Searching For The Future

I'm searching for something and I do not know what it is.. I see the emotions on the television, see the love, the drama.... and part of me wants that love, wants the security.... and I cannot find it. This weekend, I followed a spontaneous instinct to go on an overnight roadtrip to a place of my childhood.. my grandparents ranch. When I got there, I discovered that the owner who had bought the land from my grandparents have all but abandoned the place,... the ranch house had burnt down, and all that was left was the rubble, the charred wood, the melted metal, and broken glass. Would I have been better off not going back, and just allowing the childhood memory to persist over time? It is now tarnished... To see a place that was so virbrant in my mind, now dead, abandoned, forgotten.. was eerie, sobering, depressing.  It left an impression on me..... demonstrating that life is transient... that memories and love are what persist, and even though the physical remnants of the past may die away and decay, the memories are what give us hope to continue.  I walked through the front gate which had been chained shut, with weeds overgrown; the road leading down to the now burnt down ranch house was overgrown. This was in stark contrast to the memories that persist so vividly in my mind of our past experiences there.... to be walking through the past.. of what seemed like a ghost... what was left in the present was just a shadow from the past... almost as if the past was not honored as sacred or important.  It was left there, exposed to the elements, the twisted metal, the singed wooden beams. It was a shock... and it made me think more about mortality, life, and death.  I thought to myself as I drove back home was the stark reality of my being gay turned to the dark side, of thinking I would never had a family of my own, never be able to build the memories around a home, a tradition, a loving family.  To this, I fear... it is this that I fear the most, that I will be alone, and not be able to build any memories or traditions that can live on to the next generation. What grandmom and grandad built was a family of immortal memories and love.. .which can be done in a traditional family.  What can be done in a non-traditional family? What can be done if we cannot find a loving partner because no venue exists in which to meet people? Can we in fact control our future whatsoever? If not, will I ever be able to build traditions and memories that can be cherished by my descendants? I am not sure, but I hold on to the hope.  I think that is why I grab on so tightly to the idea of having a cabin of some sort... a retreat.. which I can call my own.  Although I do not have a partner with whom to share it with yet, perhaps I will in the future.