I Need to Take 10 Showers to Feel Pure Again

I just don't understand so many things about myself now. I thought I did understand. What was I doing for all those months, working through all my fantasies, all my urges, all my longings.... does this failed hookup negate all of that hard work? Does it negate this new person I'm trying to become? Or does this just prove that sexual encounters, for me, need to only be within the context of trust, love, and attraction.  Perhaps it is the latter. I can't say for sure though.  Why can't there be certainty? I was thinking certainly that a safe harmless hookup would be a good litmus test. Instead, it has just generated more questions, rather than just answering the key one: Am I Gay? This is just so perplexing. I have heard the first encounter is always awful, and I never quite understood why. Maybe now I do.  But where to go next? Are these gay groups really appropriate, if I am not sure? If I am bisexual, maybe the group if fine.  Maybe if I just am celibate the rest of my life, and not define myself..I'll be fine. Fuck, I don't know. Why is this all the sudden so difficult again? I know that I have felt physical attraction towards males.....  In this case, there was no attraction.. it was just using each other for getting off.  God. I'm such a male slut. I need to take 10 showers and go to the gym to feel pure again. Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned.. big time.