The 'Royal' We

Sometimes I just want to cry out, yell, shake people into the acceptance of the issues with which I am coping. As we are all just grown up children seeking acceptance and love..... this longing and need screams even louder for a man going through a sexuality crisis.  How is it that after 3.5 years of coping with this, out in the open, so to speak, I struggle so? It is the constant music in the back of my mind, wishing that I would someday feel OK with the implications of what my life will be like when I fully embrace myself.  I struggle with the truths, wishing they were false. I play mind games with myself, hoping that I indeed think that being naked with a man is just a phase, and I would be grossed out by it. These fears still exist, and I do not want them to exist.  I want society to recognize homosexuals as strong beings, beings who have gone through so much to get to where they are in accepting themselves as different, and having the courage to live out their lives a world of such persecution, bigotry, and misunderstanding. It creates in me a heavy heart, mostly knowing that I am truly a good person to the core, and knowing that one segment of myself, my sexuality, will trump all other judgement. To me, this seems so wrong, so unfair, so unjust.  I feel so proud of how far I have come in my journey, yet get frustrated to those I know will never accept that part of me. Do they know that my emotional growth, my confidence, my maturity is rooted in the very experience of coming out, and accepting myself? Can they not understand it?

I use the royal 'they' to represent different people I know; different groups in society; different institutions. I hear stories of 'them' rejecting their own daughters or sons because of sexuality; I hear stories of 'them' rejecting people in their own institution for reaching out to those in need. The only reason I can fathom that would explain such hateful behavior is fear, blindness, and misunderstanding.  Are these the states of mind that breed intolerance and bigotry? Most likely.  It is a shame that one's opinions, the dogma somebody follows, can result in rejection of somebody due to whether they would like to become intimate, fall in love, and have a deep satisfying relationship with somebody of the same sex. Do not we have the right to fulfill who we are? Are we truly misguided, or do we just know ourselves so well from having to soul search ourselves to the point of self-acceptance? I use the royal 'we' to represent the homosexuals, the transgendered, the bisexuals; a group of individuals who have most likely been through much emotional pain to try to get to a place in life where they can feel at peace.

Sometimes I just want to break down, cry, and feel loved.  It is with this transformation that I feel safe to do that, to come to terms with who I am and be OK with it.