I am learning how to let go, and just be... it has been quite a good week. As I dose down on my meds slowly and safely, I am also becoming mindful of my emotional boundaries and triggers. I am also forgiving myself for not always being on top of my game, and if I have had a long day, not to push myself harder to keep working. Academia can be grinding if we cannot set our own boundaries. Tonight I had confidence in myself that I could put my work aside, even though I am 'behind' what I originally scheduled, in favor of renting a movie and relaxing. I am sure it will serve me better in the end, although I still have quite a mountain of work to fit in....somehow...in the morning.
With my medication dose down, my appetite, oddly, has increased.. which is frustrating with trying to watch my weight watchers points. My productivity at work has increased... although I go in pretty intense spurts, followed by some exhaustion.. I find it hard to moderate my pace when my deadlines are so close. Academia requires self-regulation,, which is in itself, a challenge at times.
I have let go of an online toxic friendship that was causing me many ups and downs. Although I went back in the past, this time I am letting go for good. It served it's purpose, but is now just causing grief, distrust, anger, and manipulation. Not a good combination given I am sensitive and get very caught up in the winds of intense emotions. Letting go of this has also allowed me to let go of my most recent phase of endless Craigs List searching for sex.... a fantasy gone completely unchecked.
I had no fucking clue that exploring ones sexuality would lead to such trials, tribulations, and disappointment. I had no idea that it would be so difficult to find a date, or that the most accessible, and I dare to say 'only' accessible scene is the online hook-up. I have almost resigned myself to giving up finding a date.... and just try to meet people by doing activities around town. Is that the only way?
It is liberating in a way to know that I am my own Captain of my own ship. I'm single, with a new set of wheels and sense of adventure, and confidence about my life. I have so much passion for my career, and for the adventures of life.. I have decided to embrace these regardless of having a partner...... because although I may not have had a choice in my sexuality, and "who I am", at least I have a choice in embracing what I love and enjoying life.
So, onward and upward.... I guess.... I have some hope that I am on a healthier path.... Nobody said that finding love was easy, or a quick path... Also, love comes in many forms. Perhaps the other forms of love in my life right now are plentiful enough to make up for the absence of romantic love....... which provides me a sense of hope and thanks.
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