Dealing with the Setbacks

I'm trying to be objective and not allow my mind to go down the negative thoughts route.. which is a challenge, but right now I am keeping the negative thoughts at bay, not allowing them to seep in. I just watched the movie 'Up in the Air', and couldn't help but relate to at least portions of the movie.......themes of the movie included having a longing for intimacy, roots, and community... for love, for family, for raising families........and then looking at my current situation, in which I sometimes feel like I am a floater.

When people say they can look to their family, and say that their family gives them purpose, I can't help but get kinda sad or envious, because I may not have that same type of traditional family, if at all. I get sad because I did not choose to have my sexuality this way, but need to adjust to the circumstances of my life in ways that are sometimes excrutiating, painful, and endless.... i mean, I actually have to work to make sure I don't get depressed about it; I have to work in order to build myself up, to avoid thinking about it too much....  and sometimes I just get frustrated because I don't see a way 'out'. There is no 'way out'; this is who I am; I play the role of the cards I have been dealt, and I don't think anybody in the straight world can even closely empathize this situation, because so much of 'life' , 'culture', is centered around traditional value, family, love, building futures together, etc. etc. We grow up socialized into thinking this is 'the' way, 'the' path to fulfillment, success, and growth......

Well, I have been thrown a loop the past 4 years of my life... Up to the moment of coming out, it's like I had this odd feeling that nothing I was doing was 'feeling' right with respect to being with women.  This whole feeling, which manifested itself in feeling insecure, permeated everything else about my life, to the point where I was anxious, scared, and not very confident.  Now that I'm 'out', I feel pretty good..... but the other side of this feeling good, is feeling 'scared'; scared of how I perceive this, finding companionship, seems like an uphill battle,, with just sketchy stories at most turns... where it's just unbelievable that here I am, a good guy with so much to offer, and NOW I have to deal with the homosexual culture.. which is in many ways so fucked up, and so self-centered. I have to deal with putting myself out there, which in many ways requires me to give into the social media frenzy, networking,, etc... or else what? I feel disconnected?

I really have this fear of being disconnected, and not 'plugged in', and I think that being single, gay, and really the captain of my own ship, nothing prevents me from being sucked into this online world of quick exchange,s potential hookups, instant gratifications.. so I can at least feel temporarily fufilled until I hit the next big thing in my life.. which is what? a boyfriend? I'm reminded of a friend of mine who once mentioned that the coming out process is a journey, and sometimes you have several steps forward, 10 steps back, 1 step forward, 1 step back, and so forth... setbacks and successes are occurring; and for something like sexuality.... these 'setbacks' and 'successes' are incredibly emotional, since sexuality is such an intimate part of who we are as human beings..... Will this journey always 'feel' the same?