind, wishing that I would someday feel OK with the implications of what my life will be like when I fully embrace myself.  I struggle with the truths, wishing they were false. I play mind games with myself, hoping that I indeed think that being naked with a man is just a phase, and I would be grossed out by it. These fears still exist, and I do not want them to exist.  I want society to recognize homosexuals as strong beings, beings who have gone through so much to get to where they are in accepting themselves as different, and having the courage to live out their lives a world of such persecution, bigotry, and misunderstanding. It creates in me a heavy heart, mostly knowing that I am truly a good person to the core, and knowing that one segment of myself, my sexuality, will trump all other judgement. To me, this seems so wrong, so unfair, so unjust.  I feel so proud of how far I have come in my journey, yet get frustrated to those I know will never accept that part of me. Do they know that my emotional growth, my confidence, my maturity is rooted in the very experience of coming out, and accepting myself? Can they not understand it?

I use the royal 'they' to represent different people I know; different groups in society; different institutions. I hear stories of 'them' rejecting their own daughters or sons because of sexuality; I hear stories of 'them' rejecting people in their own institution for reaching out to those in need. The only reason I can fathom that would explain such hateful behavior is fear, blindness, and misunderstanding.  Are these the states of mind that breed intolerance and bigotry? Most likely.  It is a shame that one's opinions, the dogma somebody follows, can result in rejection of somebody due to whether they would like to become intimate, fall in love, and have a deep satisfying relationship with somebody of the same sex. Do not we have the right to fulfill who we are? Are we truly misguided, or do we just know ourselves so well from having to soul search ourselves to the point of self-acceptance? I use the royal 'we' to represent the homosexuals, the transgendered, the bisexuals; a group of individuals who have most likely been through much emotional pain to try to get to a place in life where they can feel at peace.

Sometimes I just want to break down, cry, and feel loved.  It is with this transformation that I feel safe to do that, to come to terms with who I am and be OK with it.

The Fears I Still Quietly Harbor

As I exclaim my thanks for where I currently am in my life, I still harbor those fears which may manifest themselves later, as I continue down this journey of gayness.

I worry about the ramifications of people in the workplace knowing. I wonder, for example, what would happen if I brought my future partner to a black-tie event. Worse, I wonder what would happen if I did *not* bring my partner to a black-tie event.  I would rather not hurt my partner, and would need to brace myself and be strong for the potential workplace consequences.  It really does make me nervous, and has recently become a worry as a new faculty member being invited to various extracurricular activities.

Although I do look forward to the day I have a companion, I do keep in the back of my mind the challenges of introductions to family; having to confront the issues of family awkwardness. I know my tendency for anger to flare up in the face of being unfairly targeted or treated unjustly, so I can't even fathom the fallout from a family dispute involving rejection of my future partner.  Maybe I should focus on the positive rather than the negatives.  Maybe things will be easier once I find somebody; and these bridges may be easier to cross in the presence of love and devotion.

I worry less, but still worry, about sexual interactions and comfort levels.  If I have just gone down this gayness path with just theoretical notions of myself coupled with some isolated (albeit repeated patterns) of not being sexual aroused by women.. and it ends up to be all in my mind.... Fuck.... it's just so crazy to think about this.  If I think about this, my mind gets entangled with philosophical notions of 'How do we truly know our identity?' or 'What happens if I indeed AM in control of my sexual preference and can exercise choice?'. And if the latter is true, "Am I going down a path which I indeed to not have to go down in order to be fulfilled?'.  It is tough that these questions still cross my mind.

I wish that things in life were certain.  I can only go on experiential learning at this point, and follow my heart, my mind, and my body. As far as following God... I can do that to, as long as God does not ascribe to the homophobic theologies of fundamental Christian religions.  As far as I know, God does not do that. The reason why I know that is because my coming out experience has led to a sense of peace and fulfillment, which God would not have created if I he did not think that gayness was inherently wrong.

What I Am Most Thankful For With Regards To Coming Out

To (most) of those friends and family who know, I have strengthened my relationship with them, and I feel safe being myself around them.  This is probably the most pleasantly surprising consequence which happened very early on, and continues to this day. To feel loved, to feel accepted to the very core of my being, evokes a sense of thanksgiving and peace which suspends me in hope. 

I am now comfortable being single.. Although I sometimes feel guilty for being able to control my own free time, I really do feel very fortunate to be where I am in life right now. I just have to remember that I enjoy volunteering and taking care of other people, which may partially fill the desire of my wanting a family someday.

I feel comfortable in my own skin.. I do not feel I need to give an excuse for being who I am; for my hobbies; how I spend my free time.  I don't care about having to talk about sports, which was a huge issue for me for many years.

I am more confident in myself; which manifests itself in better friendships; honesty; and just having more fun interacting with people. It gives me confidence in the workplace, that I can in fact complete a task efficiently, which allows me to calm down and have a sounder, calmer, and healthier mind.

I can be myself, most especially to those I have come out to. I can tell funny stories about myself and feel OK with it. Lately, telling my coming out stories and dating experiences has been a liberating and fun experience, therapeutic in many ways, and insightful, as I gather feedback from loved ones.

I now know what it is like to experience intense depression, and know that I have the coping skills to deal with multiple emotional events which inevitably will occur in life. I consider that crisis several years ago as my own personal mid-life crisis.... a crisis of identify which spanned my sexuality, my career choice, my spirituality, my religion, and all the other activities in my life that I was doing to create my 'identity'. In all, it shook the foundation of my life and forced me to re-evaluate, re-examine, and re-invent myself in order to feel at peace.   I made it through that period a stronger and wiser person, to a place where I can fulfill my goals, and be a better person by serving those around me

See what kind of assholes are really out there....

AD PLACED: 

Hey guys-- i'm straight acting, still closeted, but want to meet like-minded folks. i'm a professor at a local university, and I would like to meet other gay, bi, closeted guys around my age who are in graduate school, or in the medical profession. I know you guys are out there........ i'm a down to earth, straight acting, intelligent, good looking guy just trying to find my way in the gay world. Friends first, maybe see where things go. Write back if this message resonates with your situation.

Peace,
MP

RESPONSE POSTED PUBLICLY (instead of privately sent to me) 

Wow, it totally saddens me that you are restricting yourself to only graduate students and health care professionals! What a boring sheltered life you lead… I’m an early 30’s, educated professional, how do you know we wouldn’t hit off or have something to talk about or share? Wait, again, you stated that you only want graduate students and health care professionals so that excludes me… NICE!

By the way, yes, I am out there…. The difference between you and me – I’m comfortable with me. At least have something to hide, a wife or boyfriend but stop setting us back 30 years.

You’re supposed to be an educator, a mentor to our aging youth. Teach them to be upstanding citizens and open their minds. How can you do that when you’re not even one yourself!?

Does your wife/boyfriend know you’re posting here? Granted it’s in the “Strictly Platonic” section but we all know you’d prefer “M4M".

CL Trolling and Latin Line Cooks

Ok, so I've turned down my temperature and my expectations, and have now turned to the more traditional ways of getting to know people: going on dates. In my new environs, I have been successful in connecting with some guys in Craig's List 'Platonic Section'... which means, the motive is perhaps a date first, then see what comes from that.  I did have a pleasant time with City Planner Dude.. a nice fellow with a graduate degree in city planning, who worked for a local township.  We ate at a classy restaurant, and had good conversation and laughter.  This was a step in the right direction.  Although we did not have another date, it did feel relatively 'normal' as far as dates with gay men are concerned. LOL.

The next date, I was a bad boy and ditched. I had the protection of anonymity, since both of us did not know for whom we were looking.. which made it easier to ditch when I thought I saw the guy who could have been my date.  It just was not going to happen. I left, and ran home to my beloved and loyal dog, and ate ice cream on the couch. That was a much better option.

The next date, I was actually looking forward to, somewhat, although I was naturally guarded because of my past experiences. A man was very eager to meet with me.. English was his second language I believe.  He sounded very nice, and worked as a line cook part time at several restaurants around town. Oh, and he was very excited to meet me... his over enthusiastic emails over the course of 1 week demonstrated his eagerness.... which, in a way, was endearing, despite his broken English.  I conjured up visions of my Latin Line Cook, wondering what my Saturday night date was going to ensue.

Well, you know what happens often on Craigs List (CL)? We forgot to take the 'photo test' before we started to correspond over a longer period of time. I show my photo after 1 week of emails... he disappears from CyberSpace. Latin Line Cook Lover becomes Asshole.

Because I have become more seasoned at CL Trolling, this was not a surprise to me; in fact, it was a welcomed conclusion to a dinner that could have been extra awkward.  I am reminded of one of the most egregious ditchings of my gay dating life..... I was to meet a very handsome man for dinner.  After he asked me out, made the reservations and suggested a restaurant, I got stood up.... not only ONCE but TWICE....... even after re-scheduling the date, he ditched me date number two.  This was a lesson to me, that the CL Gay Scene can be full of tricksters and assholes you cannot trust, and one needs to be very street smart.

So, in summary: cheers to Latin Line Cook who, to my relief, refused to commit to the date.  I can hardly wait to see what happens when I go to one of his restaurants in a couple weeks for a happy hour with some friends.  Will he know who I am?  (hoo-hooo--haaa-haaa-haaaa-hhaaa) (Intonate this as an Evil Laugh)

Gross Married Man

I have gained some wisdom from the hollow hookup with Gross Married Man. After a good counseling session, a chat with a close pal, and some feedback from another close friend.... I think I realize that I indeed need to be comfortable with a partner before going to bed with them. Of course, this is not surprising, in hindsight..... but was surprising in a way, because given my fantasies, I would think that the hookup would have gone according to plan.  Not so.  This is same for hetero as for homo.  Also, as a friend told me, some people are so horny they could have sex with anything.  So, I guess I am glad that I learned my lesson.. and came out unscathed, still healthy, and most likely.... wiser.

As a blogger follower mentioned, it is like I am a teenager just trying to hook up, listening to hormones.  Yes, I guess this is true. In a way, I "missed" that part of my life.... when my peers were going through those phases in high school, they were aroused by women.  I'm reminded of a story back when I was in 7th grade, of a big party somebody had, in that 'pre-teen' phase.  Although no beer was there, guys and girls were getting in on.... PG stuff for the most part.. kissing, and touching.  I wanted nothing to do with that. I felt so uncomfortable, almost repulsed by the whole scene. What a fitting reaction, in hindsight. Perhaps gayness percolated as early as 7th grade? Who knows.  

So here I am... free to be aroused by people who I actually like. It's quite liberating in fact, to be 'allowed' to be who I am..... The other day, as I was thinking about my Gym Jock Friend, I was thinking to myself "Ah.. so this is what it must be like for straight guys when they're thinking about the cute girl... Duhhhhh". This opens up a more confident world for me.... even in just making new friends, regardless of straight of gay... I have a much better sense of who I am, which makes me more secure, and in turn, make new friends pretty easily.

So this is what coming out is all about, I gather.  Accepting yourself, embracing who you are, and maturing, all at the same time.  I wonder how coming out experiences differ between those at younger versus those at older ages.  It seems to me that the younger guys (college aged) in the 'Millenium Generation' are much more non-chalant about the whole thing.. where gayness is not such a traumatic thing as it's portrayed by older generations.  It's an intriguing question; and would actually be an interesting sociological study.

Ok, so Gross Married Man brought me to new levels, in unexpected ways... Do I thank my lucky stars for Gross Married Man? Perhaps. I just know I will never do that again.

Where Do the Golden Boys Come From?

I realize I use humor as a defense mechanism; as a way to cope with the difficult journey of homosexuality. I was confronted today with an interesting issue: one of my friends who I grew up with was very conscientious of my situation, and asked whether my gayness was common knowledge or not. This was a very important question... because this town is very small, and people talk.  It made me think twice about my casual talking about my situation, and I suddenly grasped the gravity of the situation, the gravity of that type of information lurking around my hometown, full of friends of my parents.. This really is the generation I am concerned about.. My contemporaries, I really don't mind. It's all the friends of my parents who I have grown so close to over the years, and according to my parents, are very fond of me...... Will this fondness fall away? I have always been so comfortable around people of all ages.. I cannot imagine having these acquaintances of my parents' generation suddenly fall away because of who I really am.  I have to stop twice and really think about this.... To me, it's no big deal because I have been thinking about these issues for so long, and have come to accept them.  I have told friends, and have created safe spaces with close pals.  But, what I have not anticipated was running into the older generation of friends in restaurants and public places around town. It is bound to happen.. as I go on dates with guys.  It gives me a stomach ache to think about the consequences and perceptions of this next phase of my journey...... I still consider myself floating in between Hetero and Homo..... still not quite sure what to expect from my homo experiences. I mean, say I try, and really honestly don't think it's me... do I then go back the other way? Do I still think it's a possibility that I'm NOT gay?  The further I get from my coming out, the more I am consciously assimilating myself into the gay frame of mind.. which begs the question of whether we socialize ourself into gayness, or if it is completely genetic, hands down? I just don't know. All I know, is that I get increase heart rate when I see a beautiful guy at the gym, especially at the pool. Should that be enough? I just saw a golden tanned body surfer-dude blond guy at the pool today, totally toned, and smokin' body, and it just made me want to say out loud... 'wow.. geeez.. Seriously!??!... where do you people COME from?"

Ready to Take Off the Training Wheels

I had a good session with my therapist today. She had some very practical advice, and very good feedback.

Regarding my CL connections and online correspondence, she gave me advice to say upfront my intentions, to weed out the wackos and to stand on firm ground. For example, I am not interested in a hookup, therefore, I state up front that this is not in the cards.  This is so crazy I even have to strategize about this stuff, but I have to learn to play the game if I choose to circulate on CL, which I may not want to after my misadventures from last week.

Regarding my dream about moving my dead body upstairs out of view from my parents, she mentioned that it was such an amazing lucid dream demonstrating that I have now put my old self out of view, away, in the past.... even to the shock and concern of my parents.  My subconscious is really quite telling.

Regarding my explorations and curiousities as a young kid at camp, she mentioned it is rather difficult at that age to disentangle whether same sex exploration is just that, or whether it's a predictor of sexual orientation. Of course, even guys who end up straight experimented in college and as kids. But, for me, I guess these feelings were much stronger, and never really faded.. even in high school, when I was not sexually attracted to my girlfriends (yet another sign).

Regarding a friendship which may be on the rocks, she mentioned that friendship just end sometimes, and one may be surprised at the reasons. People can be pretty black and white about some issues, including homosexuality. It therefore is not surprising to lose friends given my inclinations toward homosexuality. Should I still nurture this friendship, or let it go? My decision is to let it go, because I would rather not try to work things out with a friend who cannot accept me for who I am without having to argue my way and justify myself to him. It's just too stressful and not worth my time. Am I assuming these things are happening? Perhaps, or perhaps not. But, the ball is now not in my court, and if friendship is meant to happen, then something will occur to make it that way.

It was a good session to work through things, an although I am feeling less panicky and more at ease about things this week, I am still a bit melancholy, I guess about how my 'plans' to 'try out' the gay world are not necessarily as easy as I thought it was going to be. Why can't I just ride the bike for a while, to see if I can balance? I want to take off the training wheels.

A Friendship

He is my anchor, despite the miles between

A friendship that comforts during times of doubt

In him, I discovered myself.

I continue to have faith and hope. 

That yes, I have tapped into my soul and spirit

To the person I should be, and truly am. 

In reference to my first homosexual friendship starting almost a year ago as we continue to grow as friends.

I Just Want to Fucking Know Already Who I Am

As my Weight Watchers coach says, sometimes you just have to hit the reset button and not be so hard on yourself. I find this difficult with my sexuality issues.  I had a pretty stressful and busy week, slept on the couch, did not exercise, had kidney stone issues, and really just got into a rut about life.  Plus, I'm taking less medications, which probably is not a good idea given all these things going on.

So, I'm hitting the reset. I stayed away from work all day today, to give myself some distance, despite the work I still need to do.  I think this was the best thing I could do for myself to take a step back and wonder what is going on.  I was on verges of crying spells as well; and feel my mind racing a lot; getting onto negative thought cycles about my circumstances, and then doom and gloom set in..... then I get depressed. I bet you anything it's because I decreased my medications because I was trying to taper down.. then look what happened.

I just don't know anymore. Why the sexuality, companionship thing is dominating negative thoughts in my head lately, and why I'm so negative, and obsessed with it.  There must be a mixture of my mental state of mind mixed into this, and I'm eager to talk to counselor on Monday.

My dreams have been quite vivid this week, perhaps very telling of the etiology and roots of my sexual discoveries as a young kid. A lot of my dreams lately have rooted back to the camp I went to when I was little... this is when I remember having some of my first curious, homoerotic feelings.  One particular kid at camp, who was a friend of mine...... we had an 'experience' one time, for lack of better term, that was extremely erotic for me.  I hung onto that, I think, for years... because many of my sexual dreams that I had during my repressive years.. this friend was in those dreams.  He has been a recurring character in all of my sex dreams.... over the past... God, I guess, the past 15 years.  The other friend in my dream somebody from high school.  So, this past week: both of these friends were present in the dream; and we, plus my immediate family, were all at this camp together, doing pretty hardcore camp outs.

One of the dreams was extremely disturbing: I was moving my own dead body (corpse) from behind a refrigerator up to a room in a closet, before my parents found out.  During this task, the skin on my own body (my body that was alive) was flushing away, and I could not understand why.  My parents were terrified and furious at the same time, wondering what we were going to say to the dermatologist about how I was wasting away... but at the same time.. I think.. the curiousity was why I existed in 2 places: a dead body, and myself.

I just can't quite figure it out. I think I was putting my old body, my dead self, back into the closet... but my alive self.. was still going through a metamorphasis. it was absolutely strange. But I remember so clearly it was the camp I grew up at... and we were all there together.

Sometimes during these dreams, other characters show up that I had man crushes on during my life..... and when I think back, the dreams are pretty damn accurate about who I really did like.  Some are rooted in real experiences at camp. As a kid, I remember so clearly, the first day in the cabin as an 11 year old, my 23 year old counselor was changing in front of everybody, and he did not care that his penis was just right there in front of everybody sticking through his jeans as he was getting dressed. Gee. I had never seen anything like that before.  Were my roots of homosexuality realized at such an early age?  But at the same time, when all the guys were being macho and wanting to strut their stuff during skinny dipping, and such. or all the guys getting around the fire at end of night and peeing on it to put it out. ... I was so private about this, that I never participated... even though part of me craved to be a part of that.. to participate in this male bonding....

So as I accept myself now, at age 35, I want to recreate those images and experiences of fascination in which I was not allowed to fully engage, but now I want to.  Those times of innocence, which do not exist anymore. I want to go back, but I know that I cannot.  Everything seems so tainted now..... homoeroticism now seems to have the air of seediness, and not a natural curiousity of an adolescent.. before societal norms formed our judgements about what was right, what was wrong.

But I guess the guys who hang onto homoeroticism, and cannot let go of it, are the ones who are gay.  Can it ever be overcome? Can a gay man convert back to being straight? How does one really know if you are straight or gay, without having the experience?

I don't want to struggle with this anymore. I just want to fucking know already, who I am.

My deep desires for intimacy and companionship are not matching up to the realities that I am discovering

It seems like an endless battle, this homosexuality thing. Honestly, I wish it would just go away. I can't find dates, the whole homosexual culture seems so underground, uncomfortable, and unnatural. I am not sure if I will ever feel comfortable, which makes me wonder if I really am gay, or just have issues and fears of sexual intimacy. I hooked up with a guy the other night, and did not enjoy it at all.  It made me panic. It made me question where I am again in life.  I also agreed to go on a blind date last night, only to chicken out when I thought I saw the guy I was supposed to meet, and just go so uncomfortable I left the restaurant.  

I seem to be going backwards now. My progress is waning. Here I thought that I was making progress meeting guys and groups...  but the past 2 incidents have just not been good. Yes, I guess.. it was because they were on Craigs List. Why the fuck do I keep going back to that hopeless site, full of desperate horny men?  Yuck. What is my problem? I disgust myself with this homosexuality. It makes me want to run away from it, but if I do run away from it, I would risk being "homeless".

What do I do now? Part of me wonders whether I'm a bit depressed about this because I decreased my anti-anxiety meds a couple of weeks back because I am determined to get back to my 'old self'... meaning, my energy levels, my libido, my confidence levels..at the 'pre-coming out' crisis. I have this notion that now that I know (or think I know) I'm gay, I can just go back to ground zero with less medications since I have conquered and identified the root of the problem.. of the anxiety. 

But, my ups and downs are worse, my energy levels are up and down... although I did feel at an emotional high for pretty much 2 weeks straight, and am now getting worried and anxious. 

If I could change anything, I would: 

a) accept myself... my sexual tendencies, my worries, myself. 

b) be able to freely go on dates with normal acting men, not feeling like i'm in a seedy situation. 

c) would actually go on dates with women, and see if connection were there as well. 

I feel like I am not relaxed about this whole process. I feel like it's a project. I feel like I cannot just roll with the flow, because I cannot find a way to find the answer.  What if I'm wrong about myself? What if I'm just wasting my time barking up the wrong tree? Fuck, I don't know anymore. Is it a completely hopeless situation to be with a woman now,... now that I accept the fact that I fantasize about men and want to try having a boyfriend? Will I always have to deal with the melancholy of seeing my straight friends having this life of wife, kids, and family surrounding them, when I'm stuck in my own circumstances without a way to change them? 

I actually went to match.com to cruise women for a while, and was partially interested...wondered what it would be like to go back to that world... but then decided otherwise.  I miss certain parts of women... their smiles, their nurturing ways... their smiles.... but if I cannot get sexually excited by them, I have no business playing in that world anymore.. At least that's what I think.  I'm too scared to go back and find out, though.  

Just the thought of being in a sexual situation with a woman and not getting aroused is enough to make me run away.. it's a very deep fear of mine.  Maybe because being in that situation with a the lack of sexual response is a direct window into my vulnerabilities, my truths, as a man who wants to be sexually involved with another man..... and these truths could not be hidden, no matter how hard I tried.  That whole dynamic with being intimate with a woman is just so not what I want. I'm not sure whether it's because of the emotional rejections that are tied up within it, or whether I just want to be with a man.  Fuck. Why is this so difficult. 

Why can't I just accept who I am and go with it? Partially because I guess I have not accepted myself yet, or do not want to, or do not believe it.... or still can't quite seeing any of this work out. My theories and fantasies that I have built up, and have been a part of my being, my thoughts, my deep desires for intimacy and companionship, are not matching up to the realities that I am discovering.. and that scares the shit out of me..Because perhaps those notions of companionship are not in the cards for me at all, no matter how much I love, am compassionate, or am a good man to those around me. Please God, help me through this. I don't know what to do. 

  

I Need to Take 10 Showers to Feel Pure Again

I just don't understand so many things about myself now. I thought I did understand. What was I doing for all those months, working through all my fantasies, all my urges, all my longings.... does this failed hookup negate all of that hard work? Does it negate this new person I'm trying to become? Or does this just prove that sexual encounters, for me, need to only be within the context of trust, love, and attraction.  Perhaps it is the latter. I can't say for sure though.  Why can't there be certainty? I was thinking certainly that a safe harmless hookup would be a good litmus test. Instead, it has just generated more questions, rather than just answering the key one: Am I Gay? This is just so perplexing. I have heard the first encounter is always awful, and I never quite understood why. Maybe now I do.  But where to go next? Are these gay groups really appropriate, if I am not sure? If I am bisexual, maybe the group if fine.  Maybe if I just am celibate the rest of my life, and not define myself..I'll be fine. Fuck, I don't know. Why is this all the sudden so difficult again? I know that I have felt physical attraction towards males.....  In this case, there was no attraction.. it was just using each other for getting off.  God. I'm such a male slut. I need to take 10 showers and go to the gym to feel pure again. Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned.. big time.

What Do I Do Now?

I'm distraught... what the hell. What am I doing? How could I have gone for all these months thinking I would like it, and now it disgusted me so much I wanted to puke and go into a panic attack. This is SO fucked up. I  am crying now, sobbing..... what the hell.  What do I do now? I mean, seriously...... is all of this just a fucked  up notion I have.... I thought I was this, now I'm not... and I just went through all that shit for nothing? just thinking about what happened and what I did makes me feel dirty, gross, and fuck... it was so gross. I couldn't even get turned on... The same thing that happened with women..... This was totally opposite of anything and everything I had been fantasizing about. Am I still gay? Am I straight? Am I asexual? Do I just have performance anxiety? If I'm not gay, what do I do about all the people I told? What if I don't get erections for ANYBODY? How could I have strong fantasies for men, and then not work? Is it just because it's a hook up instead of a relationship/friendship? Jesus. This just confuses me MORE. ... Maybe it all has to do with anxiety during sexual intimacy... is that what this is ALL about? I mean... going through hell for 3 years to figure out that it's just some emotional issue, detached from anything sexual? Oh my God. I don't know whether to be relieved, panic, explore more, go into a hole, cry, or yell.  I better take my anxiety meds and go for a walk. God, i want to throw up.

I Am Sick to My Stomach

I don't think I'm gay.

Now I'm really fucked. 

I did not like it at all. 

Had a panic attack afterwards. 

What the fuck do I do now? 

Nasty... grosss. GROSSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssssssssssss. 

GROSsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. 

I took a shower, Ah nasty, God, I feel like puking. 

Creative Strategies and New Beginnings

Sometimes I feel like I spend just as much time creating strategies for work, as I do for navigating the gay world.  In my depressed mood yesterday, I decided to try more ideas..... including posting to the platonic section asking folks about gay friends networks around town; as well as posting information about gay Catholic groups.  Secondly, I decided to send out a much wider net on match.com, by searching for Christian guys within 500 miles of my current city.  Sending out 30 winks to cute guys, hopefully, will elicit some type of response... and whether these are just pen pal friendships, I'll take anything right now, just to provide some hope and support in this seemingly desolate world.  I feel like I'm caught in between the Homo and the Hetero worlds..... repulsed by the hook-up scene, the femmes, and completely at a loss on how to meet normal masculine gay guys who are like me.  I hope that this is a new beginning....    Within a few minutes of posting on CL platonic, I have already received 2 responses from nice guys in my same situation. This is encouraging.

A Fake Hottie Named Clint Was A Bot

Go figure. I was in uncharted waters.  Being the horny idiot I was, I engaged in conversation with somebody I met on Craigslist.  After an hour or so of back and forth conversation and photo swapping, we decided mutually that we wanted to meet... but the next day instead. We were both pretty eager.  As such, I emailed the next day this hot jock named Clint.... to plan our potentially platonic, potentially more.. rendezvous.  His email bounced back.  No more Hot Clint.

It is obviously much better this way, for I was half-hoping that this would not work out... was a bad, potentially dangerous, impulsive idea.

But back to Clint. So what happened to the guy? My theory: I was engaged in conversation with a bot.  He did misspell words, and I also thought that it was a little odd that he had never been to this big city, despite living in a college town not too far away.  Bots are used my internet marketers to do automated tasks, and sometimes, pose as real people, in order to get information from people.  Bots are all over the place, supposedly, on chat rooms and CL hookup sites as a way to harvest email addresses.... or plant cookies for pornography advertisements.

Or, maybe Clint was for real, but decided to erase his tracks by deleting his secondary email account that he uses primarily for his online secret life? He chickened out maybe? Who knows. I have see it all. Nothing will beat the time that I had date set up with a guy, and he did not show up at the restaurant.... he did this 2 weeks in a row too!  Was he a Bot too? Have I been chasing fake guys? LOL.

God. The gay adventures are surely to continue.... Just let me keep up my sense of humor to prevent insanity.

Coming Out Anniversary

Two years ago to the day, I came out for the first time to a few of my friends. It was a pretty big step for me. On the same day two years ago, my niece was born.  I will always remember these moments..... truly a meaningful Independence Day.

A Lesson In The Challenges Of Cultural Tolerance

OK, maybe I will stay with the Catholic Church. Gee that worship service at MCC was so uncomfortable for me.  I think because I felt like I did not have anything else in common with the others in the congregation, despite my sexual orientation.  Perhaps that answers the question of why I was not comfortable. Part of me may feel guilty for homophobia, but feeling uncomfortable around people who have almost nothing in common with you does not implicate me as a homophobe, I would argue.  Shit. I cannot believe I walked out of there. I could not sit there anymore.

One the way home, I re-examined what is important to me in a church. First, I value the scripture enough to the point that I would like the priest or minister to engage the congregation in more of a challenging way.... bringing in viewpoints that strengthen our faith, and allow us to open our minds.  In Catholicism, at least in my experience, good priests will bring in a rich context of Church history and theology and academic approaches to the Bible in order to really dissect, reflect, and deliver the meanings and the Word of God in the modern world context.

Although I did appreciate the sermon today, about forgiveness; and I felt he had a good message, and was a very good-hearted man... I really could not get into it.  I literally left toward the end of the service. I was waiting on baited breath for more Liturgy, for Holy Communion... for communal repetition of prayer. It was not there. I felt almost an emptiness, despite the spirit which obviously blesses the very people of that congregation.

In a very real way, I do not feel like I can find a home as a unique homosexual... I am truly caught somewhere in between the gay and the straight world.  The experience I had at the service this morning feeds straight int what I may label as the source of my homophobia.....  being surrounded by people I cannot relate to.  Perhaps prejudices source from that.......... the ability or the refusal to find common ground between groups or individuals.  I truly had a visceral response.. an uncomfortable feeling brewing in my body.. which I cannot deny.  Honestly, I feel a bit guilty about that....  I mean, shouldn't I have it in my heart to open myself to others? I think this is the tensions we feel as individuals and as a society in accepting others of different cultures.  We feel uncomfortable and do not know what to do.

So, is my walking away from this experience with a refusal to go back, a source of intolerance? I'm not sure. I still can't tell why I feel the way I do.  How can a man caught between gay/straight feel at home somewhere, if they cannot fully adopt either the homo or the hetero culture? It leaves me feeling very uneasy, and possibly in a quandry about how our society deals with the continuum between homosexuality and heterosexuality.  In fact, the prejudice can go the other direction too... where homosexuals begin to harbor an anger or resentment toward the heterosexual world. This too is not right.  How do we find middle ground?

Does God Really Care Which Christian Religion is Best?

As part of my new journey, I am searching for a new church.  I sometimes ask myself why I am doing this.. why do I put myself through yet another transition? Well, I feel a momentum to explore more things, to break out of my mold, to see what else is out there that could move my spirit perhaps in a more natural, grass-roots type of way.  Right now, the Catholic church to me feels formal, stale, heterosexual.  Although I do value the spiritual disciplines that I have gained from my most recent faith growth the past 2 years, I do not envision myself growing anymore as a contributing member... mostly because the whole "Catholic" social networks are geared toward heterosexual couples, and dating, and young adult groups... that just do not provide me with hope any longer. The whole "Catholic" thing, as a package, just creates sometimes a negative visceral response, associated with the resentment I harbor toward not being about to reconcile, in myself, the double standards in the Church.  I also cannot stand the intellectualizing of homosexuality, building a theology around homosexuality in order to promote their beliefs... which just have no basis in the roots of the human spirit or homosexuality.

So, I continue my journey. I went to a local community non-denominational church last week, and enjoyed the structure.  This week, I will venture into the Metropolitan Community Church, which sponsors the LGBT Center, and definitely is geared toward the gay community. I am a little nervous, to say the least, but just very eager to explore what it has to offer.  The next churches may include the Episcopalian churches around town, but I may then go back to the first bible church.. which felt vibrant, young, and energetic.

I thank God for my exposure to the Bible during the last couple years with my Catholic group. Without that, I would not have gained this appreciation of the Bible verses, small group studies, and speaking with other non-Catholic Christians about God's Word, and how it has affected me in so many ways. This has led me to explore other Christian religions.

A few things I am looking for in a church include a) active young adult / singles ministry; b) no hidden agendas or anti-homosexuality beliefs; c) social justice and community service opportunities; d) good music ministry; e) small group faith groups; f) other social outlets like men's breakfasts or weekly social gatherings or prayer times.

When I do finally find a new home to practice my Christian faith, I will consider to still go to Mass on Holy Days, Easter, and Christmas... in order to tap into those familiar feelings of rituals, sacraments, and old-world wisdom that does still appeal to me in many ways.  But, saying that, I need to spend a majority of my time in a more vibrant young community who can serve God in a more open and liberal way.

Although a few weeks ago I was feeling guilty about leaving the Catholic Church... which was odd anyhow... I am feeling much better about it now.  Why would one feel guilty about leaving the Church? It really has a hold on me,, perhaps because I have revered it in a way for so long, and really did strive to be a part of this structure and please God , family, and friends in this way.

I still want to hold onto my meditation and journal rituals, relying upon Thomas Merton and Henri Nouwen, and an occasional mass during the week for communion, or Holy days of obligation.  But for now, I need to chart this path. I should not feel bad about this. It's not like I'm casting away my belief in God, and the need to look toward Jesus as a good leader, person, and example.. Does God really care which Christian religion is best? I do not think so.

Transforming Fear Into Action

Well, since this is my spiritual reconnection and blogging day, I have decided to approach this gay networking as a project, and as such, in my own style, I have of course created an excel spreadsheet. On this spreadsheet, I have all the various groups and events available at my disposal, and the various dates that I will attend these events.  I am jumping full force into this, to see where the chips fall. I realize that starting in mid-July, the events will be coming in succession, so I should have no anxieties about meeting new people and feeling like I am making progress. I realize that I have found some holes in my previous approach, and that there are about 7 guys that look approachable on match.com. I also have so many opportunities for non-gay and gay groups events coming up this month, that I will be lambasted.  LOL.  I am going to be courageous.

Looking Back In Order To Look Forward

I am a man who always needs a plan.... to affirm to myself that I am moving forward in achieving my goals and dreams.  This, though, is difficult with finding partners.  I believe one needs to surround oneself with people with similar values, hobbies, and activities.  This is rather straightforward in the straight world..... the dating game becomes implied.. when a man asks out a woman who he may have met at a community happy hour. But, what about the closeted gays out there? Or the non-effeminate masculine gays who are hiding here and there without a voice, or a venue?  It becomes almost an impossible journey........

Here are the potential avenues:

a) Craigslist
b) Meetup.com
c) gay.com
d) eharmony compatibles
e) facebook groups
f) LGBT groups and community centers
g) churches
h) church support groups
i) yahoo matches
k) personal networking

In City A, I tried CL, meetup.com, gay.com, eharmony,com, personal networking.  What came from this were a few dates from CL, a few interesting responses and email conversations of encouragement when posting my blog, inquiries about Christianity, and postings about my frustrating journeys. I had no responses at all from the online dating sites. This made me upset. I did have the guts to show up to a meetup.com outdoor group, but I did not follow through with this because I was planning to relocate to City B.  I never had the guts to show up to a church-affiliated support group, and personal networking with friends did not go very far. I also did not have the guts to show up to a camping group that met regularly, although I did have opportunities.

The Steps Taken Thus Far: City A
Fuck, I guess as I step back and look at this, maybe I do still have some avenues to try. Of the experiences I did have: The positives from CL occurred when I posted on "platonic", or "misc. romance", and my postings were targeted toward Christians, and/or those who were still in the closet.  The negatives included the hook-up ads, which forced me into a vortex of fear and desire.. all at the same time.  For online sites, the positives included a couple of real responses, but never led to anything. The negatives included non-responses from so many people, it triggered feelings of rejection.  The meetup.com outdoor group was positive, because I felt comfortable with the people. The negative was I had some feelings of homophobia, and was trying to cling to the hottest guys and did not open up to others. I actually have been on 4 gay dates... which is not bad.  Out of those 4, I was comfortable with one, but because I was insecure still, he did not want to hang out with me.. too much baggage. I stated that I wanted to be more than friends. My own fault there.  The others were guys in their late 30's, early 40's that had been out for a long time, were making me feel uncomfortable, and sure had a lot of advice to me about how I should get laid as soon as possible.  Of my other sources of support, I think my coming out to friends has been a life-saver, as well as seeking gay-specific therapy.  Also, my online pal from Canada, despite my mixed feelings and boundary issues of having crushes on him,  has been a source of deep friendship and support.. and I love him dearly.

An Aside...
Now that I am in City B, perhaps I can take the opportunity to increase my  networking, and try some of those same techniques from City A again. Jesus. This sounds like a research project. My God. I have no other idea how to approach this coming out process, except to be proactive, and have a strategy for networking... Fuck, am I trying to hard? Perhaps this is the only way to make myself feel more in control, even if it's just an illusion of control.

To Be Done Still: City B
I have established myself the past few weeks in my new city, central to mid-town, which tends to be more liberal, non-traditional, and gay-friendly.  I can't tell you how much I love my neighborhood. It makes me feel more comfortable in a city that I formerly associated with the perfect suburb life of my childhood. This is much better now... living in this area. It allows me to establish my independence, and gives me a sense of freedom to explore the people and events surrounding me.

So, what can I do to proactively meet gay men and women? What is still to be completed, and how can I feel at least that I am trying and having fun meeting new people? Let's look back at what I have done in the past.

CL: OK, i have surfed a few entries on the platonic section, and some people look relatively nice, just looking for new pals.  perhaps I can try this for kicks, with no expectations. 

match.com: OK, now that yahoo and match have merged, and yahoo was previously ranked as one of the best gay dating sites, it may have just increased the pool. If I jump back into this, I need to really be thoughtful about my profile, put on some photos that show me in good light, and really be thorough with my entries.. which demonstrates I am serious about this.  And, in searching for others: I need to make sure I know what I'm looking for in a guy, and be selective, and really read profile carefully to see if I would like the guy.... not just looking for a cute face, but also looking for substance. Honestly, in City A, I just surfed and sent out quick emails to hot guys. LOL. I threw out a wide net to see what fish would respond. I think I need a better focused and thoughtful approach to this. I can also be open to make friends with people in other cities that match my background... because pen-pal relationships could form as well. I am willing to be open.

meetup.com: Not many groups in City B that surround gay men, or even Christian gay men. I'm not sure. I tried to start groups in City A, but just did not work very well.  Some Bible Study groups were active in City B, but I did not have the balls to show up.  Perhaps I search meetup.com again. 

churches: I have started to explore churches in this area.. and have a list of gay friendly Catholic churches, as well as some other potential gay churches... including Unitarian, MCC, some other Catholic churches. What am I after? I need structure. I like the option of small group discussions, and service-oriented activities for social justice.  I like the vibrancy and the grass-roots feeling of a parish that brings people in.  I need a young-adult outlet, ideally gay support group... but I'm not sure.  For now, I guess I can search for churches and write down different options. 

church groups: I have a goal of meeting with the gay catholic group soon; to explore the goals of this group and see if it feels like a good fit.

in-person groups: I have a goal of meeting with the young adult gay pride group of my city starting in a couple of weeks. I am impatient because they only meet once a month. I may feel a bit like I want things to move faster, but I don't know what else to do. I am also eager to drop by the MCC and see the LGBT center, and inquire about how I could get involved in more subtle, behind the scenes way.  I could show up to the LGBT community meeting, held after the board meeting. I also would like to become involved in some ballrooom dancing, and outdoor groups.. that are not necessarily gay-specific... as well as the Habitat Group.... 


Gee, now I have lots of options for networking... I should start my list, and get my calendar out and start planning!