Feel like an idiot with a problem who finally came to my senses after a couple of bad nights of trying to find a hook up. Who the fuck am I? I am not sure what to even attribute this to except.. a few changes... my medication decrease. When I start to dose down, I start to get impulsive and obsessive, and my mind starts to work on high gear. I feel it. It feels great. I'm creative, I feel productive... but at the same time, I get impulsive.
Getting impulsive on CL is not the best strategy, and I was saved.. yet again.. by the circumstances that always occur on a hookup site: idiots who do not follow through. Indeed, thank god for this. I was so eager for a hookup the other night... and apparently another athletic guy was as well... until he claimed he got pulled over by the cops on the way to see me and had to call it a night. In the meantime, I was sweating bullets with a panic attack halfway hoping the dude would not show up.
Fuck. I feel like this is true confessions. But seriously.... either I have a problem with sex addiction, a shade of manic-depression, an underdose of medication, or a combination of all of these. It's just in time for therapy tomorrow afternoon.. thank God.. where I can outlay some of these issues.
I want to be at a crossroads.. ... now that my homosexuality is not a source of enormous fear as it was 3 years ago, I want to get off the medications. But, if getting off the medications means it is difficult to manage my ups and downs... what do I do? I admit, I like the 'ups' of being on less dose.. I'm getting more done at work, I have a libido, I have more energy.. BUT.. when the lows hit (last night, for instance)... it's time to get out the panic attack meds... fuck, my stomach was hurling, my mind was racing after 4 hours of surfing for CL hookups.. Fuck...Fuck.. Fuck.. this is NOT me.... I want normalcy again.
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Dude,
ReplyDeleteThis does not sound fun at all. I think talking to a therapist is a great idea. And for now, I think staying on the meds is a good idea. I know most of those meds take a while to settle, so you have to be patient when down=dosing. Be careful, my Friend. Don't let your mind run away with you!