A Difficult Evening.....

I am having a rough night... I haven't had one of these in a long while.... a rough night characterized by a little bit of fear, a little bit of despair, and some exhaustion, some crying... about the whole gay thing. Just everything..... the whole fucking thing.......... everything included in the whole experience is exhausting........ going to counseling; dealing with sexual obsessions; going on bad dates; not knowing how the fuck to meet people who I like; of the people I like I don't know how and if to tell them I just want to be friends and that is all; I feel needy, tired, and just fucking sick of all of this. Of course I am also just physically exhausted.....  

I think i just got really scared today at counseling, when a much more serious tone and issue came up with my craigs list surfing, and it's like I finally realize how fucked up it is to hook up on CL, and it made me scared to realize how cavalier and how desensitized I have become to the whole sex thing... that it shook me quite a bit... shook me to the point of realizing that it really was becoming an addiction.. an addition for connection.... a connection that was not really intimacy, but intimacy cloaked in deception and cheap short-lived sex that never goes far, and never builds a foundation.... ..

...... and now that I have vowed to myself and others to quit surfing that CL site for attempted hookups,  I realize how empty I must have been feeling, especially since I just would turn to CL surfing during my time of tired bordem and/or anxiety, and it became a filler... a convenient way to block the bordem, and fear, and impossiblity of actually meeting somebody for real, connecting with them, and talking....

I felt a sadness tonight when I was so eager to keep IMing a real gay friend I have just met, had just come from a date with him... .. and when we stopped messaging after some fun banter, I felt a sense of loss...  I felt this sense of being abandoned, and just wanted to grab on for dear life and just talk to him, be with him, and have that male friendship with a gay man I actually think is attractive.

.. and it made me kinda melancholy instead of happy that I become friends with him... sad because I kinda have a crush on him; sad because I don't know how to deal with it; sad because I think he just wants to be friends. Sad, because I find it challenging to communicate with all these guys I've been going on dates with.

.....Sad because why the fuck can't I have fun on these dates instead of overthink things? Why do I have to be gay? Why does my mind have to race so much? Why does somebody have to go to counseling just to deal with who they are??!??  FUCK. I need to go to sleep is what I need to do, but I just feel at a loss now......for words, for clarity, for a rationale of why I get so darn frustrated and upset about dating and/or adjusting to being gay.