Contemplative Weariness

It's a quiet Thanksgiving Eve as I sit and reflect on my life in quiet solitude with a winter breeze blowing across the front porch, leaves rustle. I am not sure how I would describe my mood..... pensive, melancholy, content, a little bit defeated, resigned... I am not quite sure. I sit here feeling content about my career, my daily routine, my personal growth. I think back to all I have learned and gone through the past 3 years.. And here I sit.........

I feel like I am finally living an honest and full life. To myself and to God, I have shown all my cards. I am not ashamed, but proud. I am not necessarily as fearful as I used to be, but I do have a weariness about me. This weariness is like the leftover fear that stabbed me so sharply 3 years ago... this weariness is a familiar weariness.... almost a complacent composite of all gay fears in one feeling.. but the fears have muted. They still play in the background, but I have resigned myself to just accept the music.

I think back to those raw emotions of terror... I truly mean terror..... thinking back to some of my mental states of sobbing and being petrified of how my life was going to change.  I was in such a state of fear that I could not think straight, I felt guilty, I felt dishonest, I felt disgusted with myself......

In stark contrast to those terrible moments, my thoughts and fears of my sexuality evokes more of a weariness, complacency, and comfort....... perhaps my soul and spirit has mercifully transformed the original jagged edged fears into tolerable, muted fears.. but muted fears that I can put onto a shelf, in clear view, but can talk about them now. I guess these fears used to be covered with the cobwebs and dust of my insecurities. Now, they are displayed quietly, yet inconspicuously on the shelf... ever present, yet not necessarily intrusive.

So here I sit. I have all my cards in front of me, my fears are quietly, objectively, sitting on a shelf.. Looking objectively at my life, my ducks are all in a row. I have nothing that I should be worried about or even complaining about..

But, I still feel an emptiness, a void... which, to my dismay, is having difficulty being filled despite my own volition and attempts to search out companionship and intimacy. Alas, I may search it out in misguided way... but what other way would there be? How can I control this? Why can I not advance in this part of my life as I do in other parts of my life?

This is truly the lesson..  Is this the time when I resign to the forces of life, to God, to the Universe, and hope that my self-acceptance will result in a fulfilling life of some type of companionship? Is companionship my destiny? Naturally, I think that the next step in becoming comfortable with my sexuality would be to seek out companionship. But, when practically speaking, when all my steps toward that lead nowhere, I am left with no choice but to go inward, and accept ones circumstances with a sort of resignation, melancholy.  And it is to that which inspires this sort of, I don't know... weariness.... that does not quite want to go away.

Thankfully, this weariness leads me to a contemplative state of mind during which I can reflect upon the direction of the next step of my spiritual growth... which I believe.... is probably what I need: some spiritual guidance.