An Objective Re-Evaluation

This has been quite a week of activity leading to stressful emotions for me..... grandmom had to go to the hospital; I underestimated the time it would take to write lectures that were due and had to do a bit of cramming, so I wore myself out; I had a date with a guy I have a crush on, and my hopes kinda made my head spin; I am getting good insights and advice from folks on my blog as well as those I correspond with online about the importance of being happy being single, or I will exude some type of desperation, neediness, and loneliness. Fuck,

This is making me re-evaluate things a bit. I mean, I consider myself a gregarious, compassion, outgoing, extraverted person. Ask my wide circle of friends..  But, I also have this other side of me which has been glaringly obvious to me this week... to me, and obviously to others.. that kinda makes me nervous, and wonders whether I truly know who I am, or how I interact with others.

I'm not sure the root of the problem, or how to resolve it. I think I just need to start filling my life with hobbies again. For example, I had a dream last night that I got involved again in my ballroom dancing. That was such a great hobby that led to so much happiness, fulfillment, challenge, friendships, and fellowship.  I love the combination of music, dancing, conversation, letting go.. and just having fun.

Fuck, I get so immersed in work obligations, that I get lost in my head; which is a big part of the problem. I lose sight of my own needs, what makes me happy.... Once I figure that out, things could improve dramatically in my personal life.

Oddly, despite all of this, I have met a few more guys on line...like, in a non-hook up kind of way, where they're interested in going out for a beer. This is all good; I just need do detach myself, chill out and bit, and have fun with the dates.

Yes, I think that is what is so strange. I am so worried about finding a BF, and I can't even enjoy the moment of a date, and I keep thinking forward and ahead to 'relationship'. I think people can sniff that out from a mile away.

I hope that I can reconcile myself soon; and I hope that my friend wants to go out on a second date. the ball is in his court, and I will gladly keep it there for now... ....because all of these insights from the past few days have taught me to take a step back and not take this all so fucking seriously.

Yes: 2 primary qualities about myself: 1) I have a tendency to be very tightly 'wound' and 2) I am a people pleaser. Those two in combination, when I'm stressed, feeling needy: is a total disaster waiting to happen. God help me. I'm glad I have identified some things to work on now :)

thanks, all for your comments. will help me get onto a new tack, and I hope life will start improving now :)