Imagine If You Had to Cope With Homosexuality....

I try to wrap my head around why struggling with homosexuality is such a difficult issue... and every time I try to explain this to myself, my head goes into circles.... similar to what the journey seems to be right now: an endless circle going nowhere.

If I were to explain to somebody why it is so hard, these are some of the things that emerge:

a) You can't just 'change' this part of yourself... which for me is probably the most frustrating part.. that there is something fundamental about myself... my attraction to men...or at least my attraction to men in my fantasies....  that doesn't just go away, and because of this, it permanently changes the way I perceive my path of life... with respect to my personal life, falling in love, being in relationships.

b) Looking around into mainstream society.. whether it is at Mass; at restaurants; at festivals; at parks.. and seeing the traditional family interacting, and then knowing that I am unable, just because of how I am built or have been socialized, to attain that family setting with children.. that I have romanticized my whole life.

c) I feel like I almost have a 'condition'... and at least for now.. my contemplation time for myself.. my downtime.. my prayer time... is really devoured by feeling sorry for myself, or trying to strategize how I can improve my situation, or how I can find a date, or how I can feel normal.

d) Imagine if you had something bothering you that would bother you all the time.... something that fundamentally changes how you live your life; how others perceive you; how you define love and intimacy, which is such an important foundation of happiness in this current life. Imagine that you could not turn off that worry...... ever.

e) Even when I do try to embrace myself, I still have doubts... and I still feel uncomfortable, and feel like I am maybe making a 'decision' rather than following who I am.  I still wonder who I am, and whether I could be aroused by women if I were in a safe, nurturing environment.  It scares me, frustrates me, and results in a stalemate... of where I feel like exploring, where I should be exploring, and WHO I will ultimately BE in the long term.

f) Imagine that you have not quite found yourself, or found that part of you that still feels empty, and you so desperately want to fill it with meaning, with life, with love, with intimacy.. but you don't know how to get there, who will show you the way.. and everything that you do try to do seems to set you back a few steps instead of propel you forward a few steps...

g) Medications may help decrease obsessive thinking, but does not capture the crux of the issue: how to find happiness.  This cannot be found in a medication.. it needs to be found somewhere in the heart; in the spirit.  When the spirit is dragged down by identity crises.... it makes it difficult.... to not worry... about it..

**************

So, all of this being said...... of course, they are worries, and probably not as bad as they seem at the time. As I continue down my path of life, many other parts of my life.. apart from my sexuality issues... keep me fulfilled.  I thank God for this, because if I did not have such an enrichment in other parts of my life, it would make this journey even the more difficult. So, I thank my friends, my family, my colleagues, and of course.. my dog.. for keeping me happy and at peace.. a *majority* of the time, which is all that we can hope for, right?

Peace,
Ziggy