Persistence and Honesty Have Their Rewards

I have had a successful day connecting with some fellow closeted, or non-closeted, gay men in the area.  Yes, it happened again. Two types of email ads have been fruitful: The Christian Brotherhood flavor, and the Frustrated Gay Man flavor.  For the former, I have been getting into very interesting discussions with a man who is going through the same thing I am.  It is so comforting to be able to tell stories to one another, ask tough questions, and talk things out.  For the latter, I get responses too, oddly.  In sympathy, or for giving me advice.  I actually have made 2 new friends today, 1 possible date, and 1 possible gathering with a group of 2 guys who just want to hang out.  So, hope on the horizon... and interesting people to meet, relatively soon. We'll see what happens.

Multiple Paths Toward Truth

The following is a list of all the paths I have attempted in finding dates, friends, and male intimacy.  I have been attempting this for a little over 1 year, and I have not had much luck finding dates.  The good news.. First, I have avoided sketchy hookups, simply by learning the ropes of each on-line world.  Second, I have had 3 dates. Although they did not lead anywhere, I had the courage to go for it.  Third, I have made a really good friend online, and we continue to grow closer. 

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Posting CL ads in 'platonic" or "miscellanous romance" that emphasize
1) Christian brotherhood

2) first time experience
3) masculine, preppy, jock

5) openly frustrated emails

Joining several online dating sites

1) match.com

2) gay.com

3) plentyoffish.com

4) yahoo personals

Going into Chat Rooms

1) Gay.com

2) Yahoo Messenger

Joining Virtual Groups

1) Yahoo online groups

Joining meetup.com groups
1) Gay Christian Bible study
2) Gay Professional Group
3) Gay Scientist Group
4) Gay Outdoor Group

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It is intriguing to me the avenues which have led to the most luck. First, ads that emphasize Christian brotherhood have always led to most responses.  This is encouraging for me, because I know guys like me exist out there.  Second, ads that emphasized my frustration about the Durham dating scene elicited tons of responses, which demonstrated to me that I was not the only guy who was fed up with this.  Finally, I feel lucky to have met a really good guy on a chat room, and we continue to talk every night, establishing a strong connection. 

The fish are biting again, though.  My yahoo groups memberships have led to some responses, of just bi/gay/straight/bicurious dudes just going out for beers and watching some sports.  Also, I continue to get responses from those interested in the Christian connection as well. 

The journey continues, it is intriguing, sometimes frustrating,,, but I gain hope in each day. The most important thing I have learned is how to become self-reliant, and survive rejection.  I learn that rejection is not necessarily a reflection of me, but of the individuals on the other end.  It makes me say with confidence "fuck them, it's their loss".  At the same time, I'm able to detach myself from the situation, and move on.  These are good life skills.

Marketing on Craigs List

Marketers use every resource available! I have discovered that they troll through CraigList advertisements, and send you replies that point you to their own dating sites. I guess it makes sense. It is truly targeted advertising which is extremely cost-effective.

And Here I Ponder About the Trash Can of Anger and Hope

As I unpack from my trip, and look at the dented trashcan in the corner of my kitchen, it prompts me to ponder and pray about how far I have progressed this year in coming out, figuring out my sexuality, and being myself.  I shudder when I think back to that trigger, that depression episode..... which began because I was confronting and reviewing all the scenarios in my life thus far which pointed to my attraction to men. It was a large list. It made me sick to my stomach, made me angry, depressed... so I threw a tantrum, threw everything out of my pantry, my refrigerator, and kicked the trashcan with all my strength.

That inner rage and frustration was very real, very telling of my inner turmoil.  I continued to seek therapy, seek rest. I also took time off work.  It was a toxic combination of stressful work life, and severe consternation about my own, seemingly irresolvable sexual identity crisis.

So here I sit now, many months later, having had emptied my soul to start anew. I resigned from my job; I came out to more friends; I talked things out with my parents; I went on a road trip; I spent quality time with my dog Leif; and I journaled.

In the midst of it all, I developed a meaningful friendship and relationship with a man on-line... Despite the unconventional way of meeting, we have developed a true bond, and trust eachother deeply. We laugh, we argue, we comfort eachother. We talk about music, beer, wine, travelling, camping, and canoeing.  We watch comedy movie strips, movie trailers, and musical performances.  We share our homosexuality, and our way of seeing the world. Although he may not be "the one", we certainly have promised eachother deep friendship, which is a wonderful thing right now as I transition into my new life.

So, maybe I should go buy a new trashcan, as a sign of new hope. It is one of those yuppy trashcans, that one flips open by depressing a foot pedal.  Mine is dented severely on the side, preventing the top from closing. Just as I need the fucking lid to close, I also need some closure with some chapters of my life.

Yes, so I have decided... it is off to Bed, Bath & Beyond I go... in search of a new Trash Can.

Peace,

The Zigman

Toxic Promiscuity

In my recent conversations with new friends online, I can see how promiscuity, in any form, heterosexual, or homosexual, in person, or on the internet...can result in jealousy, betrayal, distrust, erosion of a relationship.  I am dumbfounded of some of the viewpoints of guys I have befriended.....seeming, in my opinion, to muddle the lines between sex, friendship, and love. Sex is so integrated with love, that I cannot understand how sex without love cannot damage.  I've been challenged in a way to think more open-minded though.. in that: is having sex OK if it is love, but not romantic love? What if those individuals have both consented, and care about each other as friends, and agree to sexual relations? They still care for eachother, right? And having sex is simply an extension of physical affection, even within a non-romantic loving relationship? Does that mean hookups in the absence of relationships are OK? Or, having "friends with benefits" makes sexual relations OK, even if it hurts those friends who care about you? Many questions to ponder. Despite my supposed gayness, I will still stick to monogamous relationships.  Or, more precisely, if I end up in a relationship that leads to physical intimacy, I would never think about having sex with a separate person outside of that relationship I have built.  I want to be with a partner who also believes the same.  The act of sex outside the loving relationships (i.e: cheating) cheapens the special bond created between two lovers, and results in an erosion of trust and love.

International Love Triangle?

So I have a crush on one 20 something dude, and then was introduced to his best friend, 30-something dude. Both are gay.  20 something dude has has a previous crush on 30-something dude.  30 something dude starts writing me and telling me these things, and also starts hitting on me. The Devil in me wants to have online friendship with both, even though they are best friends.  The Angel in me wants to continue with 20-something dude only, and not hurt his feelings.  My heart and spirit tell me to throw up the emotional boundaries as soon as possible, and pursue a real relationship with a guy my age, in my home country. God help me. See, when you follow your hormones, and your penis, you screw yourself over, as well as everybody else.  Some of these guys have no boundaries themselves, and I begin to realize how promiscuity, and a mismatch of Christian morals, and sexuality, is not very good for the spirit. In fact, it is toxic.  So, that is my lesson for today.  God help me that I do not get emotionally enraptured in an International Love Triangle that leaves me feeling angry or jealous, chasing a dream that does not exist, and is only an illusion.

Tracing my Etiology of Gayness

My dad and I had lunch the other day, and we had a good chat about my sexual identity issues.  My dad is totally cool with it.  He tried to explain the difference between the counseling for "coming out" versus the counseling for "figuring it out".  He said it would be good to see somebody that could help me trace the "etiology" of my development, so I could at least know how and why things went the way they did. His suggestion made me pause, and think... huh.. that's actually a good idea. I have done this in my journal, but have not verbalized. For example, I can remember exact moments and emotions throughout childhood... in extreme detail... that pointed me toward that curiousity of males.  At times, it was strong. Many times, I did not feel like I fit in.  So, I am eager to explore these paths out loud.  The list in my journal can come alive once I speak of it to a counselor, and perhaps I will be on a journey of coming to terms with who I am.