I Cannot Deal With Circular Thoughts Of Homosexual Crushes

Feeling panicking again........ I can't deal with man crushes that I don't know what to do about. I hate these feelings, because they depress me.  I hate these because I don't know what to do about them. I hate these because I cannot change myself, or know how to find people, or to have emotional intimacy, or to chart a course of love. Why does my mind obsess about these things. Why do I put myself in these situations? Why do I want to cling on to new friends? Shit.  Old tapes are playing. Old tapes from college: I want to be in a group. Old tapes: man crushes.. perhaps causing bad vibes, and causing my own inner turmoil.  Feeling like I cannot move forward. Feel a sense of inaction and fear all at the same time. Why can't I just get fucking stable already? Why do I let my feelings for another man control me so much? Why do crushes leave my mind in circles, in sadness, and despair? I really need to work on these issues, and I don't know what to do. I must avoid the guys I have crushes on, perhaps, who are potentially straight? God, who knows. And why this is happening the day before my first day back at work is not very fun whatsoever.  Why such the burden on my mind? Why can't I just be ME... and not have all these worries and tunes in the back of my mind fucking *all* the time?  I have baggage written all over me. If anybody ever knew that these feelings came with my crushes, they would dump me as a friend or potential boyfriend immediately. I scare myself with my obsessive circular thoughts. This sucks.