What I do not understand is how my mother thinks I'm jumping the gun when I'm saying I'm coming out. It's like she thinks that I'm making an uninformed decision about myself without seeking regular counseling first; that my off and on counselling is not sufficient for me to figure myself out. It's ridiculous. I agree I need counselling for the coming out process; but to have somebody question whether I'm ready for it is infuriating when she doesn't even understand what it is like to be in this situation. Why do I even feel the need to justify myself to my mom when it comes to my sexuality? Don't people understand that shrinks can only do so much. They help us become honest with ourselves, and identify behaviors, thoughts from the past that help us conclude who we are. I've never been so honest with myself in my life. I could write a list (and in fact, I already have) about signs of my attraction to guys. Who can argue with that? It's so fucking frustrating to have to justify myself to people; when I KNOW who I am!! Damn it it pisses me off.
Now, that being said, I can see the viewpoint of my parents that I do need counseling for my mental health, independent of the sexual identity crisis. It's gotten to the point, though, that I know that one of the roots of all of this is the sexual identity. And I don't need an counselor to tell me that. I just need a counselor to help me through how to accept and deal with the truth.
So, I know the truths about myself intimately. It's when I feel cornered and need to justify them to somebody else, to make them understand, as they say "are you sure"; rationalizing that I am just confused, and have had bad relationships, I say: STOP. I am not having this conversation with you anymore to justify who I am. I agree that I need to seek professional help for coping, but I am not going to waste my energy convincing you that I know my sexual identify much better than you do.
This is so interesting. This blog needs more reader/comments. Come on people! Damnit!
ReplyDeleteI read back to this, and again, I thank God for my progress that much of this angst, very present in my language and my concerns toward family, my sexuality, counseling... have all simmered down to a much more manageable 'issue', In fact, the sexuality identity in itself is not the issue anymore.... it's now coping with the reality of this new world; navigating; safely finding new friends. Gone mostly are the worries of wondering what other people think... Out with old, in with the new. In fact, I am becoming everyday more outspoken about homosexuality, and feel a little part of me wanting to be the activist. I do so in my own way.. quietly, and when needed.
ReplyDeleteWow, this is a good entry. This really does a good job illustrating the angst, frustration of coming out. The fears were starting to leave, it was more the coping with parents, and/or navigate whether, how, or "if" to justify myself, and prove myself. I'm so glad this is not an issue anymore.. All of these feelings are now moot... but it does remind me of the really intense mental breakdown I had in front of my parents when I was home for a visit during a summer trip..... it must have been prior to my moving back to Kansas City..... I was in an argument with mom about the thermostat of all things, then.. I just completely lost it...... they called the psychiatrist to ask for assistance, and whether I could use some medication to calm me down. After this huge crying episode, and bearing my soul to my parents...... I think back of how much I must have needed to just come out prove to them, or at least express to them.. the intense emotional pain this coming out journey was causing me....... in hindsight, it was a necessary episode..... My soul and spirit were screaming in agony, for love, for affirmation..... from the deepest part of me... and I was crying out in desperation for help, and love. This was indeed a turning point for me, as well as my parents... toward healing. Although this was not my only intense crying episode (I did have some by myself in NC, which scared the shift out of me), I think I felt immensely better after this, having brought my parents into my world (albeit a bit abruptly), I think it definitely helped illustrate to them the deep pain in my soul and spirit....My parents loving reaction and tending to me, was so beautiful and loving, that describing that scene still makes me cry to this day....
ReplyDeleteRESONATES: "....I understand that I need counselling to discern all these stressful events: quitting my job; anxiety; depression;sexual identity. In fact, it's monstrous how many things I am coping with right now....... I agree I need counselling for the coming out process; but to have somebody question whether I'm ready for it is infuriating when she doesn't even understand what it is like to be in this situation. Why do I even feel the need to justify myself to my mom when it comes to my sexuality? Don't people understand that shrinks can only do so much. They help us become honest with ourselves, and identify behaviors, thoughts from the past that help us conclude who we are. I've never been so honest with myself in my life. I could write a list (and in fact, I already have) about signs of my attraction to guys. Who can argue with that? It's so fucking frustrating to have to justify myself to people; when I KNOW who I am!! Damn it it pisses me off........I do need counseling for my mental health, independent of the sexual identity crisis. It's gotten to the point, though, that I know that one of the roots of all of this is the sexual identity. And I don't need an counselor to tell me that. I just need a counselor to help me through how to accept and deal with the truth.......So, I know the truths about myself intimately. It's when I feel cornered and need to justify them to somebody else, to make them understand, as they say "are you sure"; rationalizing that I am just confused, and have had bad relationships, I say: STOP. I am not having this conversation with you anymore to justify who I am. I agree that I need to seek professional help for coping, but I am not going to waste my energy convincing you that I know my sexual identify much better than you do."
ReplyDelete