I Just Want to Fucking Know Already Who I Am

As my Weight Watchers coach says, sometimes you just have to hit the reset button and not be so hard on yourself. I find this difficult with my sexuality issues.  I had a pretty stressful and busy week, slept on the couch, did not exercise, had kidney stone issues, and really just got into a rut about life.  Plus, I'm taking less medications, which probably is not a good idea given all these things going on.

So, I'm hitting the reset. I stayed away from work all day today, to give myself some distance, despite the work I still need to do.  I think this was the best thing I could do for myself to take a step back and wonder what is going on.  I was on verges of crying spells as well; and feel my mind racing a lot; getting onto negative thought cycles about my circumstances, and then doom and gloom set in..... then I get depressed. I bet you anything it's because I decreased my medications because I was trying to taper down.. then look what happened.

I just don't know anymore. Why the sexuality, companionship thing is dominating negative thoughts in my head lately, and why I'm so negative, and obsessed with it.  There must be a mixture of my mental state of mind mixed into this, and I'm eager to talk to counselor on Monday.

My dreams have been quite vivid this week, perhaps very telling of the etiology and roots of my sexual discoveries as a young kid. A lot of my dreams lately have rooted back to the camp I went to when I was little... this is when I remember having some of my first curious, homoerotic feelings.  One particular kid at camp, who was a friend of mine...... we had an 'experience' one time, for lack of better term, that was extremely erotic for me.  I hung onto that, I think, for years... because many of my sexual dreams that I had during my repressive years.. this friend was in those dreams.  He has been a recurring character in all of my sex dreams.... over the past... God, I guess, the past 15 years.  The other friend in my dream somebody from high school.  So, this past week: both of these friends were present in the dream; and we, plus my immediate family, were all at this camp together, doing pretty hardcore camp outs.

One of the dreams was extremely disturbing: I was moving my own dead body (corpse) from behind a refrigerator up to a room in a closet, before my parents found out.  During this task, the skin on my own body (my body that was alive) was flushing away, and I could not understand why.  My parents were terrified and furious at the same time, wondering what we were going to say to the dermatologist about how I was wasting away... but at the same time.. I think.. the curiousity was why I existed in 2 places: a dead body, and myself.

I just can't quite figure it out. I think I was putting my old body, my dead self, back into the closet... but my alive self.. was still going through a metamorphasis. it was absolutely strange. But I remember so clearly it was the camp I grew up at... and we were all there together.

Sometimes during these dreams, other characters show up that I had man crushes on during my life..... and when I think back, the dreams are pretty damn accurate about who I really did like.  Some are rooted in real experiences at camp. As a kid, I remember so clearly, the first day in the cabin as an 11 year old, my 23 year old counselor was changing in front of everybody, and he did not care that his penis was just right there in front of everybody sticking through his jeans as he was getting dressed. Gee. I had never seen anything like that before.  Were my roots of homosexuality realized at such an early age?  But at the same time, when all the guys were being macho and wanting to strut their stuff during skinny dipping, and such. or all the guys getting around the fire at end of night and peeing on it to put it out. ... I was so private about this, that I never participated... even though part of me craved to be a part of that.. to participate in this male bonding....

So as I accept myself now, at age 35, I want to recreate those images and experiences of fascination in which I was not allowed to fully engage, but now I want to.  Those times of innocence, which do not exist anymore. I want to go back, but I know that I cannot.  Everything seems so tainted now..... homoeroticism now seems to have the air of seediness, and not a natural curiousity of an adolescent.. before societal norms formed our judgements about what was right, what was wrong.

But I guess the guys who hang onto homoeroticism, and cannot let go of it, are the ones who are gay.  Can it ever be overcome? Can a gay man convert back to being straight? How does one really know if you are straight or gay, without having the experience?

I don't want to struggle with this anymore. I just want to fucking know already, who I am.