The Attraction is Undeniable

After reading some good stories from the book "Boys Like Us", a collection of essays from gay writers telling their coming out stories, I realize that I have been conciously aware of my gayness for even longer than I had realized........ In all honesty, I think I came out for the first time in the spring of 1998 or 1999, when I had a massive crush on a male friend of mine, and I actually told him I did, which created so much turmoil and terror in myself (even more than him), that I ran into the closet even further, covered up my feelings, created walls and defense mechanisms... which lasted me through my first relationship with a woman, which started in 2001 and ended in 2003 partly as a result of the lack of physical intimacy, mostly on my part of not getting aroused by her.  So, why didn't I just come out then? I do remember walking through the park one day, after having broken up with this woman, and whispering to myself 'Maybe I am gay'; and was quite relieved that I had gotten out of that relationship, but still did not want to admit to myself that I liked guys. I honestly thought it was a phase; and I was hoping and praying that being in a relationship with the right woman would eradicate all of these past emotions I had for a man.... emotions that were undeniably real.. so real that I once threw away all the photos of a trip I took with this friend in order that nobody... most importantly, my girlfriends, would not ask who that person was......  Those insecurities were so palpable... only as much as 4 years ago (1 year before coming out); that it was no wonder I ended up bursting at the seems once I failed once again to get aroused by my , yes, my 4th girlfriend over a 7 year time span. Wow. what was I thinking? what was I doing? Why couldn't I have come to grips with this years ago to avoid all the pain through which I went, as well as my ex-girlfriends? The fears of being a homosexual in a heterosexual world are strong enough to drive a man towards those strong psychological barriers and defenses.. which in a way... if not eventually 'dealt with' can lead to a lifetime of pain and suffering. So, I am glad that I finally have thrown open the closet door. Perhaps at age 24 I was not quite ready to open the closet. Clearly, I was not, since I dealt with my first homosexual feelings with such insecurity and fear.  God, I was so attracted to that man. The fantasies I harbored were so palpable, so obvious.. as I think back. And, to be able to relate in such a deep way to a story written by a gay writer is yet more proof that my attraction to men is undeniable. To be able to relate in such a deep way to this story is in a way, liberating, especially knowing that all those feelings I had growing up and during college, others have had as well. It makes me feel less alienated, and makes the affirmation of my gayness even more real and genuine.. So for that, I am thankful.