I'm just trying to survive my last few days here at work...... .. even these last weeks, i cannot seem to succeed in work-life balance. I wonder whether this will be the case no matter what job I end up taking. I worry. And I wonder where did all my motivation go? If I do want to pursue academia, I would have to have a source of energy that is not in me right now. Where would that energy originate? Do I really like research?
I have also noticed another change this week: this job search / career shift has distracted me from the homosexuality issue. Part of me wonders: is that because I'm not gay, or is that because I'm going through a major life change with my career?
It's difficult within 3 or 4 weeks to finally realize that a career path that you envisioned yourself taking is not realistic, is not for you.
And these life changes are in parallel: coming out; career shift. It's draining. I just wish I reach some type of resolution or plan soon.
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Gays and str8s agree: We want more Ziggy.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about this posting just the other day, specifically my concern about whether I would ever see again the internal motivation for research. Indeed I have found myself again in that regard, thank goodness. It goes to show that life's rites-of-passage, sometimes concurrent with feelings of depression and angst, can decrease motivation for every day life's activities. I am glad I am now in a much different place. In fact, I am so motivated by work, and how fun it is, that I feel myself needing to create boundaries so I don't forget about the other pleasures in life.
ReplyDeleteThis is striking, the fear I identifed in wondering whether my motivation for work would rejuvenate once I had my career shift. I must have been in a really rough spot.. for sure...... that crappy ending at RTI was just the icing on the cake on what seemed to be everything converging at the same time. The intense emotions going on.. I still can't believe it. One of the things I still tell people now regarding my 'coming out', was the concentration of emotional 'shit' going on all at the same time: 1) intense fears of coming out, acutely manifesting themselves, concurrently with 2) buying a new house; 3) breaking up with my then girlfriend; 4) anxiety and depression which were happening as a result of all of this... this was just insane. I remember I was bursting at the seams with negative energy, especially the week prior to coming out to my GF.. I was literally clinically depressed, losing weight, socially withdrawn, and in serious trouble. I knew what I had to do, I knew the truth... which made it even harder. I remember distinctly curling up into a ball onto my couch every day coming home from work, just b/c I didn't want to face the world. I remember my appetite went to crap, and I lost 16 pounds. I remember having to face the daily life of work, friends, etc.. who had no clue what I was going through, b/c I was so fearful to bring it up. Wow. I can't believe the intensity of that.
ReplyDeleteRESONATES: "It's difficult within 3 or 4 weeks to finally realize that a career path that you envisioned yourself taking is not realistic, is not for you.
ReplyDeleteAnd these life changes are in parallel: coming out; career shift. It's draining. I just wish I reach some type of resolution or plan soon."