I'm emotionally and physically attracted to a young man met in a chat room. Am I a crazy lunatic? A male slut? I ask myself this. My fantasies are getting ahead of me; the emotions I feel though nag at my solitude, and my yearning for a connection. So, when it happens, it's hard to just walk away. Here is the story: I met a younger dude on a chat room, and we hit it off, and we've been chatting regularly ever since. Deep conversations. Laughter. Sharing intimate emotions with one another. Establishing a trust. Last night we talked about a movie, and shared a few clips from online, and discussed. We also talked about white water canoeing, wine, and camping. The attraction is mutual, and is difficult for me to process because it is an impossible situation: he's does not live in the USA. This may begin and end as a chat-room romance, but I must say, I like the guy, and look forward to at least being pen-pals, for what it is worth. Meanwhile, I pursue local :) dates, to no avail. Frustrating, but true. Dead ends. I try to tell myself that I've made it pretty far this year; so I shouldn't beat myself up over this. It does not diminish the need to be loved and be in a close relationship. So, my quest continues.
To keep this void filled, I have a quest to find a new job, which will lead me to new cites, new experiences, and new worlds. This keeps the hope alive. I think I'm already emotionally separating myself from North Carolina; knowing the inevitable: I want to move on. I want to re-define myself in all aspects, including my environment.
So, even if my cyber-pal friendship is transient and the quest to get to know him more may not lead anywhere "real", at least my job search will bring me to new lands.
And in the meantime, I continue to grow.
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Yes, I can see why I was so enamored with this guy... he was in essence the first guy I could freely express my feelings, have an attraction, and have some type of relationship with.. despite it being 'cyber'. I think back a year ago to when this was going on. I really was turned on by our relationship. It felt very real. Things have changed now. We will send an occasional text message to say hello.. but I realized that I was putting too much emotion and stock into this friendship which, he admitted, was not going to go much further than something online. Alas, it was an experience nonetheless, and I lived and I learned. He was hot though, I must admit.
ReplyDeleteIn the cyber-world, it is natural to place our fantasies onto a person we do not know, and virtually construct our ideal man. Of course since we never see them in person, or interact with them, in 3-D, real life situations.. it is so easy and safe to build your little fantasy into a clean, trouble-free, hot and heavy romance. God, I was so naive, but at the same time, so desperate for something real, that I could hang my emotions onto, in order to identify myself as a gay man
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