In Practice and in Theory: Consequences of Lust on the Soul

Excuse the graphic nature of this entry... but I have decided to become philosophical about the temptation of pornography, and how this occurs depending upon how grounded you can stay during idle times or boredom.

With more time on my hands, I give into lust much more easily..........the world is full of temptations that can rot the mind, and numb the conscience.. if one does not set boundaries and is careful.  Whenever I get myself into these states of mind, in hindsight, I always feel like I could have used my time much more productively, instead of obsessing about sex and lustful images....

It is not that I feel guilty for looking at porn every now and again....but it is the the "after taste", if you will.... of how I feel after wasting my time with it.... thinking I could have filled this time with much more "live-giving" activities and hobbies which would fulfill me much longer and deeper than porn and orgasms..

So, these feelings.. these bad "after tastes", I would attest to as our conscience guiding us, identifying these behaviors as "sinful".....  What I mean by "sinful", are behaviors that result in getting us off kilter, out of our healthy behaviors that result in deeper fulfillment and purpose in life. As an aside, I think that modern culture is quick to dismiss the importance of being aware of "sin".  As a Christian, I have come to understand sin as any behaviors which result in obscuring our sense of peace and centeredness....  In another way, I could say sins are behaviors which obscure our view of God....

I am not condemning sex, masterbation at all.... but I think it would be important to distinguish the consequences of each of these depending upon the context.  Sex and masterbation in a loving relationship is not necessarily toxic, if it is done out of mutual love, and to pleasure eachother equally.  Sex and masterbation, though, in the absence of love, trust, and relationship....... if once is tuned into your conscience... may result in this bad "after taste", if you will.... once the transient feelings of lust have come and gone.  It may be seen as hole that never can be filled, no matter how many times you dump a bucket of water to fill the hole.  Empty sex does not nurture the soul, in fact, it erodes it further into meaningless despair.

I just wish more people could understand that the reason people turn to vices, such as empty sex, drugs, etc. etc... is that they are trying to fill an empty void... and are having difficulty finding out how to fill this void.  Addictions are rooted in this.... and truly are.... a source of despair.....  I would venture to argue that anybody with addictions, of any sort, need to try to identify the source of emptiness in their lives, and delve into that fear and live through it.. directly.

We all fall into these vices....... sometimes, I would say, it's a good release to let loose every now and again...... but when it turns into empty habits that starts to affect health, relationships, and a balanced outlook on life... these vices can take over our souls and prevent us from living our full potential.

I write this, obviously, as a man who has struggled endlessly with lust, sexual attractions to males, etc.  It has been a difficult journey, separating out what about homosexuality is "sinful" and what is *not* sinful.  I realize that universal truths exist for both homosexuals and heterosexuals: empty sex is not the healthiest thing for you... ideally, one wants sex in the context of love and caring relationship.... ..

I would not say that all those who have had "hook ups" are going to burn in hell.... .. I'm just saying that hook ups are not the "ideal situation" in which to express your sexuality and find deep fulfillment in life.

As such, it does make sense that young adults, especially in college, during many times of exploration, search for their identity... and part of this journey, is a mixture of experimentation, hooking up... a quest to fill that ultimate desire and feeling of love and relationship with others.  I admit...... that getting drunk and having a hook up must feel amazing.... and awesome.....  it does capture that "high" of feeling connect with a human being....   but.. at the end... (of the night.....)..  if nothing can be abstracted from those laisons except for the pursuit of self-gratification....  I would hypothesize that this erodes the spirit, and causes one a bit of depression and need for re-examining where you should lead your life.

I do pontificate these issues, somewhat in theory... but also in practice (at least, in cyber-practice).. where I truly have *felt* the difference between connections with love, and connections for the purpose of just self-gratification.  My soul, my mind, my heart. feels off center with the latter circumstances.  I attribute this to my ability to read my conscience, and tell when I am in a situation which is not very good for me...

I cannot help but be a thinking during this time in my life... between jobs... I am flying solo, in a way... although I am not in a relationship right now, I do feel like I have a relationship with God, during which I can examine these issues, turning over every stone, to try to explore my mind, my sexuality, my conscience...  And during these ponderings, it leads to truths and enlightenment about human behavior in general.

I hope and pray that these insights and prayers and thoughts are not in vain, and that I am at least building some type of treasure of wisdom from which I can draw during my future relationships, and life in general..

I have been told I am a thinker... perhaps too much of a thinker... but I would not change that for the world. As I sit here and think about these deeper issues in life, I feel a sense of fulfillment and wonder.... and I hope to pass this on to others.