And I Still Don't Like Saying I'm Gay Even Though I Now Rent Gay Films (and think they are good!)

It was like I was him.... my heart sank when his did, my heart wrenched when his did. I remember the times when I hit the bottle during times of distress and confusion. Coming to terms with my sexuality.. the early days... were rough. I watched a movie tonight, that brought me back in touch with those same feelings of awkwardness, fear, insecurity.... wow. I was watching myself on film.. it was, actually startling...... but also encouraging, scary, comforting.. all simultaneously.....It brought back my own memories of awkwardness, insecurities... that if were filmed, would have been so similar to the scenes portrayed in this film....  even the exact phrases used... thought processes....... 

I remember those times of being just so utterly confused, yet knowing the truth about myself, and so scared.. that the only thing I could do was grab a few beers and drink by myself and get depressed.... It was a comfort... to let go... and just accept the fact that I did not know what the fuck I was going to do. 

I remember countless times feeling like a wallflower at college parties.... shy, awkward.. but desperately seeking attention..... there was a quiet neediness running through me... the etiology, unknown.. I felt I was different, but could not identify this, or understand why...  

The end of this movie was hopeful...... as he begins to accept himself, tell his best friend, and even accept that he did not really know fully his sexuality.... he is able to smile and relax.... 

It is interesting in the few gay films I have watched the past couple weeks, they seem to place the coming out experience, all the emotions, stages of grief, acceptance.. and portray these as occurring over a 3 week period... In reality, though, is this the case? 

I am realizing that good, well-produced and thought out gay films about relationships are good. It is a way to explore the emotions that I have been through, and will go through... in a different dimension. Perhaps this is the next area of discovery..... good gay films....... For, if it is a good film, I am always struck about how I can relate to the emotions of some of the characters.... to the point where I can almost reach back and feel my own experience........ Perhaps just another piece of the puzzle... another confirmation.. that I am....... gay.... maybe. I still have trouble saying that.