The Fears I Still Quietly Harbor

As I exclaim my thanks for where I currently am in my life, I still harbor those fears which may manifest themselves later, as I continue down this journey of gayness.

I worry about the ramifications of people in the workplace knowing. I wonder, for example, what would happen if I brought my future partner to a black-tie event. Worse, I wonder what would happen if I did *not* bring my partner to a black-tie event.  I would rather not hurt my partner, and would need to brace myself and be strong for the potential workplace consequences.  It really does make me nervous, and has recently become a worry as a new faculty member being invited to various extracurricular activities.

Although I do look forward to the day I have a companion, I do keep in the back of my mind the challenges of introductions to family; having to confront the issues of family awkwardness. I know my tendency for anger to flare up in the face of being unfairly targeted or treated unjustly, so I can't even fathom the fallout from a family dispute involving rejection of my future partner.  Maybe I should focus on the positive rather than the negatives.  Maybe things will be easier once I find somebody; and these bridges may be easier to cross in the presence of love and devotion.

I worry less, but still worry, about sexual interactions and comfort levels.  If I have just gone down this gayness path with just theoretical notions of myself coupled with some isolated (albeit repeated patterns) of not being sexual aroused by women.. and it ends up to be all in my mind.... Fuck.... it's just so crazy to think about this.  If I think about this, my mind gets entangled with philosophical notions of 'How do we truly know our identity?' or 'What happens if I indeed AM in control of my sexual preference and can exercise choice?'. And if the latter is true, "Am I going down a path which I indeed to not have to go down in order to be fulfilled?'.  It is tough that these questions still cross my mind.

I wish that things in life were certain.  I can only go on experiential learning at this point, and follow my heart, my mind, and my body. As far as following God... I can do that to, as long as God does not ascribe to the homophobic theologies of fundamental Christian religions.  As far as I know, God does not do that. The reason why I know that is because my coming out experience has led to a sense of peace and fulfillment, which God would not have created if I he did not think that gayness was inherently wrong.