Self-Awareness Of a More 'Purified' State of Mind

My goal is to cease taking my anti-anxiety medications, which I began taking 2.5 years ago in response to my coming out crisis, in conjunction with all my other life's difficulties happening concurrently, including purchasing a house, breaking up from my girlfriend, and coping with an awful, career-halting, job as a research analyst.

As I have slowly dosed down over the past 2 months, I have noticed very subtle, yet important, changes in my mood and behaviors. First, I tend to get emotional much more quickly, whether that is anger, irritation, stress, sadness, or horniness.  Second, my thought patterns are much 'faster' now, increasing my ability to be more productive and creative as a professor on my writings and research plans and strategies.  The latter is unbelievably cool; the former is a bit cumbersome. I figure that with my heightened awareness of my boundaries, I will be able to deal with the first issue (emotional turbulence) using preventivie measures such as behavior modification, and changing my environment to prevent stressful outbreak when necessary.  If I know my triggers, I can either avoid the situation entirely, or I can just be OK with my transient emotional states as long as they have a shortened latency period.

What is so liberating about this experience is that I can 'go back' to my 'former self', but OMIT the insecurities associated with gayness, coming out, guilt, and low self-esteem. In contrast, I can now live out my life with gayness, self-assurance, high confidence, and hope. In the past, my circular thought patterns occuring 'sans medication, pre-coming out' involved guilt, disgust, and fear about being attracted to men. The medication and psychotherpy over 2.5 years have lessened these fears, enough to be able to lessen the medications.  Now, the thought patterns that I may have 'sans medication, post-coming out' are just the standard fare that most people have: when will I ever find a date! LOL.  I mean, I guess I should not minimize the situation, but I must admit it is much more comforting to be worried about finding a date, versus worrying about an identity crisis!   My 'faster thoughts', occuring as a result of less medications, can be directed toward loving my friends and family, devoting myself to hard work within academia, and embracing my creative and 'life-embracing' side of my personality.

I like to think that I can now be in a 'pure' state again... without medications... back to how I was, but substantially healed from my initial coming out journey.