I am a man who always needs a plan.... to affirm to myself that I am moving forward in achieving my goals and dreams. This, though, is difficult with finding partners. I believe one needs to surround oneself with people with similar values, hobbies, and activities. This is rather straightforward in the straight world..... the dating game becomes implied.. when a man asks out a woman who he may have met at a community happy hour. But, what about the closeted gays out there? Or the non-effeminate masculine gays who are hiding here and there without a voice, or a venue? It becomes almost an impossible journey........
Here are the potential avenues:
a) Craigslist
b) Meetup.com
c) gay.com
d) eharmony compatibles
e) facebook groups
f) LGBT groups and community centers
g) churches
h) church support groups
i) yahoo matches
k) personal networking
In City A, I tried CL, meetup.com, gay.com, eharmony,com, personal networking. What came from this were a few dates from CL, a few interesting responses and email conversations of encouragement when posting my blog, inquiries about Christianity, and postings about my frustrating journeys. I had no responses at all from the online dating sites. This made me upset. I did have the guts to show up to a meetup.com outdoor group, but I did not follow through with this because I was planning to relocate to City B. I never had the guts to show up to a church-affiliated support group, and personal networking with friends did not go very far. I also did not have the guts to show up to a camping group that met regularly, although I did have opportunities.
The Steps Taken Thus Far: City A
Fuck, I guess as I step back and look at this, maybe I do still have some avenues to try. Of the experiences I did have: The positives from CL occurred when I posted on "platonic", or "misc. romance", and my postings were targeted toward Christians, and/or those who were still in the closet. The negatives included the hook-up ads, which forced me into a vortex of fear and desire.. all at the same time. For online sites, the positives included a couple of real responses, but never led to anything. The negatives included non-responses from so many people, it triggered feelings of rejection. The meetup.com outdoor group was positive, because I felt comfortable with the people. The negative was I had some feelings of homophobia, and was trying to cling to the hottest guys and did not open up to others. I actually have been on 4 gay dates... which is not bad. Out of those 4, I was comfortable with one, but because I was insecure still, he did not want to hang out with me.. too much baggage. I stated that I wanted to be more than friends. My own fault there. The others were guys in their late 30's, early 40's that had been out for a long time, were making me feel uncomfortable, and sure had a lot of advice to me about how I should get laid as soon as possible. Of my other sources of support, I think my coming out to friends has been a life-saver, as well as seeking gay-specific therapy. Also, my online pal from Canada, despite my mixed feelings and boundary issues of having crushes on him, has been a source of deep friendship and support.. and I love him dearly.
An Aside...
Now that I am in City B, perhaps I can take the opportunity to increase my networking, and try some of those same techniques from City A again. Jesus. This sounds like a research project. My God. I have no other idea how to approach this coming out process, except to be proactive, and have a strategy for networking... Fuck, am I trying to hard? Perhaps this is the only way to make myself feel more in control, even if it's just an illusion of control.
To Be Done Still: City B
I have established myself the past few weeks in my new city, central to mid-town, which tends to be more liberal, non-traditional, and gay-friendly. I can't tell you how much I love my neighborhood. It makes me feel more comfortable in a city that I formerly associated with the perfect suburb life of my childhood. This is much better now... living in this area. It allows me to establish my independence, and gives me a sense of freedom to explore the people and events surrounding me.
So, what can I do to proactively meet gay men and women? What is still to be completed, and how can I feel at least that I am trying and having fun meeting new people? Let's look back at what I have done in the past.
CL: OK, i have surfed a few entries on the platonic section, and some people look relatively nice, just looking for new pals. perhaps I can try this for kicks, with no expectations.
match.com: OK, now that yahoo and match have merged, and yahoo was previously ranked as one of the best gay dating sites, it may have just increased the pool. If I jump back into this, I need to really be thoughtful about my profile, put on some photos that show me in good light, and really be thorough with my entries.. which demonstrates I am serious about this. And, in searching for others: I need to make sure I know what I'm looking for in a guy, and be selective, and really read profile carefully to see if I would like the guy.... not just looking for a cute face, but also looking for substance. Honestly, in City A, I just surfed and sent out quick emails to hot guys. LOL. I threw out a wide net to see what fish would respond. I think I need a better focused and thoughtful approach to this. I can also be open to make friends with people in other cities that match my background... because pen-pal relationships could form as well. I am willing to be open.
meetup.com: Not many groups in City B that surround gay men, or even Christian gay men. I'm not sure. I tried to start groups in City A, but just did not work very well. Some Bible Study groups were active in City B, but I did not have the balls to show up. Perhaps I search meetup.com again.
churches: I have started to explore churches in this area.. and have a list of gay friendly Catholic churches, as well as some other potential gay churches... including Unitarian, MCC, some other Catholic churches. What am I after? I need structure. I like the option of small group discussions, and service-oriented activities for social justice. I like the vibrancy and the grass-roots feeling of a parish that brings people in. I need a young-adult outlet, ideally gay support group... but I'm not sure. For now, I guess I can search for churches and write down different options.
church groups: I have a goal of meeting with the gay catholic group soon; to explore the goals of this group and see if it feels like a good fit.
in-person groups: I have a goal of meeting with the young adult gay pride group of my city starting in a couple of weeks. I am impatient because they only meet once a month. I may feel a bit like I want things to move faster, but I don't know what else to do. I am also eager to drop by the MCC and see the LGBT center, and inquire about how I could get involved in more subtle, behind the scenes way. I could show up to the LGBT community meeting, held after the board meeting. I also would like to become involved in some ballrooom dancing, and outdoor groups.. that are not necessarily gay-specific... as well as the Habitat Group....
Gee, now I have lots of options for networking... I should start my list, and get my calendar out and start planning!
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